Wow. Can’t believe you agreed to that
I chuckle again and it morphs into a frustrated groan. Because I have one particular fantasy on my mind, and it involves a certain nurse wearing her glasses and telling me I’ve been bad.
I had no idea that would do anything for me, but here we are.
Other scenes shuffle through my mind, too, repeating in a rotating carousel of real instances and fevered imaginings. Kendall’s beautiful face staring at me in challenge. Her body on display in that sparkly dress. Her dazzling mind. Thatvoice,sosultry and gorgeous I want to wrap myself in it. Our kiss, so unexpected, and the hottest moment of my life. And then: bringing her back here to strip her out of her scrubs and put my hands, my tongue all over her body. I want it so much I’m faint with it.
Instead, I turn the shower a little colder and yelp when I hop in. I’ll do what she says. Maybe there’s some kind of redemption here, but I’m not sure. There’s no way I can ever truly redeem myself.
I dry off, dress myself, and fix a sad-looking salad with wilting lettuce and the spoonful of what remains in a bottle of dressing. I settle into the recliner in the living room.
The door to the apartment opens and Adams waltzes in just as I’m dissolving into self-loathing. We’re usually ships passing in the night, but of course he would come home now, when I’m lower than I’ve ever been.
“Hey,” he says. He walks into the living room. When he sees my face, his brow furrows. “You okay?”
“Um.” I hesitate. We don’t usually discuss serious topics, but I need someone to talk to. “No, actually. I’m really not.” I set my salad on our wooden coffee table.
He sits across from me on the couch. I witness what must be his bedside manner as a physician: open, sympathetic expression and steady eye contact. I bet his patients really love him. He lets his backpack fall to the floor and leans forward so that his elbows are on his knees. He smells like the hospital, I note: a combination of antiseptic, perspiration, and nitrile gloves.
“You know how I work with that nurse who doesn’t like me? And I wasn’t sure why?” My fingers dig into the leather arm of the recliner.
“Yeah, I remember our conversation about it. Did you figure out what’s wrong?”
I rake a palm across my jaw and look out our window. It’sstill light out, and a kid glides down the sidewalk on a skateboard. I look at Adam again.
“I went to high school with her.” I inhale, thinking I might as well rip the Band-Aid off. “That’s why she hates me. I, uh, bullied her when we were teenagers.” That word, bully, still makes me cringe. “I honestly made her life hell some of the time. I know that’s horrible, and I was shitty for it. I don’t know how else to say it. And I’ve felt awful about it for years, but her being in my life again is a mindfuck. I don’t know how to handle it.”
Adam’s staring at me. A little divot forms between his brows. The kids outside shout about something, and the dishwasher rumbles in the kitchen, but Adam still hasn’t made a sound. I wonder what he’s thinking, if he’ll hate me for this. He should, probably. Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve to be a doctor, what with the way I treated people, especially Kendall.
He finally speaks. “You didn’t recognize her?”
“No. She’s changed a lot physically, and it’s been a decade. I should have, though. I didn’t expect to run into her again. I apologized. I probably should have done that years ago, but I honestly thought it would have been selfish to seek her out just to make myself feel better. But given the situation, I kinda had to.”
Adam’s quiet again. He sits back on the couch, an old hand-me-down from my grandmother that makes a creaking noise when you lean back on it. My stomach twists while I wait for him to speak.
“Okay,” he says. “You’re right, that’s pretty shitty. I’ll be honest and say I’m surprised. And disappointed, if you’ll forgive me sounding like a parent. You’ve bettered yourself since then, though. I’m a decent judge of character, and I can vouch for you, at least now.” He taps his chin. “Maybe you can just get through your rotation and move on. In the meantime, I would be pleasant with her and just stay out of her way.”
I wince. “So I shouldn’t, like, try and start something with her, for example?”
Adam lets out a burst of laughter, though it seems more like shock than actual amusement. “Fuck no,” he says. “Why would you think that’s a good idea?”
I push my head against the back of the recliner and gaze at the crown molding in our apartment, just so I don’t have to keep making eye contact with Adam. “I know. She’s just gorgeous and brilliant. And I’m the biggest asshole there ever was. I can only hope she didn’t need years of therapy after high school.”
“Yeah, one can hope.” He stares at me again. A piece of hair comes loose from his ponytail when he scratches his head. He’s growing his hair out to donate it, I think, which is just the sort of guy he is. “Sounds like you might have needed it too.”
“Oh, I did. Spent thousands of dollars on it. It doesn’t change how I treated her, though.”
“Well, it sounds like you feel genuine remorse. And for what it’s worth, I really do think you are a good person now. But for God’s sake, leave the woman alone.”
I nod. “Yeah. Thank you. I needed to hear that.” I drop my head. “I worried about what you would think. I’ve made a lot of strides, but sometimes I’m not sure I deserve all I’ve got now.”
I look up at him again and he shrugs. “You don’t deserve one-hundred-hour work weeks and sleep deprivation?”
I laugh. “Point taken.”
“I don’t know, man. People behave terribly as high schoolers sometimes. You didn’t keep doing that, so I’d say you’re on the right track.”
I bite the inside of my cheek. Is he right? Teenagers are notoriously stupid, after all.
