I swallowed hard and tried again. “Why,” I started, but the word fell apart because I couldn’t get enough air.
Toni stepped closer, and I could see her eyes clearer now.
I lifted my hand like I could stop her, or push her away or like I could do anything other than lay there and die, and my lips trembled.
“Toni,” I tried again.
She tilted her head slightly and stared at me like she couldn’t believe I was still trying to talk.
Then she spoke. “Bitch,” she said, her voice low and sharp, “go be with yo’ brothers, hoe, and tell ‘em Toni Mensah sent you.”
I froze, and even though the rain was cold, I felt heat spread through my body, and I couldn’t tell if it was fear or shock or all of it mixed together. My mind tried to fight and reach for something to say back. I tried to remind her of consequences and remind her she couldn’t do this and walk away.
But the truth was, I saw that she had already walked away in her mind.
Toni lifted the gun, and for a second, the world got quiet in my head, like time slowed down just enough for me to understand this was it.
I tried to inhale again, but it felt like my lungs were filling wrong, and my chest hurt so bad I couldn’t even focus on the pain anymore.
The gun went off again, and my body jerked, and then everything in me loosened at once, like my spirit slipped away faster than my mind could hold it.
I didn’t feel the ground anymore. I didn’t feel the rain anymore. I didn’t even feel my chest burning anymore.
All I saw was Toni’s face above me, then the light behind her, then nothing at all, because everything went blank around me and the world disappeared like it had never existed in the first place.
Standin’ over Echo’s dead body, I couldn’t believe what the fuck I had just done, but I couldn’t take it back.
The rain was hittin’ my face so hard it felt like the sky was tryna slap sense into me, but it wasn’t workin’ ‘cause my mind was still stuck on what my hands just did.
Echo was layin’ on the wet pavement, and I stood over her with my chest heavin’ and my stomach tight, watchin’ her eyes stare at nothin’ while the rain mixed with everything else on the ground. Her mouth was parted like she had tried to say somethin’ at the end, but whatever she wanted to say stayed trapped inside her, and I watched her take that last breath.
I wasn’t even shakin’ at first, and that’s what scared me more than the blood did, ‘cause I always thought if I ever did some wild shit like this, I would lose it immediately. I thought I would drop the gun and scream and fall to my knees, but I ain’t do noneof that. I just stood here, pregnant as hell with the rain soakin’ through my clothes.
All that rage I been swallowin’ for months, all that hurt I been tryna pray through, all that stress I been carryin’ in my back and my hips and my damn stomach, it finally came up outta me and I couldn’t push it down no more.
I was tired of hearin’ Echo’s voice. I was tired of her speakin’ on my husband like she owned his past and was tryna write his future. I was tired of her puttin’ my name in her mouth like it tasted good to disrespect me. I was tired of her lookin’ into cameras like she was the victim and I was just some dumb wife sittin’ in the background waitin’ for my life to fall apart.
The last straw wasn’t even the courtroom itself, even though watchin’ her sit in that seat and lie on my husband made my stomach burn. The last straw was that moment she said it would be unfortunate for my lil’ girl to grow up without her daddy ‘cause he was gon’ be facin’ the death penalty. She said it like she was already picturin’ my baby cryin’ for a man who couldn’t come home.
To me, that was too much.
A bitch could speak on me if she wanted to play like that, and she could even speak on my husband if she had a death wish, but a bitch couldn’t speak on my child.
A bitch couldn’t put her raggedy ass mouth on my baby’s future like she had the right. Somethin’ snapped in me the moment I heard it, and that’s when I realized right then that Echo ain’t know what kind of bitch she was really playin’ with.
Everybody always thought Kay’Lo was the one, and everybody always feared him.
Everybody always whispered about what he could do, what he had done, and what he would do again if somebody pushed him wrong. I knew my husband was dangerous, and I loved him anyway. He had killed for me. He had protected me in ways mostwomen only dreamed about, and I always thought the world would never push me into that space. I always thought I would never have to become that kind of woman.
But rage ain’t give a fuck what you thought you would never do. It ain’t care what kind of girl you used to be. Rage ain’t care that you was pregnant and that ya body was heavy and ya mind was tired. Rage just took the wheel and drove.
That support group shit was what did it too ‘cause Echo was so busy tryna look like an angel that she forgot she was givin’ too much away. She had been postin’ dates and times like it was a flyer for a party, and she was smilin’ in them videos talkin’ about grief and healin’ like she wasn’t the reason the damn grief in this situation even existed.
I told Kay’Lo I was gon’ be on the other side of the mansion for a while ‘cause I needed space to clear my head, and that wasn’t even a full lie ‘cause I did need space, but I ain’t tell him I grabbed one of his guns, and I took it like it was mine, then slipped out quiet like a shadow while he thought I was in another room foldin’ baby clothes and complainin’ about my back.
Now I was standin’ over Echo’s body with that same gun in my hand, and I realized I couldn’t undo it.
The sound of my own breath was loud in my ears, and the rain made everything slick. My shoes felt heavy like they was stuck to the ground. My belly felt tight, and my baby moved, and that movement almost brought me back to myself ‘cause it reminded me I wasn’t alone in my body. I wasn’t just Toni right now. I was My’Love’s mama, and I had to get outta here. I had to get home, and make sure I ain’t stress her out so bad that I put us both in danger.
