“I wish you’d stop saying that! You’ve done nothing to be sorry for.” He heard Colin stir next to him, then heard his voice again.
“Now tilt your head back, baby. The nurse gave me some eyewash, and I’m going to use it to clean your eyes.” He kissed Joshua again. “Let me know if I hurt you.”
Joshua leaned his head back and felt Colin glide a soft, damp object glide over his eyes, one at a time. “They get gunked up at night,” Colin whispered, his face so close that Joshua felt his warm breath against his face. His touch was gentle and infinitely loving, and Joshua felt his eyes burn with tears.
“You’re wonderful,” he whispered, his voice breaking.
“Open your eyes,” Colin murmured, and when Joshua did, the tears that had burned there spilled onto his cheeks. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m so much in love with you. More than I’ve ever been before.” He wrapped his left arm around Colin’s neck and held him close, struggling to still his soft weeping, knowing full well that his explanation was not entirely truthful.
“Don’t cry, darlin’,” Colin whispered, rocking him in his arms. “Loving me’s nothing to cry about.”
Joshua nodded, then swallowed hard and clung to Colin, his arm growing tighter around his neck, his face pressed to Colin’s chest. “Don’t let me go,” Joshua whispered. “Please don’t.” Against his will he felt his loving reaction to Colin’s care turning into something else. Something unnatural to him. Something uncontrollable. He felt panic building in his chest and sucked in a quick breath.
“Never let you go,” Colin murmured into his ear. “Not ever. You know that.”
“God, Colin, please take me home,” Joshua cried out. He heard himself sobbing against Colin’s chest and wondered why he was acting this way. “I want to be home! I want to be home with you!” He heard himself crying, then gasped and tried to catch his breath. His heart slammed against his chest with such violence that he moaned, overcome by sudden dizziness.
“Josh?” Colin asked. “Baby, what’swrong?”
Joshua tried to answer but couldn’t. His fingers clenched in Colin’s shirt; his face still pressed to his husband’s chest. “I don’t know! I don’t know!”
Colin tightened his arms. “Josh, breathe, baby. You know the drill. Breathe in and out.”
“I want to go home,” Joshua moaned.
“Honey, as soon as Adam gets here, he’ll discharge you, and I’lltakeyou home.”
“Where the hellishe?” Joshua cried. He wrenched away from Colin’s embrace, then grabbed his arm, staring into his eyes. His teeth were clenched, and every breath was a hissing gasp. “He should be here by now!” Joshua spat out. “Goddammit, where the fuckishe!” He pulled away and lifted his shaking left hand to cover his face.
“Josh!” Colin said, alarmed by his volatile behavior. “Honey, take it easy. It’s four-thirty in the morning! He probably doesn’t do rounds ’til nine or so. Josh, look at me! Are you having a panic attack?”
Joshua gave no answer, his face still covered by his hand. “Oh my god,” he moaned out.
“Josh, take a breath. Try to center yourself.”
Joshua nodded. He lowered his hand and turned back to face his husband, his face white “I’m scaring myself,” he whispered, then moaned again and lifted his hand to his forehead. “God, Colin, I’ve got a horrible headache.”
“Fuck this,” Colin muttered. He grabbed the button to call the nurse and pressed it. “Adam needs to get his ass in here right now.”
“I want to go home,” Joshua repeated, then turned and pulled Colin closer, clutching Colin’s shirt in his fist. “Don’t tell Adam!” he begged. “Please don’t tell him I got upset. He won’t let me go home!”
Colin placed both hands on Joshua’s shoulders and pressed him back on the bed. “Relax for a minute,” he said, then turned to the nurse who had entered the room. “Something’s wrong,” Colin told her. “He has a bad headache, and he’s not acting right. Call Doctor Casey, and tell him I need to see him here ASAP.”
“Colin, no!” Joshua cried, reaching for him with his uninjured hand.
“Tell him!” Colin snapped, then watched as the nurse nodded and left the room.
“Goddammit, Colin!”
“Now you listen tome,” Colin said, wheeling to face his husband. “I don’t give a damnwhatyou want right now. You’re not yourself! Something’s wrong, Josh! I know it, and you know it!” He gripped Joshua’s shoulders. “Look at yourself! Listen to yourself! Is thisyou, Josh? We’re telling Adam about this! If it means you can’t come home yet, then that’s the way it goes. I’ll hate it, but we’re not ignoring this, Josh. I won’t risk it.”
Joshua leaned forward into Colin’s embrace; his face pressed to his husband’s chest. “Oh god, Colin, I’m scared! I’m crying for no reason. I’m upset for no reason. I’m outside myself, watching myself falling apart, and I’m helpless do anything to stop it.”
“Relax, honey,” Colin murmured, rocking Joshua in his arms. “It’s the concussion. It’ll all be better in time.”
“Son of a bitch!” Joshua blurted out. “Goddammit, haven’t I hadenough? Now I have to deal with thistoo?” He hissed out a breath through clenched teeth, still clinging to Colin.
