He nods and a thrill of excitement courses through me. An idea sparks to life, something I haven't allowed myself to think about in what feels like forever. "The beach," I say. "I want to see the ocean."
There’s a smile in his voice. "Then the ocean it is."
I change out of my club attire into something more comfortable—soft, worn jeans and a cozy sweater that feels like a warm hug. My boots are practical, made for walking rather than allure. As I dress, Shadow doesn’t look away. Nervousness prickles under my skin as butterflies flap in my tummy.
Just two beings ready for a night out together. Almost like any other couple.
Wow, I really have lost my mind.
I hope I never find it.
We venture out into the night. Shadow stays close, his form a mere wisp of darkness at my side, unseen by passersby. We make our way to the bus stop, the city lights casting long shadows on the pavement. The bus ride is a surreal experience—me, wrapped in my thoughts, and Shadow, a silent, unseen guardian accompanying me across town.
How long have I wanted to see the ocean? Forever.
The journey is a symphony of mundane sounds—the hum of the bus engine, the murmur of late-night travelers, the rhythmic thumping of tires on the road—all underscored by the steady beat of my own heart.
We’re going to see the ocean!
I almost hope we never arrive, and I stay suspended in this excited anticipation forever. Is knowing your dream is about to come true even better than the actual manifestation itself?
I’ve always been drawn to the vastness of the ocean, though I’ve never been fully able to comprehend what that means. I long to know the scent of saltwater on the breeze, the deafening roar of crashing waves filling my ears. It is a sensation beyond my comprehension, one that I have desired with every fiber of my being.
This would be the first time I’ve even come close to having a dream come true. Is this what other people get? How regularly? Do they feel this amount of excitement and peace before something lovely is about to happen? Or do other people take these moments for granted? Maybe if I had human friends, I could ask. But right now, I don’t need anyone but the bus driver and Shadow.
When we arrive at the beach two hours later, my eyes blur with tears as I take in the wild beauty before me. It’s so much more than I’ve ever even imagined. The moonlit ocean spreads out before me in shades of blue and silver. The waves crash in a relentless, rhythm against the shore, stealing my breath with each beat. The salty tang of the sea air fills my lungs, and the cool breeze caresses my skin. My skin shrinks and expands. I am infinitesimal compared to the majestic expanse in front of me, yet also completely alive and connected to it all.
My vision blurs as my breath is stolen by the enormity of it.
"I don’t know why I haven’t done this before." My voice clogs with emotion. "I’ve always told myself I'm too busy, that it’s too frivolous and ridiculous to take time to come here. But now," I swallow hard, "to think I wouldn’t allow myself to have the thing I wanted most. Isn’t that silly?" I hiccup and wipe away a tear.
Shadows wrap around my shoulders as his hard, unyielding front presses against my back.
Instead of answering, he drops a long lingering kiss to my neck, heating my blood and adding to the cacophony inside me.
"Is it?" he asks quietly.
"Silly? Maybe. Or maybe I just didn’t think I deserved it." A laugh of disbelief hitches the breath in my lungs. "Stupid is more like it. Or maybe masochistic? Somewhere inside me, I believed I was so unworthy that I didn’t deserve to stand by the ocean. That the things I want aren’t meant for me. Even though I live on my own, I’ve hardwired punishment into my routine."
"Why should you be punished, Evie?" Shadow asks, his voice strained as if he is trying to lead me toward something specific.
The tears flow freely now.
"I don’t know." I shake my head. Something is building inside my chest at his question, pushing my ribs out uncomfortably until I think I’ll be split from the inside. "Because if everyone who has met me didn’t see something worthy in me, then they must be right. That many people can’t be wrong."
Shadow whips around to stand in front of me so quickly my head spins. "They aren’t right.Noneof them. They are empty, broken husks who are not capable of judging the world around them much less your worth."
I blink upwards, trying to stop the waterworks, but it doesn’t work. The bite of the cold ocean breeze turns them into rivers of ice on my face. I love that too.
"Maybe because I’ve always known I’m a monster at heart," I say slowly, "whether I was born this way or because I was made to be like this. I’m not natural. I’m a twisted bunch of guts with mean thoughts and feelings, and now I’m helping you kill people and I don’t even care. I don’t feel bad for them. I feel like I’m coming into my own, like I’m becoming the woman I was always meant to be, and it scares me as much as it excites me." I end in a whisper.
Shadow’s face, always a dark blur almost comes into focus for a second. Or maybe it’s a trick of my tear-filled eyes.
"You’re expanding faster than what is comfortable, and it scares you. It should. You are learning how powerful you are,and it’s beyond what anyone has told you are capable of. I know it’s beyond what you ever dreamed, but your bones can handle it. They will not break. They will not shatter." His words are fierce and solemn. Each word lands like a brand, searing into my flesh.
The unnamable sensation grows inside of me, past comfort, past logic. I stumble away to face the ocean again. My body can’t handle what’s inside me for one more second. I’m going to explode like a supernova. With pain, with hope, with everything it means to be human.
A sob bursts from my chest so hard and loud that I'm sure it sends shockwaves across the earth. My cry of release travels on the waves of the ocean and the pain inside me is carried away, swallowed by the dark, frigid waters.
