Everything wasnotfine.
“Jake, you mind if your mom and I step outside for a second?”
Jake shrugged. Noah gestured.
Angela crossed her arms but led the way into the hall. As soon as he closed the door, Noah rounded on her.
“Why didn’t you tell me the minute he got sick?” He kept his voiceas even as he could, though Angela had to hear the shake in it. Everything in him wanted to scream and shout, but this was a hospital, and no matter what, Noah didn’t shout to get his way.
“Because it was a minor surgery. Because you were hours away and it was the middle of the night. Because Jake was safe and being taken care of. And because I was afraid you’d do exactly what you ended up doing.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Anger flared in Noah’s chest, but he shoved it down, packed it tight. Except it wouldn’t pack. He’d been stuffing down everything he felt so long, there was no more room. “I’m hisdad. I deserved to know. This whole trip you’ve been acting like your opinion is the only one that matters, but it’s not. I’m allowed to be upset about this.”
Angela opened her mouth to argue—like always—but to Noah’s surprise, she snapped it shut again. She took a deep breath, her nostrils flaring, but when she exhaled, she seemed to deflate a bit. Soften.
“You’re right.”
Noah blinked. He could probably count on one hand—two, tops—the number of times Angela had said that to him. Granted, she usuallywasright, but still.
“I’m sorry. I was doing what I thought was best for you, but I don’t get to choose that. You do. It’s just… you put everyone’s needs and wants ahead of your own. All the time. And it probably doesn’t help when I steamroll you, and that’s something thatIneed to work on. But, Noah, it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes. You don’t have to be such a martyr.”
Noah shook his head, but his ears rang with the truth of it. Hadn’t Ramin said the same thing, just last night?
“And now,” Angie said, holding his eyes. “You found someone who cares aboutyourneeds, who putsyoufirst, and what do you do? You leave him behind.”
“There was no time—”
“Five minutes wouldn’t have made a damned bit of difference ingetting here, and they sure as hell wouldn’t have made Jake recover faster. You could’ve brought him with you. So why didn’t you?”
Noah opened his mouth to explain, but nothing came out.
Whydidn’the? He’d ached every mile as the train steamed toward Turin. He ached for Ramin now. Wished he could take Ramin’s hand and twine their fingers together. Find some strength in Ramin’s solid, steady presence.
“I don’t know.”
Except he did know, deep down.
He had panicked. Plain and simple. He’d spent every day since Jake was born trying to be the best father he could be, and some lizard-brain part of him saidGo-go-go. So he had.
“I freaked out,” he admitted.
“I understand. But Itoldyou Jake was all right. What kind of example are you setting for him? To always put everyone else’s needs before his own? That’s no way to live a life, Noah. Not for him, and not for you.”
Noah shook his head. His eyes burned. “I know.” It all made perfect sense, now that he was here, now that he could see Jake was okay, but that didn’t undo what an absolute fool he’d been. “I just never want him to doubt that I love him with all my heart. Exactly how he is. And I’ll always protect him.”
“He knows,” Angela said. And then, more quietly, in answer to the thing Noah was thinking but hadn’t said aloud: “You’re not your parents.”
Noah let out a low breath. Heknewhe wasn’t. But the wounds ran deep, and sometimes he forgot.
“I know,” he managed. He was crying, and he hated crying, not because it was weak or bad or because his parents had said that boys don’t cry. He hated it because he was the snottiest crier on the face of the planet. He sniffed and tried to spot a Kleenex box through his tears before things gotreallygross.
To her credit, Angela didn’t bat an eye, just pulled a little packet of tissues out of her tactical satchel and handed them over.
“Thanks.” He blew his nose.
She nodded. “So. What now?”
“I don’t know.” Another thing Noah hated about crying: It gave him the hiccups. “I really messed up with Ramin.”
