His words from the bar continued to stab into my stomach. Words that Jack had heard. Likely Sean, too, since he often eavesdropped, something that had made me feel safe before. Now I wished I’d never gone out tonight.
“I don’t hate sex,” I whispered, staring down at my fingers twisting together.
He let out another pitiful moan. “Do we have to talk about this right now?”
“No, of course not,” I agreed. It’d been stupid even to bring it up.
He pushed up from the couch. “I’m going to bed.”
I should have followed him there, made sure he had what he needed.
I curled up on the couch instead, pulling out my phone when it vibrated.
Sean:
Get home okay?
Me:
Yes, I’m good.
Tears clogged my throat at the lie. I wasn’t good at all.
I switched over to Jack’s text thread.
Me:
Sorry about tonight.
Then I lowered the phone to the couch and let myself cry.
Chapter 10
Saturday Morning
Ihadn’t had a lot of friends when I was younger. I tended to be shy and quiet in school. It was also a way to protect myself. I figured if I didn’t get close to people, I couldn’t be hurt. It’d taken me a while to learn to trust my foster parents to be there for me, and even then, I tried to do as much as I could around the house. In all my temporary foster homes, I’d learned being useful eased the process.
Getting good grades in school was another way to prove I was worth the effort.
I’d been with the Millers for a few months before Neil had approached me on the playground at recess. We were already in fifth grade, so the swings were the only thing big kid enough to do. It wasn’t often that I managed to snag one, but I had that day. He’d waited patiently nearby, and the guilt built until I slowed to let him have a turn.
I was surprised when he only swung for a little while before letting me have a turn again. We took turns the rest of recess that day, and he chatted with me the whole time. He’d been into a new video game, and I hadn’t understood all of it since I didn’t get many chances to play those, but he didn’t seem to need much encouragement, and I liked listening to him.
He sought me out the next day too, under the shade of a tree. He’d mainly been the one talking that day as well. The way his voice wrapped around me felt like a blanket. I never spoke much, but he didn’t seem to mind. Neil had enough words for both of us.
He’d sometimes play with the boys, but Neil was an only child, and compromising didn’t come easily to him. With me, he never had to. I was happy to do whatever he wanted on the playground or to just listen to him.
Eventually, I began to open up a little, and he never judged me. He just hugged me briefly when I was sad and would change the subject to something easier to talk about.
By the time we got to high school, being together had felt like one of the easiest things in the world. Neither of us dated, not because we were waiting for each other, though, or at least I hadn’t thought so. Connecting with anyone was hard for me. Besides, I rushed home every afternoon to help the Millers.
Neil had an unfortunate acne problem he was self-conscious about. His parents took him to a few dermatologists until one finally got it under control senior year. We’d already decided togo to prom together as friends by that point, though Neil would only do the dances where we shuffled side to side.
Going away to college was never an option for me, not with my foster parents’ health so shaky already, but I managed to get a full scholarship to the local university. I was surprised Neil chose to go there, too, since his parents had offered to pay for anywhere. He’d said he wanted to go where I went, and that made me happy. I’d been nervous to be apart. Neil knew me like no one else did, even my foster parents, because I shared my fears about their health issues with him.
We chose different majors, so we weren’t together as often as we had been, but we met up on the weekends so I could help him study like I’d always done. Studying came easily to me, but not as much to Neil.
For the first time, I started making friends outside of him. Classmates wanted me for group projects, and that turned into hanging out at lunch and during the weeknights. On one of those nights, we went to a café that had live music. I hadn’t realized how attractive a man with a guitar was until that moment, and my friends encouraged me to go talk to the guy afterward, since he’d been glancing my way.
