She rolls her eyes, though she’s grinning. “Nacho’s friend is coming out. He already texted me.”
“Nice,” Jasper nods. “He’s got the best shit.”
“Yea, fine, but no more acid for you,” Velle grumbles, likeBad Daddy. “Last time I had to pay the hotel manager a thousand bucks after you broke into the kitchen and licked all the dishes.”
Jasper grins. “But the Snozzberries tasted like Snozzberries.”
Hancock cackles, and Jasper peeks at him, waggling his brows. Hancock is pursing down a rather fiery grin that seems like it means something.
Great… Now those two are probably boning too.
I don’t want to be as salty as I am right now, but I can’t exactly help it. I’m jealous of everyone and everything,allthe damn time, and it sucks. The way they all justdothings, without care or concern. Maybe it could be viewed as reckless, or stupid… But who am I to judge? I’m here because Iwasall of those things.
I was a shitty cop before I even became one, and I’d like to think I wouldn’t have been that dirty cop cliché, but I probably would have…
If it got me more drugs, I would’ve done just about anything.
I’m not that guy anymore, thank God.Not that it matters.
I’m stuck in hell regardless of how sober I am now. And on occasion, that has me envying these guys. Because the partyingwasfun, mostly for the turning off my brain and all my rampant self-hatred. Or at the very least, ignoring it for a while.
Sometimes I think about it… Just saying fuck it and joining the parties, like I used to when they first started. Getting fucked up and burning it all down, because this life I’ve built is a flimsy ass structure made of fucking kindling.
Addict or not, I’m still a hot freaking mess. And the worst part is that no one knows it.
I’ve been hiding the real me far longer than I ever hid my substance abuse.
Maybe if Ihadn’tfinally gotten clean for good five years ago, and instantly married someone who barely knew me as a sober person, let alone a person at all—one of theworstthings you cando in early recovery—I wouldn’t be so stunted right now. And habitually jealous of my coworkers because at least they canfeel goodwithout hiding it and dripping in immediate shame the moment the orgasm high wears off.
I’m feeling like a complete and utter fraud as we reach the hotel, splitting up to get ready. I go with Joy, up to her room, and Rook tags along. I don’t know much about the guy, but because the tension between him and Velle is as palpable as being set on fire when you’re in any shared space with them, I’d assumed he was gay. But then, he also seemsequallysmitten with Joy.
It doesn’t surprise me.Bisexualis the default setting on Alabaster Isle. You’d think that would make it easy for me to be just a little open. But it’s not that simple…
I’m deep in this thing now. So deep, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to claw my way out.
It’s like quicksand.The more I struggle, the deeper I sink.
And now I’m realizing why going out with them isn’t good. We’re not even in the club yet and I’m already battling demons I haven’t danced with in years.
I was a wreck for alongdamn time, and I know it was rooted in things deeper than just impulse control and some jacked up dopamine receptors. I actually decided to become a cop after my dad almost killed me for kissing a boy, and my mother did the emotional equivalent of the same damn thing. Because the police did absolutely nothing about it.
I still remember it, like it just happened… The police coming to the hospital, asking a bunch of questions. I guess a nurse had called them, because of how severe my injuries were.
They could tell I was terrified, but they didn’t care. They brushed the whole thing off, in that overtly homophobic way I’d seen from just about every cop I’d ever come in contact with back home.
He’ll think twice the next time he chooses to be gay.
And would you look at that?
They were right.
Not only did that moment shape the rest of my life in so many ways, but it also ruined my friendship with someone I’d known since I was a kid. Jeremy was petrified of his parents doing the same thing mine had. So he stopped talking to me completely. I was invisible after that night.
Last I heard, he married this girl we went to school with. They have two kids, and he works for a car dealership in KC, five minutes from where we grew up.
Not me. I justcouldn’tdo it. Despite knowing I might never be my true self, I had to get as far away from my parents as possible; from the memories of that pain.
The thing is, though, no matter how far you run… italwayscatches up.
