“It was like that night back at the bar. He only kissed me, just like that time, but it didn’t feel like Neil at all. I couldn’t helpbut remember, and I panicked and ended up falling when I tried to get away.”
“Fuck, Hailey.” Sean’s hand shook as he rested it over mine in my lap.
“He stopped. He didn’t even get to my zipper or anything, not like that time, so it really was just a kiss.”
“No. It was worse than a stranger doing it. You love him, and he did that. No wonder you were crying.” His hand cupped mine, careful not to squeeze.
My eyes grew hot. “I don’t think I do,” I whispered. “I don’t think I love him anymore.”
Sean’s head tilted against mine. “That’s not on you. He broke what you had.”
I shook my head, bumping his ear. “That wasn’t Neil. He felt like a stranger, and then the things he said…” I let out a breath. “I was in love with a person who didn’t exist.”
“You’re just someone who sees the best in people. That’s not a bad thing.”
“I think I knew something was wrong. He was right to complain. I stopped sleeping with him months ago, but it wasn’t just about the sex. When I talked to Jack last night, he was so—” I let out a choked sound as I remembered him offering to be there while I dealt with my mother. “That’s what I was missing. It was a small thing, wanting to be there for me, but I needed it. I thought I had it with Neil. Back during those times my parents got sober and I had to stay with them, I wasn’t allowed to see the Millers, but my parents had to let me go to school, so I’dsee Neil. He was my constant. I needed that. That’s why I chose him over Logan, even though I really wanted to be with Logan instead. I couldn’t lose Neil. Even if he’s not who I think, I’m not sure I can leave him.” My body shook. “I’m scared to. I’m so scared.”
“Hey. It’s okay. Come here.” Sean scooped me up, pulling me onto his lap, his arms curling around me as my head fit on his shoulder. I stared up at the tiled ceiling, my eyes blurry.
“I’m also scared to stay.” The tears flowed again. I should have run out of them; I’d been crying so much. “What if he—I don’t think I can stay. But I can’t leave. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do.”
“I think you do. I think you called me because you know what the next step is.” His beard tickled my cheek as he pulled me in tighter. “It’s normal to be scared. This is the unknown. That’s a scary thing.”
“I’m not sure I can do this.” The words weren’t much more than a rasp. Jack had called me strong. I wasn’t.
“Not alone, but you’re not alone. I can be there with you.”
“That’s too much. I can’t ask you to do that.”
“You’re not asking. After what you told me, Hailey, I don’t trust that man alone with you. Can you tell me you’d really feel comfortable alone with him after he tried to rape you?”
Hearing it said out loud made me flinch in his arms. “That’s not what happened.” I heard the echo of Neil’s voice in the words.
Sean pulled me away from him, turning me so he could look at my face. “Isn’t it?”
My lips trembled. “He’s been frustrated. It’s been months. I keep saying no.”
Sean held my gaze. “Exactly. You said no.”
My breath shuddered as I pulled it in. The lightheadedness wasn’t going away. My head dipped forward. “You’ll be there?”
He pulled me closer, our foreheads touching. “I’ll be there.”
I nodded against him, closing my eyes. We sat like that until my breathing slowed. Standing up took effort. He held my good hand as he led me back to the Tahoe.
“You’re not going to hit him, right? Neil wouldn’t be able to fight back. He’s not like that.”
Sean’s eyes grew hard as he helped me buckle in. “No promises.”
Chapter 18
Moving Day
Ihalfway expected Neil to be waiting at the house even though he’d promised not to be there. Sean hadn’t hit him the week before, but Neil still hadn’t handled the breakup well.
When I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore, he’d screamed, “No!” over and over again, in an increasingly frantic voice. Sean had sent me to pack a bag while Neil was still freaking out.
A part of me wondered what I would have done if I’d been alone with Neil. After twenty years of making everything okay for him, would I have given in to make him happy?
