Liam bites his lip, then starts flapping his arms like he does on the starting blocks. His shirt rides up his abdomen as he moves, and I look down at my blocking diagrams to distract myself. It doesn’t work, though. The briefest flash of skin and it reminds me of all thestickyembarrassing dreams he’s featured in recently.
He’s going on a date with Jasmine. I’m a horrible brother.
“Good,” Dr. Lochley says. “Embrace physicality. Take a few deep breaths. Now, let’s get to work on this kiss.”
Liam studies Cam warily.
“I want you to forget about the blocking for now. Just do what feels authentic.”
Liam and Cameron run through the scene, glancing down at their scripts occasionally. When they get to the kiss, Cameron leans in and kisses Liam on his upstage cheek.
“Stop,” Dr. Lochley says. She mutters a long string of direction I can’t catch. “And then, I want you to pause and kiss him again on the lips. Are you both comfortable with that?”
I grip my pencil so tight I’m surprised it doesn’t snap. I don’t want to see Liam and Cam kiss. I don’t want to see Liam kiss anyone. Even if it’s just for the show.
I want him to sayNo, I’m not comfortable.I want him to say,What if I rehearse with Jackson instead.
I want to go hide in the theatre office and let Paige take over this rehearsal. But she’s not ready yet.
Liam and Cam run the scene again. This time, after Judaskisses Jesus on the cheek, he adds a closed-mouth peck on the lips.
“No,” Dr. Lochley says as they pull apart. “Something is still missing.”
She gets up onstage, takes Liam by the shoulders to bring him closer to Cameron, then adjusts Cameron’s stance, steps back to look at the picture they make.
I can’t quite tell what she’s saying, so I get out of my seat and get up onstage, standing a few paces to Liam’s right. Paige stands next to me, notebook in hand, even though she can probably hear just fine from her seat.
“Remember,” Dr. L says to Cam. “This is the most intense relationship you’ve ever had. You think you’re protecting him. You’ve seen what people want from Jesus. This is the only way to save him from something worse.”
She turns to Liam.
“And you know exactly what’s happening. You know what comes next. But you love Judas, flaws and all. This isn’t just goodbye. This is ‘I love you.’ This is ‘I forgive you.’ ”
I’m pretty sure we’ve veered even more outside the Bible than the musical already is. It’s definitely not in the script. I doubt theToxic Jesus FandomToxic Andrew Lloyd Weber Fandom will appreciate all the homoerotic liberties Dr. Lochley is taking with the show.
Then again, being gay and doing crime is sort of Dr. Lochley’s thing.
“All right, let’s go again, from ‘Judas, must you betray me with a kiss?’ ”
I’m still onstage, next to Dr. Lochley, which means I’m closeenough to see it when Cam turns on his puppy-dog eyes, the way he used to do before he kissed me.
It also means I’m close enough to see the way Liam’s eyes dart between Cam’s eyes and lips and back to his eyes.
And when their lips meet, it’s different. It’s... intense.
It feels so intimate, I want to look away. I can’t, though. I can’t even breathe.
Liam’s lips are thin, much thinner than Cameron’s, and he’s got one of those mouths that look like it’s always holding a frog in it. But there’s a tenderness to the way he and Cam touch their lips together, how their bodies lean in. It’s sad and beautiful andI hate itperfect.
The air in the Little Theatre feels too close, like the air conditioner has shut off again, which it does sometimes in early fall, when parts of the building are too hot and parts are too cold. The back of my neck burns.
When Liam and Cameron finally pull apart, they hold each other’s eyes for a beat.
Finally, Dr. Lochley claps her hands, and the spell is broken. “Excellent! That’s the energy I need. Now let’s tweak the blocking.”
“Hey, can you take over for a second?” I ask Paige as we back off the stage. “I need some water.”
I let the theatre door slam shut behind me, run for the bathroom, and hide in the first open stall. The bathroom is on the west side of the building, and the afternoon sun streams in through the high blocky windows, turning thetoilet paper particlesdust motes in the air into golden glitter.
