Someone bumped into my shoulder as they passed, took one look at me, and mumbled, “Sorry, father,” before continuing on.
Father.That’s who I was. It was a slap in the face, a reminder of how far I’d fallen so quickly, of how just one decision could snowball, and the rising panic inside me was proof of that.
The problem was that my body hadn’t accepted the message yet, still on fire and vibrating from Alessio’s touch. I slowly turned around, facing the direction of his apartment. It wasn’t an option to go back. I knew that. I just needed to get my feet on the same page.
My feet…my mind…my body.
He’s not mine. Lord, please give me the strength to walk away. If this is a test, help me through it. Help me remember my place and my promise to You. Forgive me for being so weak.
I rubbed my chest as I forced myself to head back to the rectory. Just one step at a time. My heart thumped wildly beneath my palm, refusing to slow down, seeming to protest more the closer I got to St. Andrews.
How was it the world was still turning? That everyone around me carried on like they couldn’t see I was clearly falling apart?
Did I hide it that well? Could they not see Alessio’s kisses burned over my skin the way I felt them? Part of me felt the shame of being branded that way, but the more distressing realization was that I was turned on by it, exhilarated in a messed-up way that I hadproofof Alessio’s desire for me, even though that was the last thing I should want.
I walked faster, needing to put some distance between us.
Once I was back home, back on the grounds of St. Andrews, common sense would prevail. So would duty, clarity, purpose.
I pushed open the gates to the garden and headed inside, the lights that illuminated the green space now making the journey feel forbidden. I’d taken this path, from church to rectory, in thedark of night before, but never once had I had this sense of eyes watching me.
Then again, I’d never walked through this garden after spending time alone in a man’s house, in his arms, with his mouth devouring mine.
I picked up my pace, needing to get inside, needing to get away from the temptation that lay outside the hedge walls, my struggle feeling close to impossible.
Don’t look up. Don’t look up. Don’t. Look. Up.
I just needed to get inside, shower, then go to bed.Tomorrow was a new day. One that would shine light on my downfall. Show clarity in my missteps. One where I’d be able to atone for my sins.
I unlocked the door to the rectory and, the second I was inside, tore off my collar. For the first time ever I felt unworthy of wearing it. The purity it symbolized no longer applied to me, not when my lips were still swollen. Not when I could still feel Alessio’s hands under my shirt.
I squeezed my eyes shut and leaned back against the door, praying for forgiveness, praying for strength. But when I reopened my eyes and they caught on the light shining through my window from outside, I heard nothing in response.
Nothing except the beating of my heart.
Go to sleep,I told myself as I looked at the too-small bed on the other side of the sparse room. But instead of seeing a refuge, a place I could close my eyes and alleviate the burden of my thoughts, all I could see was a bed that would be too narrow to hold more than one. A bed that would demand tangled arms and legs.
Once again my attention shifted back to the window, to the light that beckoned, and I knew the only way I was going to get any peace of mind tonight was to snuff it out.
I crossed the hardwood floor, more determined than ever to put an end to my torment. But the second I reached the window and took hold of the curtain, I realized my error.
Alessio stood at his window, several floors up. But it wasn’t his silhouette I was staring at this time. He’d flicked on a soft light that illuminated him like a beacon, seducing me without words.
He’d removed his shirt and stood in only a pair of jeans, and, God as my witness, I didn’t think I’d ever seen a more beautiful sight in my life.
His broad shoulders, muscled chest and arms, and the olive color of his skin—it was all too much to take in, and for someone as hungry as I was, I found it difficult not to feast on what he’d so obviously put on display for me.
And there was no mistaking it. His appearance in that window tonight was all for me.He was showing me what I’d walked away from, what I’d turned down, and giving me a glimpse of what I’d never have again.
It was brutally effective, too. I couldn’t tear my eyes away.
Not when he moved closer to the window, and not when he reached for the button on his jeans.
No,I begged silently.Please don’t…
Was God even hearing my pleas? He was nowhere to be found as Alessio slid the zipper down, his jeans parting to reveal his erection punching through his dark briefs. Ever so slowly, like he wanted to draw this out to torture me, he trailed his fingers down over himself. With the way my body reacted, it felt like his hand was on me, my arousal throbbing so hard it was painful not to touch myself. To give in and ease the ache he caused.
I had no right to be watching this. No excuse. My prayers went unanswered, and I wasn’t strong enough to resist what my body was doing without my consent.
