He’d thoughtfully placed an empty bag on the floor, next to his own. My heart pinched, looking at that. Here I was, consumed with my own pain and frustration, while he was so busy, yet took his time thinking aboutme.
I sighed and picked the bag up and put it on the bed too. “Thank you,” I muttered. “I’ll get packed and cleaned up and then…”
“Bren, what’s happened?”
He hadn’t dressed as he walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I sighed and leaned back into his chest, covering my face in my hands.
“I’m worried I can’t do this—”
“You can. We’ve talked about this.”
“No, I don’t mean I can’t do it at all—I can’t do itlike this,”I insisted, breaking out of his arms to shove folded leathers and shirts and jackets into the bag because I didn’t want to meet his eyes and see that careful concern on his face. I wassickof being the reason everyone had to worry. “I’m not like you. I’m not big and intimidating. I’m not a fucking man! I have to solve problems differently—hell, I’ll have different problems! But everyone’s trying to mold me into a warrior. And I swear, I’ll end up dead, or getting someone else hurt.”
I finished punishing my clothes by punching them into the bag. I needed to get clean so I could sleep.
“You’re just tired. It’s been a rough week—”
“No, Donavyn,” I said, whirling to face him as I started unbuttoning my jacket. He froze, watching me. “I’m tellingyou, this won’t work. If we fly into Fyrehold—anywhere—and everyone expects me to beone of you,we’re in serious trouble. I couldn’t even slow a man down tonight, let alone get him to the floor so I could run. It wasembarrassing.”
He tried to reach for me, but I yanked my shirt off and pulled away, storming towards the bathing room as I unbuttoned my leathers. “Terra’s telling me to rest and Akhane’s assuring me she’ll help me heal, Voski says I need to beequipped,but no one islistening.I can’t be the reason this mission fails!”
“You won’t be.” He followed me into the bathing room. A part of my heart squeezed and softened, loving that he stayed close. It wasso hardbeing away from him all day, every day. I was glad that when we flew, we’d fly together. But I also knew I was the weak link in this chain.
I had to do this!
Turning on the water, I hurriedly unraveled that strap on my knee, then shoved off the rest of my clothes and stepped into the bath, even though the water wasn’t quite warm.
Donavyn’s brows drew down, but I ignored him. He always looked like that when he was worried. Bracing against the tepid water, I plunged my head under, then scrubbed myself down with the soap, still talking while he watched, his eyes dark.
“All these tools Voski says they’re giving me, they’ll work foryou.But I can’t flirt with a servant girl for information.”
“You might be surprised.”
I snorted. “You know what I mean. Even ambushing a guard—which we practiced tonight—would have to be different for me. I can’t overpower a man. I have to approach it differently.”
“So, approach it differently.”
I shot him a look over my shoulder as I washed my body, then dove under the slowly-warming stream to wash my hair. “Other people’s lives will be in my hands. If I’m the weak link, I’ll get them killed!”
“Bren,” he said softly.
But I plowed on, rinsing my hair. “Getting a man drunk to lower his defenses brings up an entirely different set of risks for a woman like me. And besides, I’ll be dealing with nobles, right? Most of them have guards. I probably won’t even beableto get one of them alone. God, this whole thing is just a mess.”
“It’s not a mess. It feels that way because you haven’t done this before, so you don’t know what to expect.”
“But that’s the thing,” I insisted. “Youdon’t know what to expect for me, either. You’re all training me based on what’s been useful before. But no woman has done this before!”
I finished rinsing my hair and turned the water off, surprised to find Donavyn standing next to the bath with a towel in his hands. When I stepped out, he wrapped me in it, then started rubbing my pebbled skin without a word.
It was humbling, watching that huge, strong form, squat and bend, and rub my body with the thick towel. When he got to my torso, he slowed and gentled, rubbing the towel more tenderly on my skin, frowning.
“You have a lot of bruises.”
“I’ve always bruised easily. It shows up on my light skin.”
His frown deepened when he reached the sore rib and I flinched. “We need to have Terra look at that.”
“She already did,” I sighed, pulling him up to his feet and taking the towel from him. “Thank you,” I said quickly, humbly. “Thank you for listening to me. I’m just frustrated. I’m not giving up. I’m scared.”
