‘Is that so awful?’ he said, fiddling with the frayed fabric on the rips in his jeans.
‘Not when you’re unattached, no. Not at all.’ Olive blew powder off her brush and for a moment was lost in the way the particles billowedinto the air, catching the light of the bulbs around her mirror.
‘Exactly,’ he said, more quietly than if he’d been feeling confident about the situation he was currently in.
‘And you’d describe yourself as unattached?’ Olive asked.
‘Well… I’m single.We’resingle. We said this was casual. I technically didn’t do anything wrong here!’ Oscar replied, knowing any answer he gavemight upset Olive so opting for honesty being the best policy.
Olive stood up, her emotions now far too large to be contained by such a small chair.
‘Oh, Oscar. If that’s where your head is at then we can’t have this conversation.’
‘I don’t understand —’
Olive took a step towards him, cutting him off, her blood hot, the colour flooding her cheeks and the tips of herears.
‘Do you really think you can getthatclose to someone, sleep with them, share yourself with them as much as you’ve shared with me and vice versa, do you think you can tell someone you “choosethem” and spend every waking moment with them and… then think it’s okay to kiss someone else based on the technicality that we said it would be casual?’
‘But we said —’
‘Yes, wesaidcasual, but we didn’tactcasual. You didn’t act casual. We have never been casual. And you know that, Oscar.’ Olive felt the familiar tingle behind her eyes and her throat started to close around those last few words. Her arms were limp by her sides and she felt exhausted before the day had even begun.Why don’t you get it? Please just…understand, she pleaded with him in her mind.
‘I don’t know what to say.’ He shrugged, and she threaded her fingers through her hair, almost ready to tear it out.
‘Oscar, I don’t know if this is some kind of macho, laddish front you’re trying to put on but I’m not an idiot. You’re making me feel like some kind of psycho for knowing with a hundred per cent certainty that you have feelings for me. But you can’t behave how you’ve behavedaround me and then tell me I’m just some casual work fling that was bound to end when the next pretty face came along. Am I wrong?’
‘No, you’re not wrong. Of course, you’re right. You know that.’ Oscar sighed.
‘I only know that because I’ve had to piece it all together. You’ve never actually told me how you really feel about me. If this is all some kind of game to you… like… youplaying hard to get then…’ Olive trailed off, not knowing what she would do if that were the case. To purposely kiss someone else in an attempt to get her to like him even more would be completely unforgivable.
‘Olive, of course I have feelings for you. You aren’t just some casual fling. I understand that we’ve not exactly been casual, right from the off, but I was telling the truth whenI told you I can’t handle anything more than what we are right now.’
‘I’m not asking you for anything more. I understand not being able to handle a relationship. I get that, honestly. What I don’t understand is essentially starting one anyway but getting rid of the label, just so you could get out on a technicality when you got bored and started kissing other people.’
‘Please don’tthink of me like that. You know me better than that. It wasoneperson.Onemistake.’ Oscar’s voice had also started to wobble.
‘If these are the kinds of mistakes you make then I don’t know if I can handle any more of them.’ Olive sat back down heavily, two nights of missed sleep suddenly catching up with her.
‘There won’t be any more. We said we’d be casual, but… that doesn’t workfor us. We’re closer than that and it hurts more than it should when we’re with other people. So… let’s not do that,’ he said, the bags under his eyes creasing as he gently smiled.I can do that, he thought.I can just be hers. I want to just be hers.
‘But you don’t want to be with me,’ she heard herself say, and it sounded so pathetic and childish and so unlike herself that she welledup.
‘Idowant to spend my time with you. Just you. I like what we have and I really…reallydon’t want this to be the end, Olive.’ Oscar stood up straight, the back of his legs now burning from the radiator, and walked towards her.
‘You need to give me some time, Oscar. To think about all of this,’ she said, holding her palm out towards him.
‘Please let me hold you?’ he said,his own eyes starting to prickle.
‘I’m – I’m sorry,’ she said, trying to keep strong and not give in to the irresistible idea of his arms around her. ‘I just need a little bit of time.’
‘Okay.’ He nodded, picking up his bag and turning to the door before she noticed a tear had escaped and made its way down to his chin.
‘But for what it’s worth,’ she said before he left, ‘Idon’t want this to be over either.’
