“Same,” you say.
You don’t think you hate him anymore. He could’ve told everyone what you said—what you didn’t say—but he didn’t. That’s something, right?
You don’t hate him, but you definitely don’t like him, either.
Your protein bar is chewy and tasteless but still better than the weird chemical-y taste of the protein shakes your dad bought you from Costco last time you asked for some. Better than the brownies at the RC meeting, too, not in the taste department because you didn’t taste them, but because the protein bar won’t throw off your macros.
You’re grateful you don’t have to do the Nineteen-Day Fast for another year, because missing meals and snacks from dawn to dusk would definitely interfere with your gains.
Truth be told, you’re not sure you’ll do it next year. You’re not sure you feel all that Bahá’í, especially with being… well. Gay. The teachings aren’t super on board with that, even though Maman and Baba promised you could still be Bahá’í if you wanted to.
You’re not sure you want to. You’re still figuring out what it means to be… gay.
It feels strange and frightening and liberating to think the word, even if you don’t say it, not even at RC, where they talk about how beautiful it is to be out, how the world is made better by people being their true selves.
You’re not even sure who your true self is yet. You think you might need a while to figure it out.
The door opens behind you; you turn as Cooper comes to join you on the sidewalk. The wind has picked up, blowing in puffy gray clouds from the west, and it wafts his fragrance your way. Your mouth goes dry, and you nearly choke on your protein bar as you swallow it down.
“H-hey,” you manage.
“Hey.” His brown hands grip the straps of his backpack. “You okay?”
“Me?”
You know he’s got to be talking to you. He’slookingat you, and there’s no one else around waiting for pickup. But what is he seeing that would make him ask something like that?
“I’m good. Why?”
“You just seem quiet is all.”
Well, you’ve had a lot on your mind the past few days, but you can’t tell him that. Or can you? He’s in RC after all, and you’re still not sure exactly why. Maybe he’s an ally like Nour, but maybe he’s like you.
Your skin tingles at the thought; excitement thrills up your spine, tinged with fear, too.
“Just thinking,” you tell him, but you can feel your cheeks heating as he looks at you. You stuff the rest of your protein bar in your mouth to give yourself an excuse not to talk, except now you have a slightly sticky plastic wrapper in your hand, so you follow the sidewalk along the retaining wall to where there’s a big black trash can.
Cooper follows you, matching his steps to yours. He really is handsome. He’s not in your kind of shape, but he looks good exactly the way he is, and he smells amazing, like Persian tea, like warm spices, like springtime.
“You always smell nice,” you tell him.
He smiles wide, showing off the little gap in his teeth again. You hope he never has to get braces, because they would ruin his smile.
“Thanks,” he says. “I just switched to my spring fragrance. It’s D&G.”
You don’t know what that means, but who cares, because he smells like orange blossoms and almonds and happiness.
“You always look good. You must work out, like, a ton,” he tells you.
Your face nearly catches fire, and your cheeks clench up as you try not to smile too big. You look down at your feet, because your chest feels tight and embarrassed, but he thinks you look good.You’re still working on some problem spots, but you’re making progress, and he sees that. He sees it and thinks you look good.
He thinks you look good, and you think he looks good, and smells good, too, and you’re both here, waiting for pickup after RC, and you feel brave (when did you get so brave?) so you just ask him.
“Would you ever want to, like, go out? Sometime? With me?”
You don’t know where you would go or what you would do, but you don’t think it would matter that much as long as it was with him. Just the two of you.
Cooper’s smile does something then. It doesn’t dim, but it does shift a bit. He scratches the back of his head.
