She lets out a breathless “oh” as I tap on the glass. I don’t know if I can look at her without bursting into tears. It doesn’t feel real. Maybe I am still dreaming.
Soft hands startle me as they wrap around my wrist, gripping my hand. Hot tears burn in their tracks as they fall down my face, and I violently wipe them off. With a tight throat and a sniffle, I look at Winnie, who’s got a small smile. Her eyes are warm as she scans my face.
“It was scary,” she says quietly. I can barely hear her above the noise in the bar, but the background noise starts to drown out. “I was starting to look at my teammates and female classmates the same.” She makes a weird face, remembering what she’s said in the past.
“But did you—?”
“I didn’t think a girl was breathtaking until I was in college.” She lets out a deep breath. “Maggie. She was—well, breathtaking. And she paid attention to me, andit was like I had gained the attention of the sun; I was basking in her.”
“Poetic,” I mutter. She lightly slaps my hand before her smile returns. “But did you…?“
“It was long, sneaky glances and agreeing when there was a beautiful woman in the room and then, well, it was porn.” Her cheeks are bright red at the admission. “I started focusing on women with men, and then women by themselves and then women with other women, and I don’t know, it felt right when I saw the pleasure and wondered what it would be like to get a woman off.”
“So, you—”
“I didn’t start seeing women until college, but I was definitely exploring my sexuality before then.” Her bright blue eyes are staring holes through me. “What else do you want to know?”
I take a shuddering breath, trying to stabilize my ability to talk before continuing. “And it didn’t feel performative? Dating a man or a woman?”
She snorts, “No. But if you were so far in the closet that you didn’t know you were queer, if could’ve felt like that. I know some others who struggled with being comphet their entire lives.”
Comphet.
“What’s that?”
“It’s when you think that being heterosexual is the only thing you can be, that it’s the only valid sexuality,” she shakes her head, “There’s a whole bunchof research that’s been done on it, but that’s what it boils down to.”
“But what about the guilt?”
“The guilt?”
I nod. “Don’t you feel like you’re letting your parents down by not settling down with a man?”
She shrugs. “They don’t care. They would rather have fluffy grandchildren than hairless ones. As long as I’m happy, they said, which is really irritating as a teen trying to rebel against her parents,” her smile grows.
“Oh.” It’s soft as it escapes my mouth. I didn’t mean to say it, but hearing it feels like a gut punch.
“Do your parents want grandkids?”
“Yeah, I think,” I say. “I just… Frank was the best choice. I knew him; he knew them. It was mutually beneficial. I got them off my back, and he got,” I wrack my brain, “I’m not sure what he got, but he got something for sure.”
She rolls her eyes. “Frank’s an idiot.”
I snort, and it’s significantly wetter than I thought. I wipe away the tears that are welling up in my eyes. “Yeah, well. We all know that now.” She pats my hand. “Do you think I may have been comphet?”
She shrugs. “Did you like kissing and sleeping with Eloise?”
I nod. “It was refreshing.”
“Did you want to do more?”
My cheeks burn, and when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window, they’re scarlet. “Maybe.”
She smiles. “You could talk to Eloise...”
I shake my head as quickly as she suggests it. “Absolutely not. I just… We just became friends. I can’t say that I want to experiment with her to see if I’m not straight.”
Winnie’s lip quirks. “Honey, I don’t want to be insensitive, but I think you’re a little more not straight than you are straight. I’ve seen those lingering glances.”
