He was afraid to look at Aaron’s reaction. Aaron must have sensed that, grabbing Jay by the chin and lifting his head until they were face-to-face, only a few inches of space between them. Even in the middle of this uncomfortable confession, Jay couldn’t help thinking Aaron was the most beautiful man he’dever met. His smooth skin was furrowed at the brow, and his striking green eyes radiated determination.
“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life,” Aaron said, his fingertips firmly pressing into Jay’s skin. “Putting aside the platitudes of how everyone is great and everyone deserves love, let’s look at the practical here. You can’t say you’re not enough as a blanket statement. The world is full of people looking for different things, and no matter what you have to offer, someone somewhere is looking for it. Even if you think you have some giant flaw, not everyone’s gonna have a problem with it.”
Aaron was surprisingly agitated on his behalf. Jay shrugged and dropped his gaze, which set Aaron off even more.
“Oh, fuck off with that attitude. What is it? A weird fetish? I’m sure there’s an app for that. Got a hang-up about your body? Hundreds of hungry subs will line up to worship each and every part of you as long as you use that sexy stern voice. You belong to a Bon Jovi tribute band? Well, that one might be an actual deal-breaker.”
“Okay, okay.” Jay’s lips curled up in a smile against his will. “I get it. But it’s not that easy.”
Aaron patted his shoulder, his hand lingering before sliding down to Jay’s wrist. Jay turned his palm up, threading his fingers through Aaron’s. He was being too forward, especially for someone talking about what a terrible partner he’d make, but he didn’t care. The feel of Aaron’s hand in his was everything he needed, and he wasn’t giving it up.
“Do you want to tell me what it is?” Aaron asked carefully. “The reason you don’t think you’d make a good partner?”
He would hate himself tomorrow. Every word out of his mouth pushed the dream of dating Aaron further away, but what was the alternative? Mope on the sidelines without even trying? Pretend to be someone he wasn’t?
“I’m…” He didn’t know what to say. Even after deciding to be honest, he had no idea how to actually explain it without going into detail about everything that had ever gone wrong in his relationships. He tried to start one sentence after another, the words dying on his lips.
Aaron squeezed his hand in support, waiting patiently.
“Clearly, I don’t know how to explain it.” Jay huffed in frustration. “But I can give you an example.”
“Whatever you want to share. No pressure.”
“They offered me a promotion at work.”
Aaron’s eyebrows flew up in surprise. “That’s amazing, Jay! Congratulations! I’m proud of you.” He added softly, “We can talk about this stuff another time.”
“I wasn’t trying to change the topic,” Jay said. “That’s the example. I was offered a promotion, and my immediate response was to say no. My boss had to talk me into even considering it. And before you ask, it’s not something terrible where I’d have to work a hundred hours a week or anything like that. It’s literally the same job I’m doing now, plus supervising a few junior employees. Anyone else in the world would say yes. You would say yes, immediately, without second-guessing yourself. You’d never waffle and wonder if you were capable of being a manager or if you were qualified to make decisions—you’d just do it.”
“Jay…” Aaron drew out his name. “You’re not being fair to yourself. Being a manager isn’t something to be cavalier about. It’s a skill, and if you’ve never done it before, it’s a scary new skill. Don’t let anyone strong-arm you into doing something you don’t want to do. It’s perfectly normal to want a career as an individual contributor. People act like being a manager makes you better, but it doesn’t. I’m sure you’ve had enough shitty managers to know that’s the case.”
“That’s just one example.” Jay swirled the remnants of his cocktail around in the glass and drained it, the tart taste of kiwi diluted with melted ice. Another drink would be helpful in freeing his tongue, but his vision was already getting blurry, and he wanted to maintain a semblance of dignity.
Aaron’s shoulder pressed into his, promising patient support. He didn’t pry. He didn’t wave away Jay’s concerns. No matter how silly Jay’s internal struggles were to someone like Aaron, he’d always take them seriously.
“I’m only a Dom when it comes to sex,” Jay blurted out. “It doesn’t work. If I date someone decisive, they don’t want to give up control in bed, and if I date someone submissive, they’re disappointed that I’m not as dominating in real life. And I’ve tried, but I hate being in charge and making decisions.”
“Do you actually hate it?” Aaron asked softly after a pause. “Or do you just think you do because you’ve convinced yourself only a certain kind of person can be in charge? Because I’ve seen you be assertive. You can do it. Sure, you’re laid-back and a people-pleaser, but that’s not the same thing as being a pushover.”
He’d have to think about it after sobering up, but maybe Aaron had a point.
“I think I want the job,” Jay admitted, surprising himself.
“Then you should take it. And cut yourself some slack in the relationship department. The people you’ve dated didn’t appreciate you for who you were, but you’ll find someone who will.”
“I will,” Jay echoed.
“There you go.” Aaron patted him on the shoulder and eyed the empty glasses on the table. “We should probably call it a night.”
“Yeah.” Jay nodded. “Thanks for the pep talk.”
As soon as they emerged from their bubble, the server appeared with the bill. Aaron thrust his credit card out without looking, and they were free to go a minute later.
“I hope you’re not driving,” Aaron said as they walked out of the bar.
“Nope, took an Uber here. Should probably order one now.”
Before Jay could unlock his phone, Aaron set a hand on his forearm. His grip lingered—firm and deliberate—like he’d just made up his mind about something important.
