One by one, the Kings entered, moving through the nave with confidence, all of them wearing dark suits. Their leader, Tyrone Kingston, whom they all simply called “King,” entered first, his sharp eyes scanning the room.
“Good evening, father,” he said, and, just like always, added, “Thank you for seeing us so late.”
I nodded even as I struggled to take a good breath, my chest too tight. “You’re always welcome here.”
Lucien followed close behind him, smiling as he greeted me. Benoit, Shep, and Theo stopped beside them, and I finally gave myself permission to greet the last two men. Making sure to keep my face as neutral and pleasant as possible, I turned toward Lachlan and?—
The door shut behind him, without their seventh member.
I knitted my brows together, unable to mask my confusion—and maybe even my disappointment.
“He’s not coming,” Lachlan said matter-of-factly, straightening his cuffs as he joined the others.
Oh. Wow.I hadn’t been expecting not to see him at all. I’d steeled myself for days to be able to face him tonight.
Get it together, Rafael,I told myself, remembering who was standing before me.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said, turning away from the door. “I hope he is well?”
Lachlan’s brow lifted ever so slightly, a curious look in his eyes. “Sure. You know Alessio.”
Something in the way he said it made me wonder if he knew more than he let on. I felt the shock of panic as his gaze lingered on me a second longer than necessary before he looked away.
Did he know something? Had Alessio confided in him? Did everyone here know? Was I a fraud now in their eyes?
“I’m sure he’ll be here next time,” King said, and I forced myself to nod.
“Of course. Are you ready?” I gestured to the confessional and King went first, entering one side while I took up the other.
I settled in the seat I had occupied for years, the hush before beginning familiar and settling my anxiety. I took a minute to breathe, in through my nose, out through my mouth, clearing my mind so I could focus on the man on the other side of the lattice and not the one who wasn’t here.
Then I began.
THE TIME PASSED by quickly enough, as one after another I heard each of Alessio’s brothers’ confessions, the distraction of listening to each of their transgressions exactly what I needed to get my mind off my own. But as I closed the secret passage door behind Lucien and began to close up the church, my thoughts turned to the one who hadn’t been there.
Alessio.
I should’ve gone after him that night I’d seen him in church. I should’ve excused myself from the other parishioners and gone after the one person who’d needed me most. But instead of putting his needs first, I’d been busy thinking about myself.
I’d known the way Alessio would take that homily, and his absence here tonight merely solidified it. I should’ve followed him. Should’ve explained… What, exactly?
That I hadn’t planned it? That God had clearly known what I needed and given it to me? But again, how would that help Alessio? How could I help him when I barely even knew how to help myself?
I’d told him that I thought his coming back into my life was meant to be. That it was the sign I’d been waiting for to tell me I’d made the right choice—and back then, it had been.
Now, though? Now I wasn’t so sure.
I made my way through the gardens toward the rectory, more than ready for the night to be over. All I wanted was to close my eyes and turn off my brain. I wanted a moment of peace, and since I wasn’t finding that where I usually looked, it seemed sleep was my only other option.
How ironic. The Kings had come to me tonight to absolve themselves. Had come to St. Andrews, my usual place of sanctuary, to find a semblance of peace while I was all but running from its doors now.
I didn’t know how to fix this. Didn’t know how to stop the thoughts and—admit it, Rafael—feelings filling my head. I thought I’d laid that part of myself to rest. Thought I’d locked away the hunger, want, and desire, never to be thought about again.
But as I stepped inside the rectory and shut the door, my eyes immediately went to the window and I knew that for the lie it was.
I hadn’t laid it to rest. I’d merely pushed it aside.
I’d somehow convinced myself that if I kept Alessio at arm’s length, if I kept our meetings to once a month, I could have him in my life and be able to keep things platonic.
