His eyes met Colin’s, eyebrows arched. “Divorcingyou, Colin?”
“OK, that was a stupid thing to say.”
Joshua nodded but gave no response.
He leaned toward Joshua and took his hand. “Please don’t be mad at me.”
“‘Mad’ would be a distinct improvement over what I’m feeling right now.”
“I’m a little scared to ask, but whatareyou feeling?”
“I feel like I’m not a priority in your life anymore.”
“Goddammit, Josh, you’re myonlypriority! Why do you think I did what I did? Toprotectyou, not to mention to protect our two best friends!”
“You couldn’t have stepped back and let the Irish police officer do that? Isn’t thathisjob? You’renota cop anymore, Colin. I meant what I said earlier. Do you want to protect me? Then protect me from the agony and grief of losing the man I worship to some total stranger with a gun! Protect me fromthat, Colin.”
“Joshua…” Colin’s voice trailed off, and for a long time, he was silent.
“What?” Joshua asked finally. “Speak your piece, Colin. This isn’t a time to hold back.”
“I am who I am, Josh.”
“What the hell doesthatmean?”
“No. I’m not a cop anymore, and thank you for reminding me. But that doesn’t obliterate ten fuckingyearsof discipline and training! I wasn’t trained to stop and analyze what might be the most sensible course of action in a deadly force situation. OR what tactic might piss off my husband. If I did, I’d bedead. And so would everyone around me! We’ve talked about this. Deadly force situations lastseconds! That’s how long a cop has to protect those around him.Seconds!”
Joshua’s eyes dropped.
“That guy wasalreadypulling the trigger when I grabbed his wrist. Ibarelygot there in time. I did what I had to do to save my husband’s life. Andmylife. And David and Nate’s life. And that shop owner’s life.” He drew in a deep breath and blew it out. “And I can’t promise I wouldn’t do it again because, despite what you may think, I’m a thousand times more motivated to act when it’syoubecause your safety is my number one priority.” He leaned back in the swing, staring past Joshua to the street beyond.
After a long while, Joshua spoke. “You are the one who promised me that I’d never have to go through that kind of pain again. The kind of pain I felt when you damn near died.”
“And I meant it.”
“But you keep charging into situations that could get you hurt! Orkilled!”
“Joshua, exactly how often has this kind of situation come up?”
“Never before.”
“And probably never again. So, how do I ‘keep charging into situations that could hurt or kill me’?How!”
Joshua stared down at the floor. His chest and throat tightened, and his eyes burned with tears.
“You don’t think you’re being just alittleunreasonable?”
“I don’t want to lose you.”
“I feel the same way aboutyou!”
Joshua swiped his forearm across his face, and Colin drew him into his arms and held him close. “God, baby, I’m sorry. I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry you were scared. I’m sorry we were standing there. I’m sorry you’re upset with me.” He eased Joshua away from him, then lifted his head until their eyes met. “But I’mnotsorry I did what I did, Josh. Your life was in danger. So were David’s and Nate’s. And any time your well-being is at stake, I can’t just stand there. I have toact. It’s got nothing to do with being a big damn hero. It’s just—it’s just who Iam.”
“Your destiny calls, and you go?” Joshua faltered, quoting Don Quixote. He looked up at Colin, his brown eyes welling with tears.
“Something like that, only not quite as poetic.”
“I’m sorry about the ‘big damn hero’ thing. That was sarcastic and uncalled for.”
