“He said that?” Tarrin asked, his brows knitting together.
“Thought it.”
“It meansmorein the old tongue.”
“That’s what I thought.” For that was the order he’d repeated again and again when he’d felt my power coursing through his veins. He’d demanded more and took it by using a spell, instead of accepting what was given to him. I shuddered.
“It… He…” I swallowed. “When we were…connected, the second he tapped into me, I no longer had control.”
“Of the power?” His voice was heartbreakingly gentle, as if trying to safeguard an autumnal leaf from turning to dust between his rugged fingers.
“Or of myself. I was…trapped. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t stop it. All I could do was watch. Feel it…” I paused. “It felt like I’d taken a dagger, not in any one place, but as if my aura was being cleaved.” The words were sloppy, and my explanation was stupid. “That doesn’t make any sense. I’m sorry.”
If I hadn’t seen it myself, I wouldn’t have thought Tarrin’s look could soften any further, but it did as he said, “It’s not stupid, Nyleeria. I get your meaning.”
“Has he ever talked to you like that before?” I asked,remembering how Thaddeus had dismissed Tarrin so completely in the courtyard.
“In the five centuries I’ve known Thaddeus, I’ve never heard him speak that way to anyone. He has always been a patient, level-headed monarch, and friend.” The words were slightly pained.
“You said he refused to talk to you after I left.”
Tarrin nodded.
“Why?”
“I don’t know for certain. If I were to guess, I’d say there are a lot of emotions at play.” I raised a brow, and he went on. “This has been a long time coming for him, for us.You’vebeen a long time coming. I can imagine he felt elation at being able to tap into the spark—if that’s, in fact, what happened—along with relief that the wait was worth it. Mostly likely frustration or possibly anger, at how it affected you, and shame at getting angry with you.”
I let his words sit between us, mulling them over. Yes, I shared a bed with Thaddeus, but Tarrin and Nevander knew him in a different way than I did—would know his fears and insecurities.
“I had no idea,” I said. “He never… He’s always so calm. Collected.”
“Yes. He usually is. I think you complicate things for him, though.”
“What do you mean?”
Tarrin gave a soft chuckle and shook his head. “His feelings for you, Ny. It’s not as black and white with you as it is with others.”
My head spun, unable to wrap my mind around what Tarrin was implying. Thaddeus and I got on, to be sure, but his feelings didn’t run deep. He’d told me himself that he was closed off to such things, that he wouldn’t even entertain them until his people, his future family, were safe.
“For argument’s sake, let’s say you’re right. How would he act differently if I weren’t me?” I asked.
“He’d tap into your energy, no matter what it cost, and he wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt. Not if it helped save our people.” Thecold, stark truth Tarrin spoke halted me, reframing everything I thought I knew.
I wasn’t sure what he could read on my face, but Tarrin said, “Nyleeria, Thaddeus is a good man, but in the past five centuries, he’s had to do things that mark a man’s soul. We all have. Not out of choice, but necessity.”
I understood then that, in a way, this never stopped being a war to them. Not one played out on a battlefield, but of strategy, patience, procurement. I couldn’t imagine having to bide my time, forced to do unimaginable things, saddled with the burden of protecting mankind. I heaved a sigh. The pressure, the enormity of what he’d shouldered for so many years—I couldn’t imagine.
I looked at Tarrin, needing to voice the truth that kept repeating itself to me. “He scared me today, Tarrin. The way he reacted… It was exulting—like some sort of high.”
“I know. I felt it from him too.” His eyes darkened at the admission.
“I don’t know what to do, Tarrin.” I looked at him, hoping for answers.
“I can’t help you with that, Ny. You’re going to have to decide that for yourself and talk to Thaddeus about it. Just remember that he cares for you, and you both want the same thing at the end of the day.”
Chapter 45
What about Intent?
