“Asshole,” I whisper, pressing my lips to his neck.
“It was that, or we’d never make it into the water.”
I splash him and pull away, swimming toward the waterfall. He laughs and follows, perfect breaststrokes making him look so graceful. I love watching him like this, naked and free, so different from when we’re loaded down in gear on the dive boat. He cuts through the clear blue like it isn’t there.
“Have you ever been skinny dipping before?”
“No,” I flush. “You?”
“Never with someone so beautiful. Another one for the bucket list?”
“Absolutely.” I don’t think all of my goosebumps are from the cold. He makes me feel so seen.
As we approach the falls, the water pummels the rocks in a deafening roar. All thoughts of his cut body are drowned out by the sheer awesomeness of the natural wonder. I squint my eyes against the blast as the hair on my arms stands up, dusted with tiny drops like dew.
“Can I touch it?” I turn and yell to Steven over the noise. I’ve seen people posing beneath waterfalls for pictures and didn’t get the appeal, but suddenly I can’t think of anything better than standing beneath that awesome power.
He steps closer, his warm body flush against mine as he leans into my ear. He still has to raise his voice to be heard. “Just be careful. The water is strong and the rocks are slippery.”
I nod and his grip tightens around my bicep before he watches me shuffle around the rocks to come up on the edge of the powerful surge.
The wind blasts my hair around in wispy smacks against my face and shoulders. The sound drives out all other thoughts. I reach out and I’m shocked when the force of the water drops my hand instantly. I have to put a little strength into raising my arm and keeping it steady. Through the part I’ve made in the water, I can see Steven watching.
I step through the hole I’ve made and the full force of the water cascades down onto my head and shoulders. It lands like boulders, nearly crushing the air from my chest and buckling my knees, but I adjust my stance and stand tall. I fill my lungs with air and let the water massage my naked body. I’m cold down to my bones and the chill somehow leaves me feeling cleansed and new.
I step out of the falls and blink the water from my eyes. After being submerged, everything feels muted. Steven holds out his arms and I fall into them, swirling through the water as he tries to warm me up. There’s a pleasant muffled feeling in my head and I love the way he cradles me to his body, skin against skin.
As we reach the water’s edge, Steven finds a warm rock to sit on, and I’m lost in my thoughts. It’s finally sinking in that I have to leave soon. Things haven’t been the same since Mason and Juliette left—their absence seems to poke at the wound. Despite just getting my visa extended, the time we have left together is dwindling like sand in an hourglass. I can’t drown inthis discomfort and uncertainty on my own anymore. I sit up, determined to face it head-on.
“Steven, I think I might come back here. To Gili Telu. To the sanctuary. I have to go home when my volunteer commitment ends, but I want to come back.”
My heart is in my throat. Every swallow is painful as I blink at him, waiting to hear his thoughts.
When his face doesn’t immediately erupt into excitement, my stomach drops.
“That would be great,” he finally says with a slow smile. “Everyone would love to have you back.”
That little word “love” seems to prick me like a needle. It’s too soon for either of us to be feeling that for each other, I know that. So why am I so disappointed?
“And how would you feel?” I ask, needing to hear the words. I thought we were on the same page but I’m suddenly wondering if I’ve overstepped. Has he only been so sweet and romantic because he knew it was always leading toward a clean, quick ending?
“Obviously I’d love to have you back too.” His smile seems genuine, if a little tight. “There’s always room for you in my hammock.” He winks.
A knot of tension uncoils in my belly, though I can tell he’s holding something back. Standing under the waterfall, I’d felt something shift inside me. The way forward had suddenly seemed so clear. I’m trying to shed the weight of a lifetime of always doing what I’m told—but his reactions aren’t what I expected and I’m suddenly unsure.
“I’ll need to go home and let everyone know I’m alive. I need to figure out something to do with the house and my things. I’ve really enjoyed running the accounts for the sanctuary and I think I could find a way to spin that experience into some remote work so that I’m not relying so heavily on my savings.”
I’m word-vomiting now. I’ve been running over all the possibilities the last few weeks, my mind on a little hamster wheel of choices. I’m starting to understand how I settled for so long—free will is exhausting. Sometimes I wish someone would step in and tell me how to do it, how to live my life for maximum happiness and minimal regret. I’ve already wasted so much time.
But I’ve chosen him. I’ve chosen to come back. And even though his words are welcoming, the sad smile and the distance in his eyes seems to be saying something else.
“I’m not a hundred percent sure what the next steps are, or how long I’ll have to be back in the States, but I could definitely—maybe come back.” I wince as I blurt out that word—maybe. I chickened out. I watered down my momentous decision into a mere possibility. I thought I’d changed so much these past few weeks, but when it comes down to it, I’m still too afraid to jump in with both feet. I’m still running away from risk.
“That would be amazing,” he says, oblivious to my last minute hedging. “That would be a really big change for you. What would your family think?”
“Probably that I’ve lost my mind,” I laugh. It breaks up some of the tension. “I didn’t really tell them the details about David before I left. I just wasn’t ready to explain myself to everyone—I just wanted to get away.”
“It sounds like you’ve got a lot of loose ends back home. A lot of people waiting who love you.”
