‘We now know that your fate can be changed.’ Lorelai began to explain, realising this was as much for herself to try to understand as it was for Joanie. ‘Say I kissed you now and saw you die peacefully in your sleep at the age of a hundred. What if you then decided, based on that knowledge, to take up extreme sports or become an adrenaline junkie and go bungee jumping and sky diving and swimming with sharks and alligator wrestling because you thought you could survive it. Surely your death would change because your whole lifestyle has changed? You would have died in your sleep as long as you stayed on the path you were on. But telling you how you were going to die created a fork in the road and you chose a different way, which therefore gives you a changed death.’
‘Huh.’ Joanie sat back, processing Lorelai’s theory. ‘So you’re saying someone’s life decisions have an impact on their death.’
‘You stole James’s bike and now he no longer dies on a bike.’
‘Then surely that means you never have anything to worry about?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If death is ever-changing because life is ever-changing, surely the deaths you see won’t always come true? Because people are constantly making choices that change the course of their life. One tiny moment or insignificant decision could change everything and suddenly it means someone who was meant to die in a… a… boat explosion at twenty-two, dies in their sleep ateighty-two because they forgot to set their alarm and didn’t make it to the airport in time. Small things that we don’t think twice about have the power to impact the outcome of our entire lives. Which means… you have the chance to change what you see. Exactly like you did last night.’
Lorelai couldn’t deny that this all made sense but there was still so much to explore and she had no idea how to begin to understand better. There wasn’t a handbook or a manual that she could read. She had to figure this out for herself and it was daunting. How was she meant to figure out her next step?
‘This is all so confusing.’
‘Because life and death are confusing.’ Joanie tapped her nose and pointed at Lorelai, confident she had it all figured out.
‘Both people I kissed in my teens died in the ways I saw them die.’
‘They probably stuck to the book.’
‘What book?’
‘The book of… death? Death’s book. Of names. Of people who are going to die. And… how?’ Joanie held up her hands in a half shrug.
‘I’m starting to think you may not the best person to talk to about this stuff.’ Lorelai smiled mischievously. ‘The book of death?!’
‘I don’t know! We’re both just making this up as we go along. Besides, I’m theonlyperson you can talk to about this.’
Joanie was right, and Lorelai was usually fine with that, but something had changed, and now Lorelai wanted to tell Grayson. Confess everything. Lay it bare. She wanted him to see her as she really was, and that terrified her. But how could she explain it to him when she didn’t fully understand it herself? And what if she lost him? Lorelai’s heart wasn’t ready to make that kind of sacrifice. She had to keep her secret, no matter the cost.
After she heard the news that Arthur and Thomas had died in the ways she had seen, Lorelai sank into a pit of despair. She shut herself away and barely spoke to anyone. She had been thrust into a dark and confusing world, and it haunted her. Why had she seen those things? What did it mean? She had no answers and no one to talk to. The loneliness seeped into her bones, and became so much a part of her that even when she was in a room full of people or wrapped in her mother’s embrace, she still felt alone. Seeing those visions had terrified Lorelai, but Arthur and Thomas dying in exactly the way she’d seen, knowing she’d witnessed the future, set Lorelai on a path of self-destruction. She was adrift, on her own, and falling apart.
One night, while Lorelai was at university, she had a particularly brutal nightmare. She jolted awake, mid-sob, tears running down her face in hot rivulets.
Cries of pain.
Dripping blood.
Crunching metal.
Bones breaking.
Lorelai gulped, trying to steady her breathing, and waited for the images to fade. Laying there, the eerie silence of night pressingdown on her, Lorelai had never felt more helpless. She didn’t have anyone to talk to. Just when she felt she might be making friends, her nightmares would pull her back into the death spiral she now lived in. It kept her separated from the world she so desperately longed to be a part of. A world where she could go out with her friends, fall in love, kiss someone and have it not matter. Lorelai’s sobs deepened and she wept for herself, for Arthur and Thomas, and for everything she would never have.
Enough was enough. She needed to tell someone. She needed to know what was happening to her. She needed help. Lorelai picked up her phone and dialled her mother’s number with trembling fingers.
‘Lorelai?’ Her mother’s voice croaked down the line, thick with sleep.
Lorelai tried to say, ‘Mum,’ but it came out as a cry. Lorelai rubbed at her face and tried to calm down.
‘Darling? Is everything OK? What’s wrong?’ When Lorelai didn’t respond, Lila’s voice rose in panic. ‘Are you hurt? Has someone hurt you? David! David, wake up! It’s Lorelai. Something’s wrong. Come on, we’ve got to go and get her.’
That jolted Lorelai into action. What was she thinking? She couldn’t tell her mother; she couldn’t tellanyone.Her mother had panicked just hearing Lorelai cry, and had jumped to conclusions. She’d send Lorelai away to some awful soul-destroying facility if Lorelai said anything about her secret. She’d be labelled as ‘crazy’.
‘No,’ Lorelai said suddenly, her sobs lessening. ‘I’m OK. I just got a bit overwhelmed. I’m working too hard and was just having a moment. I just… ’ Lorelai breathed deeply to staunch the flow of tears, ‘I just wanted to hear your voice and say hello to take my mind off things for a little bit.’
‘It’s almost three o’clock in the morning, sweetheart. Have you been working through the night?’ Lila’s voice was stern, yet filled with concern.
