I walked past him as gentle as I could and started settin’ everything up in the livin’ room. I laid the pillows out on the big sectional, then opened the blanket and spread it across the cushions. I took his hoodie and placed it near where his head would go, hopin’ it would help calm him once he sat down. I dimmed the lamp a lil’ and turned the TV on low, not for us to watch it but ‘cause sometimes the background sound helped soften the silence he hated sittin’ in.
And when everything finally felt like a place he could fall apart without fallin’ apart, I walked over to him.
He had just turned at the end of the hall again, and when he saw me standin’ there, his whole body paused like he ain’t expect nobody to be watchin’. His eyes looked wild and exhausted all at once, and it scared me, but it ain’t push me away. It pulled me closer.
“‘Lo…” I whispered, and my voice cracked even though I tried to keep it together.
He opened his mouth like he wanted to say somethin’, but whatever words came out didn’t make sense. He mumbled somethin’ about the door, then he said somethin’ aboutsomebody watchin’, then he said somethin’ about the baby, and none of it connected, but all of it was drenched in fear.
I reached for his hands, and he let me grab them even though they was warm and shaky. I brought both of them to my mouth and kissed them slow until I felt some of the tension in his fingers let go. Then I pulled him closer by his wrists and kissed the back of his hands too before I guided one up to my cheek.
“It’s okay,” I whispered. “I’m right here. I’m right here with you, ‘Lo.”
His breathin’ was loud and uneven. He kept lookin’ over my shoulder like he was expectin’ somebody to come around the corner, and every time his eyes darted, I felt him drift a lil’ further out of reach. So I stepped right into his space and placed both my hands on his cheeks, guidin’ his forehead down so I could kiss every part of his face. I kissed his temples, then his nose, then the corner of his lips, then the space between his brows.
And little by little, his breaths slowed.
It wasn’t all the way, but it was enough for me to feel him come back toward me instead of away.
“Come with me, baby,” I said soft. “Come lay down with me for a minute.”
He ain’t answer. He just let me take his hand and lead him to the couch. When he sat down, he looked exhausted but restless, like his mind was runnin’ a marathon his body couldn’t keep up with. I curled beside him and guided his head on my shoulder, makin’ sure he wasn’t sittin’ on my stomach but close enough for him to feel me holdin’ him.
I wrapped my arms around his back and rubbed slow circles while kissin’ the top of his head. His body felt heavy against mine like he had been carryin’ every fear he had since he was a kid, and now he ain’t know how to put any of it down.
He whispered things that ain’t make sense, but I ain’t correct him or question him. I just held him tighter and whispered, “You safe. You with me.”
Eventually, his breathin’ settled enough for me to guide his hand. I slid my fingers through his and brought his palm down to rest on my stomach. I pressed it there gently until he felt the warm curve of the life growin’ inside me.
His whole body softened. His head shifted on my shoulder, and a slow breath left him like the sound alone was loosenin’ somethin’ inside of him.
And even though tears was rollin’ down my own face, I ain’t wipe them ‘cause they was real, and they was part of this moment. They was part of what it meant to love somebody whose battles didn’t always show up in ways you could prepare for.
I thought about Kwame and all the secrets he kept, and all the ways he played with Kay’Lo’s life like it was somethin’ to adjust on paper. I thought about how I had been holdin’ on to that diagnosis change and how I hadn’t told Kay’Lo the whole truth yet.
It hurt sittin’ here knowin’ that the man I loved was sufferin’ from shit that should’ve been treated right, and I ain’t said a word. And even though I knew I wasn’t the cause of what he was goin’ through, I still felt like I was holdin’ a piece of the puzzle that he deserved to see.
But right now wasn’t about that. Right now was about my husband… the father of my child. It was about the man whose heart lived in a war he never asked for.
I kissed his forehead again and whispered against his skin, “I’m not goin’ nowhere, ‘Lo. You ain’t alone in none of this. I’m here, and I’m gon’ be here every time you need me. I love you, baby.”
His fingers curled on my stomach, and even though he ain’t say nothin’ back, I felt the way he leaned into me. I felt the way his shoulders relaxed and the way his breathin’ evened out while my arms held all the pieces of him that he couldn’t hold by himself tonight.
In this moment, even though fear was sittin’ in my chest right alongside the love, I knew one thing for certain… I wasn’t gon’ run from this no more. I wasn’t gon’ hide from the weight of lovin’ him no more.
I was gon’ stand up in it and fight for him the same way he always fought for me, ‘cause this was my husband. This was our family and we was gon’ get through it together.
ONE WEEK LATER…
Kay’Lo had only been out of jail for a week, and I found myself tryna cherish each second, even the quiet ones, so standin’ in front of the full body mirror in our bedroom almost felt like I was lookin’ at somebody I ain’t even recognize no more. This was somebody grown and softer and held together by a different kind of love than the wild shit I used to settle for.
The cream-colored dress I had on hugged me like it was made for my body alone. The fabric was smooth and elegant in a way that ain’t even feel real, and my real hair was flowin’ down my back with this clean part in the middle. It was thick and healthy from pregnancy. There wasn’t a damn wig or weave in sight, and every time I blinked I kept catchin’ myself studyin’ theglow in my skin and the shine on my nails like I was still tryna understand how pregnancy could change a woman this fast.
Just years ago I was that loud girl with the bright ass red hair and the reckless mouth, always lookin’ for somethin’ fun or messy just to feel alive, but now I was standin’ here feelin’ calm for once, feelin’ beautiful off somethin’ simple like a long dress and my natural hair, and even though I wasn’t showin’ too much yet, I felt my baby in ways that ain’t need to be seen. It was ways that made my stomach warm and full every time I pressed my palm against it.
And the wildest part was knowin’ that it was Kay’Lo’s baby growin’ inside me.
The nigga who could drive me crazy and melt me in the same breath.
