I thought of Cassy and Leighton. My parents. Amos. Gods, even Eithan and Mrs. E would be caught in the crossfire should the fae get their hands on an object of such power.
Not trusting myself to speak, I opened my eyes and nodded once.
He caressed my cheek, seeing the pain and fear in my eyes, then rested his forehead against mine.
“Thank you,” he breathed.
Chapter 47
Estania
Isat rigid at the breakfast table, arms crossed tightly as if trying to contain the turmoil within. Despite the discussion that unfolded around me, my mind was disconnected, focus drifting into an oblivion that echoed the numbing void engulfing my spirit. While I couldn’t make myself concentrate on the words, I was vaguely aware of Thaddeus informing Tarrin and Nevander that they’d join us today.
The blurring edges of my vision barely registered Tarrin across from me. I sensed his attempts to make eye contact, and I wondered if my internally fraught vacancy had leaked into my external façade of calm.
“You’re okay with this?” Tarrin’s sharp words sliced through the fog—an unexpected jolt that forced my fragmented awareness back to the room.
I managed a slight nod, my gaze unyielding, tethered to some distant point that bore the weight of my focus.
“I asked her this morning if she was okay with it,” Thaddeus said, his tone sharp.
“Does it look like she’s fucken okay with it to you?” Tarrin barked back, and the fierce protectiveness in his tone struck a distant chord within me.
“It’s fine,” I whispered.
My focus shifted to Tarrin, his narrowed eyes probing, seeking the truth.
I attempted to reinforce my words but failed. “It’s fine.”
“You don’t have to do this, Ny,” Tarrin insisted, his voice bearing the weight of unspoken fears and concerns.
“Leave it be, Tarrin,” Nevander warned.
“You don’t give me orders.”
“We’re out of options,” I said, feeling the last vestiges of fight flee from my body.
Tarrin’s lips thinned, and I could tell he was about to protest again. “Tarrin, I’m not sure what else to do. I have the power, but Thaddeus has five hundred years on me. In my lifetime, I will literally never be able to wield spellcraft as well as him. Those are the undeniable facts. It’s becauseIcan’t wield my own powers that we’re here, and I’m just going to have to own the consequences.”
In that fragile moment, I unwittingly pilgrimaged into the deepest, most sheltered recesses of my soul—like a bear seeking refuge in the sanctuary of hibernation, I retreated, in a desperate attempt to shield myself from the unforgiving and brutalizing exposure I was about to face.
I prayed to the stars that I’d retreated deep enough that the pain would be lessened, my stomach lurching as my body remembered the cleaving. With a sudden movement, I pushed back from the table, the chair scraping against the floor.
“I’ll meet you there,” I said to no one in particular, and excused myself from the table.
As the door closed, raised voices filled the room behind me. I didn’t let myself focus on their meaning as I walked the path of grim acceptance toward the training facility.
I wasn’t sure why I decided to go straight there. My standard go-to when I felt this way was the woods, not the training facility. But the anticipation, the anxiety, the fear that now owned me, and for the first time in my life I was completely uninterested in throwing. Not even blades could chase away these demons. The only way forward was through.
The spongy surface of the training facility gave way as I sank to my knees. Leaning forward, I pressed my forehead and hands against it, as if in prayer.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I whispered, unsure why I was apologizing, or to whom, but unable stop the words from tumbling out.
“I can do this,” I began saying until it was the new chant. Yet, no matter what I said, how long I knelt, or how much I prayed, sharp dread continued prickling through me.
It felt like cliff jumping. The crippling fear that held on tightest just before letting go and trusting the waters below—and no matter how many times the water hadn’t failed, it still required every ounce of willpower and stubborn determination to move past that fear and leap. Unfortunately, I had to jump, knowing full well that the landing below wasn’t a deep pool of water ready to catch me.
“Ny?” Tarrin’s concerned voice filled the space.
