I stared at him, simultaneously touched, because he bristled with protective anger, and despairing, becausehe would have done it.I could see it in him, feelit in the bond. He would have killed Ruin, and as many of those men as he could get his hands on. And the dragons would have executed him for it. I know it.
“Please,” I whispered. “Please don’t ever—”
“I won’t.” He took a deep breath. “Call it God’s mercy, if you will, but it looks like they’re all dead, Bren.”
I sucked in. I wasn’t sure I believed that. Or was it that I didn’t want to let myself believe it? Life would be simpler if every man who’d touched me that day no longer walked the earth. But it seemed too easy. Too simple.
I distrustedeverythingabout this.
“How do you feel about that?” I croaked. “Knowing they’re gone?”
“For your sake, I’m glad. If it’s true—and if their dragons blazed them… well, it seems like a fitting end, though my compassion goes to their bonded dragons. They didn’t deserve to end their lives that way.”
“But how doyoufeel about it?”
Donavyn’s jaw flexed. “I’m angry that I didn’t have the chance to lay hands on them—especially Ruin. I trained him personally. This is an affront to everything I ever taught him. But, I’m glad that their end comes in a way that makes it clear to others that they were not men of honor. That’s a small comfort. If the problem truly has been solved for us, I’ll accept the grace. But I’ll always rage that I didn’t get the chance to dispatch that fucker myself.”
I finally broke eye contact and looked down at where he touched me. Usually, Donavyn’s touch was a balm to me. A heated joy.
The flutter still appeared in my chest at the sight of his hands on me. But it lacked the spark that had driven me into his arms every possible moment. I wondered if he could feel that.
I was dull. As if everything in me that ignited for him had been wetted down.
“Bren?” His voice was quiet, apprehensive.
“The dragon?” I asked. I felt terrible for the poor male, but it was a distraction. I was trying to find that fire in myself. That sweeping thrill. Thatunity.It terrified me that Donavyn was touching me, and I wasn’t battling the urge to mount him like a horse.
“Kgosi and a couple others are working hard to revive him. He seems…”
“Defeated,” I breathed.
Donavyn nodded. “Kgosi thinks if he’s still alive tomorrow, he’ll pull through. But nothing is certain.”
When I didn’t comment, Donavyn sighed.
“Bren,Love,I feel for Ciar as well. It makes me ill that we’d lose him for the sake of that sick bastard, but there are even more important things afoot. Do you remember what I said when I got here? Events outpace us. You and I will have to leave soon. The king would have sent us already if I’d let him. I’m doing everything I can to slow this down, but I have to admit he’s right: There’s a very good chance these assholes have made us vulnerable, either through treason, or mere stupidity. Either way, our Kingdom needs us—you, and me, and Kgosi and Akhane—and I cannot deny the call. But I am terrified of it.”
“I’m not.” It was true. I probably should have felt more frightened. When I’d thought about being assigned before, my insides had tangled in a heady mix of fear and thrill. I’d looked forward to the thought of being one of those on dragonback, flying from the launch hollow, farewelled, off to a new land to do good work. It was exciting to think I’d be trusted with that. Yet, there was also the fear of the unknown. The fear of fucking it all up.
But, now… I tried to conjure that anticipation, and felt almost nothing but a small flutter of eagerness in my chest.
“Bren, when those orders come—”
“I’ll be ready, and I’ll answer them.”
Donavyn looked at me like he was afraid I’d break. “I know you will. That’s not what I meant.”
“You’ll be there with me, and Kgosi and Akhane. Most Furyknights wouldn’t ever have that kind of support.”
“Most Furyknights wouldn’t be sent on a spy mission within weeks of being raised,” he said gruffly. “Bren, I know you’re not well. I can feel you—or rather, Ican’tfeel you. Not as I could. Talk to me. These last days will be so full. Even more training. Plus the mission. I can’t bear to go to sleep with this wall between us. Please. Talk to me.”
“We already did. You said sorry. I know you mean it.”
“AndIknow you’re still upset.”
Something in my chest twisted and I looked away from him, towards the window outside. I was jittery. Anxious. And dead inside at the same time.
What the hell was wrong with me?
