Am I?
My simurgh gathers inside, the magic coalescing into a bright ball in my chest and blasting from the runes on my arms. I hear the gasps of awe and fear, and the subsequent cries for mercy.
Glancing over my shoulder, I meet Roshan’s hard gaze. For a heart-stopping moment, I imagine I see deep purplish whorls clouding his eyes, but then it’s an arrow to my own heart when he gives me a curt, emotionless nod.
I bite my lip so hard I taste blood as my starlight ignites in white-hot, iridescent ribbons of flame.
“Burn,” I whisper.
***
MY DREAMS AREbrutal.
I toss and I turn, but they have me in an inexorable grip, relentless and punishing.
Gods, their faces. The terrified cries of the villagers who’d known me as a child and saw me as one of them... and now see me as a stranger. Anexecutioner.
Even though I’d been quick in actuality—my magic barely a flash before the two dozen armed assassins had crumbled to ash, borne away on a wind I’d summoned—in my nightmare, I smell their charred flesh and hear their pleas on an endless loop. Eventually, no evidence of them remains, except for Sandar, who stares at me like I am a demon incarnate.
I am, after all, the monster he believes me to be.
My eyes fly open, the first light of dawn slanting through my glass windows. The weight of their souls is a crushing burden. How many of them had been convinced that what they were doing was right? That attempting to assassinate the king was their purpose?
They brought the judgment on themselves...
Roshan’s words from last night are little comfort. He’d ordered the death sentence, but I had fulfilled it. I draw my knees up to my chest, holding them tight with my arms. The remnants of my argument with the king do not offer any consolation.
“How does this not make us as bad as them?” I’d asked Roshan.
His expression had been unrecognizable. “I am the king of Oryndhr. My enemies need to understand the consequences of going against me.”
“But you could have gone about this a different way. A humane way.” I’d glanced to Clem for support, but she had shaken her head.
“He’s right, Sura,” she’d said. “We can’t afford to be merciful when our foes are not.”
“Merciful?” I’d scoffed. “Our response was monstrous.”
“Sometimes you have to be a monster to kill the monsters,” Aran had interjected, though I could see the sorrow on his face before he wiped the emotion away so Roshan wouldn’t see it. That was telling—why would he hide his true reactions from his cousin? He was the king’s chancellor, hisadviser. And yet, even Aran had seemed unusually meek.
I’d known I couldn’t convince them, and it was much too late to change anything, but I’d persisted anyway... perhaps out of my own monumental guilt. “But we’renotmonsters. Those are men who might have been led astray by a heretic. We don’t even know who this oracle is. You have a duty to your people, Ro, even those who might be your opposition.”
Oh, he hadn’t liked that—me taking him to task in front of his trusted circle. “It’s not your place to question my rule.”
Thathad struck like the blow he’d meant it to be.
My face must have reflected my hurt, because remorse had leaked over his features. “Leave us,” he’d told the others. “This is hard for me, too,” he’d said once we were alone. “By the maker, you think I wanted to kill those men? I had no choice.”
“There’s always a choice.”
“Ruling is not that simple, Sura.” He’d raked a hand through his hair, the brief glimpse of softness in his expression disappearing. “Look, perhaps it would be better if we... both had some breathing room. You’re upset, and I don’t want to say something I don’t mean. I’ll go back to Kaldari, and you can stay here to visit with your father and aunt until the morning.”
I’d frowned. “We promised to be honest with each other, remember?”
“And Iam, Sura,” he’d said. “Gods, I can’t bear you looking at me like that. This path is paved with brutal decisions, and I need you with me. But I understand if you can’t.”
“You’d let me remain here?”
The words had slipped out, the hope in them at being released something I’d stupidly been unable to hide, and the bitter devastation on his face had hit me hard. It’d vanished in a blink, his features stiffening with practiced neutrality. “Tonight, Suraya. I’ll give you tonight because we both need space. But you’ll return tomorrow, and we will continue the tour as planned.”
