‘Thanks, Lorelai. That means a lot. It won’t be for long, I promise.’
Lorelai was nineteen when Sylvia became sick. The tumour was discovered too late, and it felt as though Sylvia went from being so full of life to bedridden overnight. Lorelai had always known the day would come when she would have to say goodbye to her grandmother, but her grandmother had seemed so invincible that that day had always felt years, if not decades, away. Now, all of a sudden, Lorelai was faced with the reality that her grandmother had merely days left.
Sylvia had kept a gentle pressure on Lorelai since that afternoon a year ago, quietly suggesting that Lorelai should unburden herself of whatever she was holding onto. Lorelai knew telling her mother was not an option. She had distanced herself from both of her parents since she had kissed Thomas. At first she hadn’t realised she was doing it, and, although her mother had put up a little more of a fight to stay in Lorelai’s life, she had eventually given up and let Lorelai slip further and further away from them. Her mother stopped prying and Lorelai took that as a sign that her mother didn’t care enough to want to know what was going on, so she simply continued to keep her secret to herself, and the walls around her grew more impenetrable every day. It wasn’t until she had to face her grandmother’s mortalitythat Lorelai felt this might be the only chance she’d have to share the weight of her secret.
‘Now, I don’t want Gran to see any of us crying,’ Lila said from the driver’s seat. Lorelai’s father nodded solemnly.
‘Why not?’ Lorelai asked. ‘She’s dying. It’s sad.’
‘Of course, it’s sad. Don’t you think I know that?’ Lila snapped. She took a deep breath. Silence. ‘I just don’t think that’s what your gran would want. This might be the last time we all get to see her together. The last thing she’ll want is tears and wailing. So we should all try and be happy. For Gran.’
Lorelai could understand what her mother was trying to do, fill Sylvia’s final moments with happy memories, but she couldn’t help but feel it would just end up being fake. But none of it mattered because as soon as Lila saw her mother in the hospital bed, frail and grey, she immediately burst into tears and ran to her side.
‘Sweetheart.’ Sylvia smiled weakly, her eyes closed. ‘None of that. Come on, now.’
‘I thought you were all for letting things out, Gran?’ Lorelai walked round to the other side of the bed and took her grandmother’s hand.
‘I am. But if I’m not sad then you don’t need to be.’ She coughed and struggled to sit up enough to clear her throat. Lila helped as best she could. ‘I’ve had quite the life but even the best books come to an end.’
The visit felt too short. Lorelai would have given anything to be back in the garden with her gran at that afternoon tea. She wouldn’t fight or hide this time. She would tell Sylvia everything. Now, the only hope she had was the letter she had written and hidden in her coat pocket. She just needed to find the perfect moment to give it to her gran without raising her mother’s suspicions. Lorelai knew if her mother saw it she’d want to know what it said.
They spent the day sharing stories and trying to make Sylvia as comfortable as possible, yet all the while Lorelai couldn’t get rid of the feeling that time was running out. But for whom? Sylvia? Or herself?
When the time came to finally leave, Lorelai pretended she’d left her phone by Sylvia’s bedside. ‘I’ll be back in a moment.’ Before her parents could object, Lorelai quickly darted back into the room.
She took the letter from her coat pocket and pressed it into her gran’s hands. ‘You were right. I can’t keep it in. We’re back tomorrow. We’ll talk then?’ Lorelai kissed her gran’s cheek and suddenly found that no more words could slip past the lump in her throat. She wanted to say she loved her, that she wished she’d opened up to her sooner but it was suddenly all too much.
Sylvia held the letter to her heart. ‘Oh, darling,’ she said with a smile and glistening eyes. ‘I’m so proud of you.’
Lorelai left that day with hope, knowing she wouldn’t be alone for much longer. But that was not to be. ‘I’m so proud of you,’ were the last words Lorelai heard her grandmother say. Sylvia passed away quietly in her sleep that night and Lorelai lost the only person she’d trusted with her secret thus far, not knowing if she lived long enough to find out what that secret was.
Five
Piccadilly Circus station was hot and heaving. Joanie had headed off to Liberty, her favourite nightclub, determined to regain a bit of control and have some fun now that she was suddenly single again, leaving Lorelai to battle the central London crowds alone. Streams of people, many coming from one of the various theatres on Shaftesbury Avenue, were starting their journeys home at Piccadilly Circus. Lorelai joined the back of the hordes slowly filtering through the ticket barriers, one by one, flipping her Oyster card over and over in her hand. Everyone was crammed together and conversations bled into each other, contributing to the sound that was the orchestra of London at night-time.
When Lorelai finally reached the barrier, she swiped her blue card against the grimy fading yellow circle. It beeped embarrassingly loudly. She stepped back slightly, nudging the person who was so close she was practically giving him a piggyback ride. She swiped again but it just beeped once more.
‘God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, let me just try once more,’ she pleaded with the man behind her whose face was beginning to turn purple.
‘It’s alright!’ a voice called out and an Oyster card appeared onthe reader next to her and the gates swung open with a clunk. Lorelai quickly stepped through before they crashed shut and turned around to see who had helped her out.
‘Hi.’ Grayson smiled at her as he switched his Oyster card for his phone and used it to let himself through the gates.
Of all the people…
‘Hello! Thank you!’ Lorelai’s voice was too bright, and she cringed. ‘What are you doing here?’ She tried to keep her expression neutral but her smile had a will of its own.
‘I work round the corner,’ he explained as they stepped onto the escalator.
‘I remember you saying. I just meant… it’s weird how we’re both here at the same time, I guess.’
He was on the step in front of her which meant they were now both the same height. Her breath caught at the proximity of their faces. It was too late for her to move to the step above as someone was already behind her.
He’s so close.I could just reach out my hand and—
‘You sound like you’re about to say it’s a sign.’ Grayson’s smile twitched mischievously.
Lorelai laughed, embarrassed at herself. ‘Do you believe in stuff like that?’
