“Oh man, that’s bloody great!” I say, and hope that no one else notices the false hearty tone to my voice.
I hadn’t considered that Mason being back means that my absence wasn’t as notable. He’s fully trained and certified now. He can handle the tourist dives. He can even handle the eco-dives, I just haven’t been gone long enough to give him a chance.
The three of us continue to talk about the changes. Mason’s been hired full time at the shop. Thomas is debating extending his stay while he applies to PhD programs. Victoria leaves tomorrow. That leaves only two volunteers at the moment but Mike says they’ve had a huge influx of applications since the calls went out on social media.
It feels like we’re all dancing around a truth that no one wants to acknowledge: they don’t really need me here. Junie’s name feels like an unspoken detail in every discussion. It’s her hard work that’s helping things run so smoothly here.
Victoria walks in and drapes herself onto the couch, one leg propped over Mike’s. His face turns a little pink, but he places a hand on her thigh. I can’t help but feel shocked by the PDA.
“You’re back already?” she asks, and pops a piece of gum. “That was quick. Where’s Junie? I want to say goodbye.” She runs her fingers through Mike’s hair.
“Heading back to England?” I deflect. I wonder how Mike’s going to hold up when she’s gone. Maybe we can be miserable together.
“Vietnam,” she clarifies. “I’m going to drive the Ha Giang Loop. Will she be at The Local tonight?”
“Yeah nah. She’s not here.”
“Trouble in paradise?” She puts both feet on the ground and leans toward me. Mike and Mason both wince at her blunt question and avoid my eyes. “Are you really going to let her get away?”
I cross my arms over my chest, trying to look unaffected, trying to protect my heart. “Didn’t you just say you were leaving? Is Mike lettingyouget away?”
“Mike and I are different.” She looks over her shoulder at him and they exchange silly faces. “It was always just fun.” She turns back to me and her eyes are intense. “Whatever you did, you better undo it. You need to get her back.”
I scoff, tightening my grip on my upper arms until my knuckles turn white. I shake the hair out of my face and pop my sunnies down over my eyes. “Thanks for the advice. Guess I’ll just jump back onanotherplane.”
“What made you get on the last one?” she asks, and pops her gum again. She leans back on the couch like she’s just won an argument.
“Mike called.” I look at him for backup, but he seems to be waiting to hear me out. “I thought I…”
I thought that I was critical to our mission’s success. I kind of thought that everything might fall apart without me. But I’d never really taken any time off to see if that was true. Iput my heart and soul into working here. I started the Sunday night beach clean ups, I trained divers, I threw myself into learning everything I could about sea turtles, conservation, and rehabilitation.
But the work continues, with or without me. I’ve given it everything, and I helped build the programs we have in place today, but now we have a team that can do it on their own.
Fuck that shouldn’t feel so demoralizing. The one place I’d felt like I fit for the last three years… has outgrown me.
Where does that leave me?
The air is thick with tension as I pretend to laugh. I can’t stop bouncing my knee.
“I didn’t do anything.” I finally say. “Junie just has a lot going on back home. It might not be a good time to switch to island life.”
“Ah.” Victoria nods then shares a look with Mike. “Well no offense, but then what the fuck are you doing back here?”
I try to smile like that question isn’t banging against the inside of my skull like a drum beat. I’d been so fucking afraid of being left, so afraid that she would want to leave but would feel too guilty to do it, that I’d ended up all alone after all and I only have myself to blame.
“I’ve got to be honest, mate. I don’t fucking know,” I finally confess. “I love this sanctuary.”
“And we love having you!” Mike jumps in to defend me. “But there’s more to life than just these shores. The sea is pretty big, you know.”
“Smartass.” I roll my eyes and let out the breath that’s been trapped in my chest. Standing from the chair, I take in the room. I’ve spent a lot of time here over the last few years. I rememberwhen the paint was peeling and the ceilings were webbed with water stains. It’s been cleaned up by volunteers. It looks almost presentable these days.
“You really want to take over the dive shop?” I ask Mason.
“I learned from the best. I’m definitely not done with my time here. But I’m not trying to take your job, bro.”
“You’re not taking anything from me.” I shake my head. “Good on ya, Mason. It’s a great idea. If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“You know you’re always welcome here, Steven,” Mike says seriously, watching me with a knowing eye as if trying to bite back his smile.
