A flock of starlings takes off from the long grass. First one fluttering into the blue, and then another, and another, until there are scores drifting towards the east. The road is lined with purple heather, the hills dappled with green and yellow grass, the view only broken by the occasional stand of trees. Ahead of us, the trail curves on and on, the miles stretching upwards. Seemingly endless.
It was one of Da’s favourite sections, and he always laughed when we crested the first hill. Laughed and stretched out his arms, as if he was being welcomed home.
Until he stopped coming on the walk.
Until he got too sad, and later, too sick.
Now it’s just me.
I close my eyes. Feel the wind on my face. Smell the air. Breathe in as the world extends out, packed earth and rutted road and long grass. Remember him as he was, once. Strong. Proud. Sturdy. The kind of man you could rely on. Who woke like clockwork at five every morning. Who fell asleep sitting bolt upright on the sofa still wearing his cap at the end of a long day. Who rarely smiled, but put his whole face into it when he did.Who smelled like cut grass and loam and rosemary soap. Who was never happier than when he was outside.
I miss that man. Here, in his favourite place, I can let myself feel it.
I breathe in again. I miss him. I miss my Da. I don’t know if I will ever stop missing him.
I take a final deep breath.
Then I let it go, set my hands to the straps of my bag, and walk on.
Today will be a long day, if we want to make it to Kinlochleven before sundown. We’ll stop by the Kingshouse hotel for lunch, but even that is miles away. And in the afternoon, we’ll have to tackle the Devil’s Staircase.
Ahead, Lila, Rowan, and Priya are tramping happily along. Their chatter is constant, the conversation flowing between them like a bubbling stream. Lila drops back to take a photo of the others and then stays behind them; I wonder if she, too, appreciates the chance to have some time to herself.
“I don’t have stage fright.” Priya’s voice drifts back.
“Oh?” Rowan’s tone is light.
Priya kicks a stone down the path. “I get really nervous when I play in front of people, that’s all.”
“If it helps, so do I.”
“Really?”
Rowan nods, the brim of her cap bobbing. “Oh, absolutely! My hands shake, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I was once meant to give a presentation at university, but when I went up to the podium I forgot all the words, and instead I vomited on the stage. In front of a hundred people. Everyone laughed.” She shudders and then laughs. “At the time, it felt like the whole world was ending, but looking back on it… I don’t know. I think I might have laughed at me too. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you’re not alone. And I think you’re very brave. After that, Iswore off public speaking forever. Your way – signing up for that audition – is much more impressive.”
“Do you really think so?” Priya’s voice is small.
“I really do. And I’m sure your mum agrees.”
Another starling flies across the path, its wings flashing in the sun. Lila is definitely dawdling now. My pace takes me beside her, and she presses a finger against her lips.
“They laugh at me too,” Priya says, even more quietly than before. “At school.”
“Who do? The other kids?”
“At the talent show. I got up to play my violin, and one of the boys throws an egg at me, and everyone laughed.”
“Oh, Priya, I’m so sorry that happened to you! That is horrible of him. Did he get in trouble?”
“He did. But it made it worse. And now… No one will speak to me. They laugh behind my back and say I’m weird. Sometimes they call me Chicken Little.” Priya sounds on the edge of tears. “I hate it, and I hate them. I don’t think I’m weird!” And then, softly, “I wish they’d like me.”
I can feel Lila beside me, feel how badly she wants to run and comfort her baby girl. But she holds back, watching the two figures striding along in front, one tall, one small, silhouetted against the achingly blue sky.
“You know, I’m not friends with anyone I went to school with now. Or university.”
“Do you not have any friends then?”
I can hear the smile in Rowan’s voice. “No. I’ve got some of the most amazing friends in the world. My best friend Marnie is the kindest, biggest-hearted person I’ve ever met – when I’m with her, I feel more myself than I do when I’m alone. And I didn’t meet her until I was twenty-four.”
