“Iknow.”
“It’s not going to happen, Davy. Itcan’t!” He hissed out an angry breath. “Goddammit! I do not want to hurt him!”
“Colin, you have to be honest with that kid. Don’t lead him on. Tell him the truth. If you and Josh don’t want to take on that kind of commitment … you have to tell him so straight out and honest.”
Colin nodded. “I gotta talk to Josh.”
“Yeah. And the sooner the better, because Alex isgoingto bring it up.”
Colin’s lips drew back over his teeth. “Fuck me!”
“Talk to Josh.”
He nodded again, then moved back to the porch, reaching to grab Joshua’s arm, interrupting his conversation with Trent and Jeff. “Need you,” he ground out, reaching for Joshua’s sleeve. A sharp pang lanced through his side as he moved, making him hiss through clenched teeth. “Need you rightnow!”
A flash of fear tightened Joshua’s face as he bolted to his feet and followed his husband a short distance from the cabin. “Are you OK?” he stammered out, grabbing Colin’s arm, looking him up and down. “Tell me! Are you in pain?”
“I’m fine, Josh. It’s not me.” He drew in a deep breath, then told him about David’s conversation with Alex.
Joshua gazed at the ground, standing in silence for a long time. Then he met his husband’s eyes. “I need to know your exact feelings on this.”
“My feelings are: One, it’s impossible, and two, I hate myself for saying that.”
Joshua nodded. “No, you’re right. Itisimpossible. And not just because of the kind of lives we live. It’s impossible because we’vemadethat decision. We don’t want that kind of commitment. But, Colin, don’t hate yourself. That boy is asking two guys he barely knows to take on ahuge, lifelong responsibility. He’s been with us at summer camp. He only knows that side of us. The side that’s been completely focused on these kids and their needs. But that’snotour life. And it never will be!”
“Oh god, Josh, I don’t want to hurt that kid. I don’t want to destroy all the progress he’s made.”
“We won’t. I promise you, we won’t.” He grabbed both of Colin’s hands in his and held them tight. “Colin, saying ‘no’ to becoming full-time foster parents doesnoterase everything we’ve done for that boy.” He drew in a deep breath. “Agreeing to something neither of us wants just to keep from hurting his feelings won’t help him in the long run. He doesn’t need a halfhearted promise. He needs stability.”
He walked a few steps from where Colin stood, then turned to face him. “Let me think for a minute.”
Colin stood, a soft smile touching his face as he watched Joshua pace back and forth. This was how his husband processed; this was how he coped. After several minutes, Joshua stopped pacing and simply stared out toward the mountains before returning to Colin’s side.
“OK. Here’s what I think: One, I want to get him together with Ryan. He’d need it even without this development, and Ryan is a great child psychology specialist. Two, just becausewe can’tfosterhim doesn’t mean we walk away!” He grabbed Colin’s arm. “Why can’t we pick him up now and then for an ice cream? Take him with us to David’s cabin? Or to a movie now and then? We can be part of his life without being full-time foster parents! We can be his friends!”
Colin gave a slow nod. “Will he feel as though we’re tossing him crumbs?”
Joshua’s grip on Colin’s arm tightened. “Honey, he’ll feel the way he feels. There’s not a damn thing we can do to control how he feels about this or reacts to it. We’ll give him honesty, and that means we offer what weknowwe can give. How he chooses to respond is up to him. Hemaybe hurt at first. He may be angry. But that’s ok. Those feelings are allowed. And even if heishurt or angry, we’ll make sure he knows that our offer will stand no matter what. All he has to do is call, and we’ll be there.”
“God, Josh. Why can’t anything just besimple?”
Joshua gave a soft laugh and eased into Colin’s arms. “Because, my darling, this is life. And life is seldom simple.”
They stood, holding each other for a long time, then moved back to where their friends stood waiting. Colin sank to a porch step and looked up at Trent who met his eyes, his own dark with sympathy. “David told us.”
Colin nodded. “Good.”
“Did you decide anything?” David asked.
“We’re going to offer friendship,” Joshua told them. “Not foster him, but not ignore him either. Take him for an ice cream or to UVA for a baseball game. Bring him to the cabin with us now and then.” He gazed at his friends. “We’ll give what we can.”
“Include him in ‘movie night’!” Trent suggested, meaning the nights he, Jeff, and Sophie were guests at Colin and Joshua’s home for pizza and movies.
“Yeah!” Colin exclaimed. “Movie night! That could be good.” He glanced up at Trent. “And isn’t he about Sophie’s age?”
Trent shot him a scowl. “Watch it, Irish!”
“I meant he’d have afriendthere his own age! I’m not matchmaking!”
