That, too, was a lie.
One that was starting to suffocate me.
My feet moved of their own accord then, one step in front of the other until I was standing directly in front of the window. There was no thought to it, no actual decision made; I merely found myself drawn to the opening where I knew I’d see?—
Nothing.
The window I’d become accustomed to looking up at, the one with the soft glow that illuminated Alessio’s body, was dark.
Not dim. Not shadowed. Dark.
It hadn’t been that way since Lucien had told me to look up.
Maybe he was out. Or working. Or furious with me.
Or maybe he was just asleep.
I wasn’t sure how long I stood there staring. Minutes, hours—it honestly felt like days as I waited, and still the light never came on.
That was when it hit me: Alessio hadn’t just stopped coming to confession. He’d stopped watching.
I stumbled back a step and reached out to steady myself with a hand to the window frame.
He’s stopped watching me.
What did that mean? He was done?Wewere done?
No. That wasn’t right. There was nowe. Not in that sense.
But as my heart started to race, and panic threatened to overwhelm me, it sure felt like there was. I couldn’t explain it, the absolute fear that overcame me at the idea that Alessio had washed his hands of me, the church, whatever we were. But I also knew I had no right to feel that way.
I walked back until my legs hit the bed, then fell down on it. This silence, this complete absence of him in my life in any way, suddenly felt more isolating than when I’d left to go to Rome. But I’d known back then where he was, that if I were to come home he’d be there and I’d be able to go to him.
Now? Now he’d made the choice to leave.
Alessio had removed himself from me.
There’d been no fight. No punishment. He’d just let go.
Absently, I removed my collar, letting it fall to the bed, the garment feeling out of place tonight as I mourned a man who wasn’t my God, but flesh and blood. A man I loved and had, in essence, erased from my life.
Where I should’ve drawn boundaries, I’d crossed them instead.
“Alessio…” I whispered, staring over at the dark void outside my window.
My life suddenly felt as still and lifeless as it now was.
19
RAFAEL
The following night
STILL NO LIGHT.
Still no Alessio.
20
