“Enough about him, though,” Hollis says, shifting his gaze to me. “What’s goin’ on with you?”
Shit.
It’s funny, I’ve been practicing what I’m going to say for the last two weeks. I even wrote it down on a piece of paper and read it in front of the mirror. And yet, now that they’re here and it’s time to share, every single thing I practiced vanishes from my mind.
Clearing my throat, I set down my fork and wipe my mouth with my napkin, suddenly losing my appetite. “Before I say anythin’, I want to reiterate that nothing is wrong. I ain’t dyin’, ain’t losin’ the ranch. Okay?”
“Way to really calm our nerves, Dad,” Hollis murmurs with a dry chuckle.
My stomach churns, a hot flash washing over me as I drag in a deep breath.There’s no turning back now.“It’s just… There’s somethin’ I wanna share with you boys. Somethin’ I probably should’ve done years ago.”
Finn and Hollis share a look before giving me their full attention. “Okay, we’re listenin’,” Finn says. “Whatever it is, you can tell us, Dad.”
I take a drink of water, my mouth dry and parched all of the sudden. My heart thunders behind my ribcage, and I can’t breathe. I know, realistically, I have nothing to worry about. My kids won’t love me any less, this won’t cause us to become estranged. Everything will be fine. I just wish my nervous system knew that.
“Okay, I ain’t real good at talkin’ like this, so I’m just gonna come right out with it.” I scratch along my jaw and swallow thickly. “I’m gay.”
The silence that follows is excruciating. But then Hollis smiles immediately, something like pride gleaming in his eyes. “Yeah, Dad. We know.”
“You didn’t even let me finish,” I huff before what he said really settles in. “Wait. What do you mean, you know?”
“Didn’t need to,” he offers. “You taught us that comin’ out doesn’t need to be a grand thing if we don’t want it to be. That straight people don’t make a big production lettin’ the world know they’re straight. But I’m lovin’ the irony goin’ on here.” He chuckles, and I can’t help but smile because he’s right. I did teach them that.
“Okay. But what about the part where you knew…”
He breathes out a small chuckle and shrugs. “Call it a hunch. And maybe a little gaydar.”
Wow.
Didn’t see that coming.
Finn grabs my hand, his touch grounding me. “You okay?” he asks, the question nearly undoing me.
Pressure builds behind my eyes, and my throat tightens. “I am.” Swallowing thickly, I add, “Just didn’t want this to change how you saw me, or cause resentment for me waitin’ so long.”
“Dad.” Finn’s tone is gentle but firm. “You raised two queer kids on a cattle ranch in Texas and somehow managed not to screw us up. You gave us so much love, stability, and safety growin’ up, and you never made us feel different or less than for bein’ who we are. I think I speak for Hollis when I say that we couldneverlook at you differently. You’re one of the bravest, strongest, good-hearted men I know.”
I clench my jaw, trying to will the moisture away from my eyes.
“And we’d never resent you for this,” Hollis adds. “Ever. Sexual identity is deeply personal, and we’d rather you wait until you were comfortable than tell us just because you felt like you should. Do I wish you’d told us sooner? Sure. But only because I think you deserve to live your truth and not hide yourself. I’m not mad, Dad, and I know Finn isn’t either.”
“I just didn’t want you boys thinkin’ I was hidin’ from you.”
“You weren’t hidin’.” Finn’s eyes soften. “You were survivin’. There’s a difference. I’m sure you think I was too young to understand, but I wasn’t. I remember how Great Granddaddy was, and I know that bein’ queer in Texas hasn’t always been the safest thing.”
That lands deep. My chest aches.
I nod. “Guess I finally figured out I don’t gotta do that anymore.”
Hollis leans over and pats me on the shoulder. “Welcome to the club, old man. Meetings are on Tuesdays. The coffee sucks.”
I laugh before realizing it, both boys joining in. Leave it to Hollis to make everyone laugh and lighten the mood. “I love you boys. I know I don’t say it as much as I should, but I hope you know that.”
“We do,” Finn says. “And we love you too.”
Well, that was easier than I thought it would be.
I’ve had nothing to worry about.
