And then, as that vision faded, something else surged forward in the bond. Something that made me sick to my stomach.
Hurt.
My dragon washurtthat I’d hidden my vengeance from him. Wounded that I hadn’t trusted him to hear my rage and intention. And that feeling overwhelmed even his wisdom that cautioned against the plan.
“Kgosi,” I sighed. But he rumbled to cut me off.
‘I am strong, and wise. I have lived life. I know the Creator, and I know you. I can be wounded, and walk through it at your side—though I pray you won’t ask me to continue to do so. But I am dominant, Donavyn. I am more than your equal. I carryyourstrength.
‘In Bren’s world, that is your role—the larger, stronger, more experienced half of her heart. Today, she stood before you with herself bare, trusted you entirely. She showed you something she’d learned, and wanted to share her newfound strength with you. Do not underestimate that she also sought your approval, your agreement, your belief in her ability to manage that tool and balance it with her love for you, and her purpose. Yet, you lashed out.’He hesitated, that deep rumble vibrating in his chest.‘It is not your way, Donavyn. You are wiser than that. What has shifted in your heart that brought you to this place? Because for now, it has only pricked your heart. The wounds are small and will heal quickly—unless you tear them wider. If you continue on this path, what comes next?Do you lash out in jealousy when a drunk nobleman expresses his desire for her? Do you accuse her because of your own fear? How does she trust you when she’s under the eyes of other men, if your only thought is for vengeance or possession? They will want her, Donavyn. We both know that. How can she trust you to be her strength in that, rather than forcing her to fight on two fronts—the men she sees as enemies, and the one who is her closest ally?’
I felt sick, because I knew what he meant. It was a sensation I experienced at times with the king—knowing we aimed for the same goal, yet also knowing I must manage his expectation and reaction to get us there. Rather than being open and unified in our approach.
Because our hearts weren’t driven the same way.
‘Bren and I are far more unified than that,’I muttered in the link.‘I’m not proud of the words I chose today, and I admit, I’ve deceived you, my friend. I ask your forgiveness for that. I knew it was wrong when I did it. But I burned with—’
‘You burned. And instead of bringing me that fire and letting me help you turn it into a tool, you stuffed it into a dark corner of your heart and protected it, as if that kind of violence wouldsootheyou. But we both know better, don’t we?’
My jaw rolled. I knew exactly to what he referred. It was something I’d taught men for a decade—a hard won lesson: That giving in to aggression and violence would destroy the man as much as the enemy he unleashed upon.
There were always problems among Furyknights—strong, capable, highly trained men with a great deal of power and autonomy. Especially the young, who still lacked discipline. It was our way to throw ourselves into a fight—even with each other. I’d been training Wing Leaders foryearson how to both moderate their own violence, and teach their men to do the same.
We’d set a culture among the men in which our oldest and strongest Furyknights were also those with the greatest restraint and willingness to avoid an altercation.
Sovanne, the Wing Leader of the squad who’d taken Bren to the tavern the evening after her first assessment, had been an example of that—handling the conflict with words and measured attitude, rather than plowing into a situation with violence, which would only escalate it.
Kgosi was reminding me ofmy own wisdom.
Damn him for it.
‘I know you’re right,’I admitted, reluctantly.‘But if it’s my deepest heart and rage you want me to bring, then have it: How should I respond to men who violated my mate? How should I regard the men who she might meet that would pose similar threats? How do I guide herin this, to keep her safe, if she’s insisting on plowing forward when she’s naïve? If she believes she can flirt with men of this stature and not entice them to take liberties with her, she’s walking towards disaster. You know I’m not wrong!’
‘Your fears are seeded in truth,’Kgosi admitted.‘But you ignore both the Creator’s guidance and protection of her, and the asset of her willingness to come to you when she fears. If you show her now that she can only expect your anger when she shares difficult things, youforceher to hide from you. Just as you’ve hidden your intentions from me, fearing my restraint, she will learn to hide hers from you. You do not want that, Donavyn. Your mate should stand before you in utter freedom—knowing even if she were wrong, even if she were weak, even if she’s been wounded, that you are her safety in that storm. Not another wind to buffet her.’
Fuck.Fuck.
‘It’s not her I don’t trust!’
‘Yes, it is,’Kgosi intoned.‘You don’t trust her to accurately measure danger—or to tell you if her instincts prickle. But hear me, Donavyn: The only barrier Bren will have for baring herself to her very soul, is your anger and insistence on using your power against her when she does. If she comes to you for safety, and you provide it—even in anger—she will bring you everything. You’ll never be left out. She’ll never hide from you.’
‘So, I should just watch her throw herself into danger and say nothing?!’I knew I sounded petulant, but the fear was very real. Warneverwent the way we expected. Any battle, whether it was fought in the field, the sky, or the ballroom, took turns we didn’t anticipate. And those turns often ended in the loss of good men.‘If she faces something we haven’t anticipated when I’m not at her side, who’ll protect her, Kgosi? Wouldn’t you warn Akhane if you saw her putting herself in danger?!’
‘Warning your mate, equipping her, preparing her is wisdom, Donavyn. Do you truly believe that’s what you did—what you have been doing?’
The words slapped me in the face just as hard as Bren had. My heart sank as I played back the events of the past weeks, and saw them through the filter of what he’d said. My anger, my fear, my caution… all of it intended to soothemystruggles. To makememore comfortable as I walked alongside her.
But Kgosi wasn’t done.‘The Creator allows no pain or struggle into your life without purpose, Donavyn. He brings no trial or pain without a reason that is ultimately for your good. His is the example we follow. He has brought Bren here—a place that will test and try her. But also strengthen and equip her. Your job, as her mate, is not to be God in her life. It is to be her partner in her growth and healing.’
‘There’s nothing I want more,’I sent sincerely.‘But I also want no regrets, Kgosi. I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to her, something I’d foreseen, and I didn’t step in.’
‘You know I’d never ask that of you, and neither would God. You are given to her for her protection. But her protection will not come through shame, or fear. To demean her, to grow angry at her skill—none of that assists her. And you seem unwilling to see that. I don’t speak to you about Bren, Donavyn. I speak aboutyou.Bren works to wrench back the power that was taken from her. She strives to reach the heights the Creator intends for her. And we willallfight to keep her safe in it, and to help her reach the summit. But we cannot do that from our own fears. And we cannot help her by attempts to control. Your authority in her life is clouded by human traditions. Do not misuse that.’
I sighed.‘I won’t.’
‘You did today.’
My stomach churned. Kgosi began to bank and I sat back, forced to take a good, hard look at myself. And what I saw made my heart sink to my toes, because it was everything I told my men never to be.
