“Hopefully it is I that you refer to.”
“Unfortunately not.”
“Tell me.”
“I spent an entire year here, alone,” I told him. “It is bringing back some unfavorable memories.”
“Is this where your accident happened?”
I looked over my shoulder at him with tired eyes. “What do you mean?”
“You said you made a mistake. One that haunts you. It does not take brilliance to piece together that it happened where you locked yourself in exile.”
“Why would you assume that?”
“Because you punish yourself when you do wrong or see it.I’ve watched you do it. Your exile was your punishment to yourself.”
“I do not.”
“Lie to me all you like, but please do not lie to yourself,” he mumbled, tucking some loose tendrils of hair behind my ear. He leaned back against the nook, wrapping his arms around my waist as I sat between his legs. He kissed the back of my neck sweetly. “Now tell me about it.”
“It was a mistake. It wasn’t the right time.” I picked at my nails.
“Speak directly.” He placed his palms over my hands and intertwined our fingers to negate the fidgeting.
“I poisoned my father’s assistant.” I hesitated.
“Why was that?”
“Issac lived with us while my father studied out here. It is closer to Oxford. That is where his assistant worked. They were studying something new. My father didn’t talk much about it,” I began, and he let me take my time with it.
“I slept upstairs, he took a spare, and my father took his own room.” I gulped. “It was too late. I feel I acted too slowly. I was too unaware, not vigilant enough. I should have woken up before. I don’t know why I didn’t. I wish I hadn’t woken up that time. I almost feel that it would have been better, less damage not to know.” My voice wavered.
“Alina.” Silas’s voice rang low. “What did he do to you?”
“I woke up. I didn’t tell my father, but I should have. I don’t know if he would have believed me. I convinced myself that it could have been a dream, that it was my own manifestation and maybe I wanted it?—”
Silas turned me around, grabbing my face with both hands so that he could see my eyes, which must have been pink and glassy. “Did he touchyou?”
“He had me that night while I slept, and the night before, and the one before that, for who knows how long.” I shook under Silas’s grasp. “I put arsenic in the wine.” I sobbed.
“Shh... do not cry for him,” he whispered, kissing each tear as it escaped down my cheek.
He pulled me into a tight embrace, pulling my knees up so he could hold me in his lap. I had a hard time calming my breathing. My chest tightened whenever I tried to take in air. The warmest embrace from the coldest creature I knew was my only solace.
“You did what you had to do,” Silas said firmly, kissing my head. “Do not fool yourself into thinking what you did was anything other than necessary.”
I nodded, wrapping my arms around his neck and burying my face in his chest to hide my shame. His words were encouraging, but they did not shake the deep depression and hate I held for myself for what I did and what my choices led to afterward.
40
THE POISONER
The amount of time I had been spending in the lab was embarrassing.
Though I decided to conduct some tests in my back room rather than the college. Silas had been asking to meet at the shop instead. I supposed the only things I needed at the college at this point were Dr. Hayes and Viktor, though there were some things I could do at home.
Silas insisted that I stay with him at his estate while the danger was still present. I hardly left my lab, sometimes falling asleep at the desk so that I could continue working for days on end.
