Lorelai looked at her tear-drenched pillow. Hearing herself say that she’d had a nightmare so she had called her mother made her feel pathetic and weak.
‘Yeah. Sorry, I lost track of the time. Didn’t realise it was so late. I’ll call properly tomorrow.’
‘Please do. We’ve not heard from you in so long and I hate hearing you like this.’
‘I’m fine. Honestly,’ she lied unconvincingly, still sniffling.
‘You know we’re always here.’ Lila’s voice was kind. ‘On the end of the phone, or we can always come and bring you home at the drop of a hat.’
Lorelai felt like a child again, unable to look after herself. ‘I know. Thank you. Look, I’m sorry I called.’
‘Don’t say that. I’m glad that you called.’ Her mother sounded hurt.
‘I mean, sorry that I called so late,’ Lorelai corrected. ‘I promise that I’ll ring you tomorrow. Please don’t worry about me though. I really am OK.’
They talked for a few more minutes, about nothing very important, and then Lila said goodbye, making her promise once more that she’d phone her again soon.
She placed her phone on the bedside table and stared at it.
The nightmare had made her feel vulnerable. She really had planned to tell her mother what was going on because in the immediate seconds after she awoke, with the nightmare images still fresh, she didn’t feel strong enough to cope with this alone. But the longer she was awake, the more those images faded, and she found thestrength to stay quiet about her ability. She was able to convince herself that she could maintain the charade of being normal. Once she revealed her secret, she’d be giving in to it, and it would take over her life entirely. She didn’t want that. No, it needed to remain her secret, so she had the freedom to find some form of normality.
Lorelai didn’t know then that staying silent was the thing making her miserable. In staying hidden and not sharing her true self with the world, Lorelai would lose herself a little more each day.
Fifteen
Lorelai wrestled with whether she should see Grayson again, but in the end decided that brunch couldn’t possibly make matters worse, so she had called him to rearrange. And the truth was shewantedto see him, to be near him, spend more time with him. She couldn’t shake it. Despite the confirmation that having a relationship was never going to be a good idea, Lorelai couldn’t make peace with the idea of Grayson not being part of her life at all. She would need to keep a huge part of herself private, but she was used to that. Meeting him had felt like fate, and she couldn’t ignore that. Keeping good people close was important, and helped her feel less alone.
Lorelai often thought of the night she’d almost told her mother her secret. Would she have understood? She liked to think that both of her parents would have, but in reality she couldn’t see them believing her. It scared her to think about what might have happened if she had come clean. Would Grayson understand if she told him? Would he stick around long enough for her to explain?
‘Where are you meeting your lover boy?’ Joanie draped herself seductively against the door frame of Lorelai’s bedroom.
It was a couple of days later. Lorelai had several outfits laid out on her bed and yet she was still in her pyjamas, twenty minutes before she was due to leave.
‘The Duchess,’ Lorelai replied
Joanie’s mouth fell open. ‘Why onearthare you meeting your beau at work, of all places?’
‘Because we both know where it is, and he said it’s not far from where we’re going for brunch. Why, is that weird?’ Butterflies fluttered in Lorelai’s stomach. She was already nervous, and Joanie wasn’t helping.
‘I guess not.’ Joanie shrugged, and perched on the edge of the bed. ‘Just not the most romantic of places. But, actually, if you happen to see Wesley, can you ask him how Riggs is?’
‘I texted Wesley last night. He said that Riggs is still a bit shaky but doing better. We should try to visit him soon.’ Joanie nodded in agreement. ‘And anyway,’ Lorelai continued, ‘Grayson is not mybeauor mylover boy. He’s a friend. That’s all.’
‘Alright, alright. But I don’t see you blushing when you talk about your otherfriends. It’s OK to admit you have feelings for him.’
‘It doesn’t matter how I feel about him, he can’t be anything more than a friend right now.’ Lorelai swallowed hard. She reasoned that she didn’t have to suppress her romantic or physical feelings towards Grayson. No, she just needed to work on turning them into platonic ones. She took a yellow dress from the pile and put it back in her wardrobe. It was too bright for a casual brunch with a friend.
‘Right now? Did you just say “right now”? Does this mean there’s hope for the future?’ Joanie asked, excitedly.
Lorelai groaned. ‘Can you just help me decide what to wear please?’
Joanie rolled her eyes. ‘OK, fine. If we were going out for a casual bite to eat, what would you wear?’
‘Jeans and a T-shirt,’ Lorelai said immediately, ‘because the places you take me are dives.’
Joanie looked at the clock on the wall. ‘Go ahead and make jokes. I’m not the one who has to leave in less than fifteen minutes. Just pick something!’
‘Fine.’ Lorelai let out a huff. ‘I’d wear black skinny jeans and a slightly nicer top.’
