I hesitate. “I can’t just say, ‘give me the job, Ron.’”
“Why not?” Ron’s eyes flinch and the challenge in his voice is unmistakable.
“Because that’s unbecoming…it’s selfish.”
“Charlotte, you got this money. You single-handedly got this position back.You.”
“But, I can’t be selfish.”
Ron just stares at me, his jaw hard. I remember Taysom’s similar expression last night, when I told him it was too late…there was nothing we could do to save the center. It spurred me on. It made me want to fight. And boy, did we fight! I raise my chin. “It’s not selfish of me to want this job.”
He sputters, a smile crossing his lips. “But you just said it was.”
I sigh and roll my eyes. “Are you playing devil’s advocate?”
He just gives a slight shake of his head.
I can’t actually tell him I want this position, can I? I mean, it’s obvious, right? And he’d offer it to me if he thought I’d do a decent job.
No. I know I’d do a decent job. I’d do a decent job in my sleep. But I’m not going to be asleep, even though the job exhausts me like nothing else.
I’m a good O.T. A very good one. I care about these kids and their futures. I’m not going to give up on them.
I want this job. Not because I deserve it. Maybe I do, maybe I don’t. But because I just…I just want it.
I decided that day in my kitchen, when I discovered that Penny had run away, that I didn’t get to have something just because I wanted it. I’d wanted to play a game of football. I’dwantedto flirt, to become a new person. I didn’t like who I was before, so I wanted to be new.
I had no idea there would be harsh consequences for focusing on myself.
But, the thing is, taking care of me…loving me…is often the only thing I really can control. And I’m ready to start.
Chapter 33
Charlotte
Takingcareofmemeans getting this job back.
My poor, little thirteen-year-old self. What did she ever do to deserve the loathing? Nothing. She was all good. She was a human being, therefore she deserved my love, but I wanted nothing more but to discard everything about her, to reject her and leave her behind.
To change everything about her to what I thought was valuable. But it wasn’t a problem to play in that football game and let myself have some fun, to let myself be around Taysom, whom I’d loved even back then.
That wasn’t the problem. The problem was that I told myself that it was selfish and wrong. Itold myselfit was my fault Penny ran away. I believed it all. I gulped it up like ice water in a desert and still came up empty. Thirsty.
All this time, I thought I was being noble and good by denying myself of what I truly wanted, of thinking I didn’t deserve it. But that was wrong.
I press my hand to my heart.
“I need to take a call, but you stay here. Think about it. I’ll uh…” Ron points to his phone.
As soon as he leaves, I’m up and off the desk, walking in circles around the empty room. An ache starts in behind my eyes and it’s a Taysom ache. I want to see him, to tell him how sorry I am for not seeing things clearly.
But right now, I need to ask Ron for this job.
A couple of months ago, I couldn’t have done it. I would have thought I was being noble by turning it down, by showing a false sense of modesty and morality.
It’s stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I haven’t been noble and selfless.
