JAY
Their conversation flowed, as it always did, but Jay couldn’t relax. The pressure of breaking the status quo loomed over him, plunging him into brief but potent bouts of anxiety. Aaron eyed him with curiosity whenever Jay’s mood shifted but didn’t draw attention to it.
When Aaron mentioned setting up the guest room for Mark’s visit, Jay saw an opening. It wasn’t the smoothest transition, but a better opportunity wasn’t likely to come up.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something. About Mark.” Jay searched Aaron’s face for a reaction.
“Sure, what’s up?” Aaron took a sip of his jalapeño mojito.
“If it’s personal and none of my business, please feel free to tell me to take a hike.” Jay paused again, and Aaron made a gesture prompting him to go on.
“Do you wear the red bracelet because of Mark? Wait, that didn’t come out right. What I mean…do you feel like you’re not ready to play because you don’t think you can find a Dom as good as Mark? It’s gotta be difficult going from someone that knows everything about you to a total stranger.”
Aaron looked at him with a strange expression.
Jay tried to backpedal. “You don’t have to—”
Aaron shook his head, and a knot formed in Jay’s stomach. He hadn’t meant to ruin their evening with his curiosity.
The last thing he ever wanted was to make Aaron upset.
As Jay searched for a graceful way to change the subject, Aaron suddenly broke into laughter—bright and unrestrained, his shoulders shaking. He covered his mouth, trying to muffle the sound as tears leaked from his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he struggled through the words. “I’m not laughing at you. Just…Mark…a Dom…” Aaron dissolved in another fit of laughter. “Okay. I’m sorry. Oh, wow, I haven’t laughed like that in a long time.” He dabbed at his eyes with a napkin.
“I’m still not sure what’s so funny,” Jay pointed out, eager to hear the explanation.
“Just the idea of Mark, not only as a Dom, but astheDom to ruin me for everyone else. Trust me, if you ever meet him, you’ll see how ridiculous that is. I love the guy, obviously, but he’s a timid little mouse, and he’ll be the first to tell you that about himself. There’s not a shred of dominance in that man.”
“Wait, so you and him didn’t…” Jay’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.
“Oh, we tried. Bless his heart, we tried. But it was obvious from that first half-hearted shove that it was never going to work.”
“So did you have an open relationship or…” Jay trailed off, not sure how to finish that question.
“Or,” Aaron said, his voice firm.
“You haven’t subbed since before you started dating your husband?”
Aaron pressed his lips together. “Pretty much,” he bit off, and Jay realized how deep he was into personal territory.
“I’m sorry, I’m prying.”
“You’re not. If I didn’t want to tell you, I wouldn’t.” Aaron sighed. “It’s just a little weird to talk about.”
If Jay had been sober, he would have stopped asking questions, but he was tipsy and curious.
“I’m surprised you didn’t start making up for lost time the moment your divorce went through. Why didn’t you?”
Aaron chugged the rest of his drink and moved sideways in his chair so he could face Jay. Candlelight danced in his eyes, highlighting the hint of melancholy buried under the smile.
“My marriage didn’t work, but I still believe in love. I want a relationship, a partner, unconditional trust. Having sex with random people doesn’t hold the same attraction it did when I was younger, and I’m not sure I can be vulnerable with someone who doesn’t care about me. I guess I’m expecting to find both romance and a good spanking in the same place.” He chuckled at his own joke. “Maybe it’s time to let that hope go.”
Jay hummed, processing everything Aaron said. So much of what he shared could have come out of Jay’s own mouth, yet it wasn’t the same. It couldn’t be. Aaron wanted a partner, but he didn’t have the pressure of being a Dom hanging over him. Not that he would have an issue with it. He had no problem dominating all aspects of his life.
“Now it’s your turn.” Aaron nudged Jay with his elbow. “You go to the club enough to know everyone by name, but Gordon made it sound like you don’t play there. Got some relationship trauma of your own?”
“No trauma.” Jay shook his head, gathering his thoughts. Aaron was being honest—it seemed fair to be honest in return. “I haven’t had much luck dating people. I don’t have much to offer as a partner. There’s something wrong with me, something big. I’m just…not enough.”
