I want to get out of my comfort zone and see more of the world. I want to try new things, eat new foods, and learn more languages. I want to explore more of this beautiful Earth and I want to do my part to make it a better place.
I want to set the turtles free.
I want to be home with Steven.
Chapter 30
Steven
The plane hasn’t even landed before I realize that the place I need to be most is the one I just left. I can’t stand this feeling of being torn in so many directions. I left the woman I want to be with more than anything because she deserves better than a broken man.
That’s the lie I’ve been telling myself over and over again for the past few days. That I’ve seen the way her family fusses over her, seen the way her friends defend her, and I know—I can’t damn her to a lonely life on an island in the Lombok Strait. I can’t ask her to throw it all away to sail the world with me.
But the truth is, I just left before she could change her mind. I let the pain of what Naomi did shape everything about who I am. And I am afraid. Afraid of being hurt again. Afraid of not being enough for anyone. Afraid of being seen for all the ways that I still come up short.
I stumble off the ferry onto the island like a zombie. Even the smell of the ocean, the hot Indonesian sun, the splatter of color and car horns and incense hasn’t been enough to shake me out of my funk.
I brush past the horse and donkey taxis, ignoring the way that my rucksack straps dig into my shoulders. I’m exhausted, heartbroken, running on empty. All I want is to go home, but I no longer know where that is anymore. I have a sick feeling I might’ve left it in New York, in a warm house with a closet bigger than my entire bungalow. She has become my anchor, grounding me, and now my entire center of gravity has shifted.
“You look like fucking hell, mate.” Mike grins when he sees me. I’m dripping sweat, lost in my thoughts, but my chest feels a bit lighter when he embraces me like a brother.
“I feel like hell. Why the fuck do we live so far away?” The planes, cars, scooters, ferries, and walk have me almost delirious.
“Where’s your girl?” he asks, slipping my bag from my shoulders and leading the way to my room. I need a shower and a nap and some time alone to shove down all of the feelings and memories that are threatening to choke me.
“She’s still back in the States. I don’t think this is the life for her.”
Mike’s face darkens and he frowns as we finally make it to my front door. I sag in relief. It might not feel like home anymore but it’s cool and quiet and dark. I can finally nurse my terrible mood in private.
“She’ll be back.” He hands me my bag. “Come by the sanctuary when you’ve got some sleep. Big news.”
“Oh shit,” I groan with a pang. “I almost forgot. The actor! Are they here? Should I draw up a timetable? What can I—”
“No worries.” He shakes his head, pushing me gently into the cool dark of my room where the fan blows lazily back and forth, calling me into its depths. “I hope your ass didn’t come back here just for that. I told you on the phone, it’s all good, bro.”
His tight smile should make me nervous but I’m beyond rational thought. I slump into the room, collapse onto the bed, and sleep for several hours.
When my eyes finally crack open, it’s late afternoon. I shower and call Junie. Her sister really shook everything up by revealing her divorce and my heart goes out to them both. It’s just another reason she should stay in the States, stay with her family. I wish her all the best and then jog to the dive shop to try to piece together the life I left behind.
Has it only been a week? Why does it feel like an entire lifetime has passed since the last time I’ve been here?
“Steven! You’re back!” Mason daps my fist and falls into step beside me. We quickly find Mike and sprawl out in the employee room. The other volunteers are giving a guided tour of the museum, so we’re alone. The door is propped open and the sea breeze is a familiar friend. The smell of salt and fish brings me peace.
“So tell me everything. How can I help?” I ask, jumping into the problem. I need a distraction. An excuse. Something to do with myself now that I’ve given up on the thing I want most of all.
Mike and Mason share a look then laugh.
“I told you, Steven. We don’t need help. Mason was already on his way back, so he’s going to take the donors.”
“But he’s not an intern anymore.” I lean forward in my seat, face pinched in a frown. We’d basically just had to shut down while I was gone with no one to run courses or eco-dives.
“Nope, he’s a fully certified scuba instructor, mate. You signed the papers yourself.”
“What about the dive shop?”
Mike turns to Mason who rubs his forearm nervously.
“We’ve had some tourists stop by. They all keep talking about our social media. Junie’s posts have been getting around. We got some new divers certified and we have some fun dives scheduled for tomorrow. I’ve got a schedule worked out for the donors. We’ve just got to catch up on the conservation dives, but we’re only a few days behind.”
