I’ve been focused on me. If I’d only appreciated myself, I’d have seen the truth and I could have shown up better. Instead of wrapped up in my own head, loving myself and seeing my own worth would have allowed me to see others more clearly. That beam in my eye would have been removed and I could have actually seen others.
I could have seen Taysom and the love he has for me.
I love him so much, I can barely breathe. In a surprising flash of being-okay-ness, I realize I sort of like this feeling because it’s freedom.
And when I missed class because I wanted to be with him and eat sushi with him, what was the problem with that? So what? That I punished myself after that by never missing another class? It was ridiculous. I had friends who rarely went to class and they survived. It was okay. My overachieving heart can’t in any way shape or form recommend that…but it worked for them and they’re alright.
The point is, I pushed him away. He asked for my number and I refused.
All because I couldn’t grapple with the fact that wanting something doesn’t mean it’s bad.
Taysom’s eyes, chips of lapis lazuli, sharp with intelligence and awareness, are such a deep blue that they seem to see right to the center of my being.
His tenderness. The way he pushes me to be my best. The fierceness with which he loves me.
I know he loves me, even though he hasn’t said it yet. It’s what my heart beats out every moment of every day for him.
When Ron returns to his office, I gather in a breath.
“Look, I love this place,” I say. “I love the kids. I love the fiddle leaf plant even though it keeps almost dying and I love that stupid stain on the ceiling and I love the weird smell outside of the bathroom. Okay, that one’s a stretch, but you get the idea.” I point a finger in the vague direction of the treatment rooms. “Those treatment rooms are like an amusement park to me and I…I never wanted DDH, Ron.”
His eyes grow wide. That was certainly a turn in the conversation. I didn’t really mean to blurt that out. “I mean…I think I’m still angry about my hips and all that they’ve cost me.And I feel like every kid I get a chance to help is helping me heal these idiotic, insufferable hips.”
Ron bumps out a laugh, but I’m not done.
“Look, I’d be lying if I said I want to do this for the rest of my life. What I do matters, but there are other things that might matter more—that could help more.”
“Like what?”
“Like a non-profit. Here, I get to help tens of children. But a non-profit to help kids? Millions of kids can be impacted that way. I want to set up free gait screenings everywhere.” I clear my throat. “But that’s in the future.”
Ron’s smile is small, but then it widens as he brings his chin up.
“Well, until you find your calling in non-profit work, would you grace us with your presence here, then, Charlotte?”
Tears spring to my eyes. “You want me to have the position?”
Ron curses under his breath and smacks his forehead. “Of course I do. Stop this nonsense and accept it, why don’t you?”
I let out a squeal and clap my hands together.
“I take it you’re saying yes, then?” he asks drily.
Tracy must have been listening at the door because she bursts in, a wry smile on her lips as she coos. “You’re back, Charlotte. I’m so glad you didn’t leave me to deal with Ron all by myself!”
Chapter 34
Taysom
Iparkinmymom’s driveway, the same house Emma and I grew up in, just a few blocks away from where the Mercer’s live.
I don’t think Mom’s home, but I’ll go in anyway. At my last visit here, last Sunday, we video chatted with Raul in New York for over two hours. He was sort of a seamless part of the narrative, with Mom’s phone propped up against a stack ofcookbooks while she and I cooked. When Emma, Anthony, and Chandler arrived, Raul coached Anthony through a mechanical issue he’s been having with his car. Before he created his own company selling digital advertising packages, Raul worked as a mechanic.
Mom was goofy and radiant, laughing at anything and everything. Not just at Raul, but at Emma and me.
She’s happy now. She was happy before she met Raul, but being in a relationship with him has steadied her. Just thinking of that makes my chest tighten with gratitude.
I use my key to get in and step through the doorway and into the bright entryway. My first year in the NFL, I paid to have the whole house remodeled. Everything’s better. Better flooring, better fixtures, and even a better layout.
