That was when I made the mistake of looking up. Of staring into the dark, but deeply tortured, gaze of the most perfect man I’d never known.
Rafael might have been turned on, his body might’ve finally been giving in to what it wanted, but his mind was in turmoil. It was right there etched into the lines of his tight lips and stormy eyes.
The desire.The indecision. The arousal.
The guilt.
And it was that last one that brought me up cold. The rest I could deal with, could live with tempting him to obey.
But the guilt?I couldn’t ask him to live with that. Didn’t want him to.
I also hated the idea thatIwas the reason for it.
“You don’t want this, do you?” My words were soft, but the shock that flickered across his face told me he’d heard them.
“I—”
“Just say it,” I said as I moved back to my feet, my dick throbbing like a motherfucker. “Tell me, so I know it’s real. So I know that stopping right now isn’t the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever done in my life.”
“I…” Rafael let go of my hair, and for the first time since we touched, the connection broke. “It’s not that easy, Alessio.”
“Yes, it is. All you have to do is say,I don’t want this,and walk out the door.”
“I already did that,” he said, his eyes full of deep, underlying sadness. “Fifteen years ago.”
“And now you’re back. In my house, at night, alone.” I put a hand to his chest. “I can feel your heart beating, Rafael. I can feel how much you want me.”
I moved my hand to brush my thumb over his nipple, and felt?—
Rafael gripped my wrist and pulled it away from him.
“No.” He licked at his lips, then shook his head. “I don’t want this.”
I swallowed back the accusation that bubbled up inside of me, reminding myself that I’d told him how to end this. As his words played on repeat in my head, I took a step back and turned away from him.
“Then go.”
I didn’t know how long I stood there, my heartbeat the only noise I could hear in my otherwise silent house, until finally the sound of the door opening and shutting told me all I needed to know.
Rafael was gone. I was all alone, andnowthere was complete silence.
My heart had stopped.
Broken in two.
15
RAFAEL
THE SECOND I’D stepped into Alessio’s home, it was as if the last fifteen years hadn’t happened. I was right back there with him, back to when he was my entire world, and it felt so immediately right that I forgot why I’d gone there at all.
My mouth still remembered his. My body still fell apart under his touch. Even now I wanted him to the point where it felt physically painful to walk away.
With every step I took heading back to the rectory, it felt like someone had shoved their arm through my chest, fisted my heart, and squeezed until I thought I would fall to my knees.
Why was this getting harder when it should be so simple? There wasn’t a choice to make here; I’d already made it years ago. There was no world in which Alessio and I could be anything more than friends, and even that was proving impossible. He wanted more from me than I could give, and I…
I stopped walking and stood there, in the middle of the sidewalk, my breath coming too fast and sweat slicking my skin. The city buzzed around me, alive and thriving, reminding me that this was reality. Not the one I’d just left, where only the two of us existed.
