I can’t breathe.
I wish I’d said something sooner. I wish I’d never let him and Jasmine get to know each other.
But that wouldn’t have made any difference. I was just imagining things. Imagining that he wanted anything other than friendship from me. And friendship is fine. It’s fine.
I’m fine.
13
I’m not fine.
As soon as Dr. L gives us our passes, Liam heads back downstairs, while I head toward the A Hall. I take my seat in American Literature and pretend I’m taking notes. But I’m not.
LIAM’S BREAKUP LIST:
HE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE ME LIKE THAT
HE NEVER LIKED ME LIKE THAT
MIXED SIGNALS
DATING MY SISTER
It’s not helping, though. Because even if he doesn’t like me like that, he does like me. He’s my friend. He helped me with the code red. He tucks in my tags. He’s even learning ASL, something my own family will barely do.
Making a list about him feels weird and wrong. I rip the page out of my binder, crumple it up, and throw it in the first recycle bin I can find.
Liam is my friend. I was only dreaming of more.
I need to wake up.
***
“All right. Let’s try something,” Dr. Lochley says.
Onstage, Liam and Cameron nod. We’re in the Little Theatre, since the Main Theatre is all set for a band concert tonight. It’s just Liam and Cam today: Dr. L wants to work on the scene where Judas betrays Jesus, and decided it would be easier to work with the two of them alone first and add the soldiers later.
“I want you both to center yourselves.”
“Center... myself?” Liam asks. His eyes spike mine, but I pretend not to notice him as I help Paige put together her ASM binder. She’s officially come on board as my assistant, which is great, because she’s a hard worker and a quick learner.
“Internally,” Dr. L says. “Cam, what do you do?”
“I like to count backward from ten, somethingsomething into the role.”
“Very good.” Dr. Lochley taps her lips. “I had a classmate in college who once stripped naked and climbed atop one of the giant shuttlecocks at the Nelson-Atkins on the night of the full moon, but that’s still a week away. And she only used that method in extreme cases.” She tilts her head. “Actually, now that I think about it, I’m not sure if it was the naked climbing or the getting arrested that she found centering.”
Paige’s mouth drops open. I just shrug.
“So. What do you do?” Dr. L asks Liam.
“I’m not sure.” He looks my way again, and this time I don’t look away fast enough.
I can’t just leave him high and dry.
“What about that thing you do before a race?” I demonstrate,stretching my arms wide, then hugging myself, careful not to elbow Paige in the face.
Dr. Lochley nods. “Perfect! Why not try that?”
