I’m grateful for Grandma Frannie’s house, but it doesn’t feel like mine. I know she wouldn’t want her legacy to be a burden, but where does that leave me? Where would I go?
The conversation moves on while I’m lost in my thoughts. Eva and the volunteers are gushing about their travel experiences.
Thomas has been at the sanctuary the longest at almost four months. He finished his masters in marine biology almost a year ago and spent four months working with sea turtles in the Florida Keys and the Maldives before coming here. He seems to be a fountain of knowledge and fun facts.
Juliette and Mason both flew to Gili Telu for their Instructor internships. They have a few weeks left in the three month program before they’ll be certified teachers and can work in the industry. Mason has dreams of opening his own dive shop some day, but Juliette just shrugs when asked about the future.
“Victoria is in the sanctuary volunteer program too,” Thomas gestures toward a woman deep in conversation with Mike. She’s very pretty with dark hair cut in a sharp line above her shoulders. “But I think before this, she was traveling through India. She’s on a gap year or something.”
My heart squeezes at the reminder of Grandma Frannie’s stories.
“I wish I could get more time off work.” Eva signals for another beer. “I try to go abroad once or twice a year, but city and country-hopping for a few days isn’t the same thing as really getting to explore one place for months. But who can afford that?”
“That’s why I started volunteering,” Mason says. “You can trade labor for room and board all over the world. I get to travel, try new things, and meet other people who care about the sharing economy. It’s pretty sweet.”
“What sort of work do you do?” I ask.
“I’ve walked dogs at an animal shelter, some light handyman stuff at a school in the middle of nowhere, I even ran a karaoke night and a pub crawl at a hostel for a free place to sleep.Honestly, that one was the most work. I had to run their social media too and it was exhausting. No one here seems to want to do it either, we all just take turns half-assing it, so we’re struggling to get more volunteers.”
“Ugh, no. I don’t like to film everything. I just want to be in the moment.” Juliette moves her hands through the air as if she could physically push the thought away.
“Me either. I’ve never had an online presence. I’m no good at it,” Thomas says.
I frown. “I run the social media accounts where I work. It’s nothing crazy, mostly just graphics and some short skits, but people seem to like it.” I don’t mention the viral TikTok that brought in our first celebrity client. My bosses had seen the value in “all my little videos” then, but they didn’t seem to understand why I couldn’t wave my hands and get another million views.
Juliette squeezes my upper arm. “You should join us! I know Mike’s been searching for a social media guru. It’s only a four week commitment to become a volunteer, and you would get to dive all the time!”
“Seriously. And you’d be here for turtle hatching season, so you could join us on night watches!” Mason says.
“And you could come on eco-dives. It’s a pretty chill group and if you like data, we keep numbers oneverythingout here. It’s fascinating,” Thomas adds.
Their passion stirs something in my chest. I turn to Eva and she looks wistful, but unconvinced. But she isn’t the one who just watched her life implode. I have nothing waiting for me back in Eastern Pines. I can almost hear Grannie telling me to take the leap.
After two weeks in Indonesia, and especially since finding that turtle on the beach, I’m starting to realize the painful truth—my heart isn’t broken because I lost David. It shattered when I realized how much time I’ve wasted living a life that doesn’t feel like me. Grannie saw right through me.
These past few days have felt like living out a childhood dream. Don’t all kids have a marine biologist phase? In another universe, that was the path I took.
There are also versions of me who dreamed of being an artist, a rockstar, a paleontologist. I want to explore all the parts of myself. The dreams I let go of. The interests I grew out of. The feelings I shoved down because they were impractical or inconvenient.
On this island, with these people, is the first time I feel like I’m not just coasting along. I want to get more involved in my life. I want to clean up trash on the beach. I want to see the baby turtles hatch. I want to watch Jimmy’s recovery and help release him back into the ocean.
I don’t want to go back to Grannie’s empty house. I don’t want to sit behind my desk at work and let all of this start to fade away like a dream. This feels meaningful. It feels right.
I’m not ready to let it go.
I can’t pretend that Steven doesn’t cross my mind for a moment or two, but the opportunity to see him again has nothing to do with the buzzing in my chest. He can keep his strong arms and his honey brown eyes all to himself.
“I don’t know, maybe I could.” I play it cool even though my heart is pounding with promise. The volunteers light up and Eva turns toward me with an inscrutable face.
“Let me see if I can change my ticket,” I say, as if this is something I do all the time.
Juliette’s excitement nearly overwhelms me as she hops on the spot. “Oh, it would be so wonderful if you stayed! We don’t have nearly enough women here.”
“Who do I talk to about the volunteer program?” I ask, avoiding Eva’s eyes. I can’t tell how she feels about the idea, but I know that I don’t want to be talked out of it. She’s my only connection to home out here. Once she leaves, I can be anyone I want to be.
I can figure out who I am and what I really want.
“Mike approves all the applications. We just have to wrestle him away from Victoria!”
