Trent pulled an easy chair to Joshua’s bedside and sat down, facing him. “Tell me what’s going on. Do you want me to call Colin? Have him come back?”
Joshua shook his head. “No. Let him sleep. God knows he needs it.” He stared down at Trent for a moment. “I’ve felt sohorribleever since I regained consciousness.”
“Well, yeah...” Trent began, but Joshua interrupted him.
“Not because of the physical pain. I can take that. I’m being torn apart from theinside.Tormented by guilt, Trent. Guilt and shame! Like I somehow brought this on myself. I sent Colin away because I felt ashamed to meet his eyes or have him near me.”
“Josh, why on earth would you feel guilt or shame?”
“It’s all the old crap from when I was a kid. My dad would beat me and then leave me in a dark room to cry myself to sleep. God, Trent, I was a little kid. In my mind it was allmyfault that my father didn’t love me. Allmyfault that he beat me. I’d sit in that dark room, and I’d cry and cry and cry because I was so lonely, and because I believed with all my heart that no one couldeverlove me.”
“Well, that’s utter bullshit because alotof people love you, includingme. And certainly, you know Colin loves you. The level of lovesick sappiness he demonstrates toward you is downright revolting!”
“My logical mind knows that,” Joshua said, giving him a small smile. “Now I have to convince myillogicalfeelings! And, I’m sorry, Trent. I’m dumping this on you when I should be talking to my shrink. What the hell are you doing here anyway?”
“Oh!” Trent said, then reached into his pocket and drew out a small red ball. “Here,” he said, handing it to Joshua. “I checked out the X-rays of your arm and then talked to Adam about it, and I’m going to give you a couple simple exercises to do after you get home that’ll keep your arm strong and flexible ‘til you’re out of that brace.” He nodded toward the ball. “Don’t start using it until Casey gives you the go-ahead. Should be about a week. Then squeeze the ball twenty or so times every time you think of it. It’ll help. I’ll bring you a small half-pound weight tomorrow and you can also do some gentle arm bends with it in your hand. Ten or fifteen at a time. That’ll help too.”
“Thank you,” Joshua told him.
“Josh, you should call Colin. Talk to him about this stuff. You shouldn’t keep it to yourself that you’re having these feelings.”
Joshua looked down at the small ball in his hand and shook his head. “Let him sleep,” he murmured again, then hissed out a frustrated breath. “God, after fuckingyearsof therapy and working through this old childhood crap, it’s goddamn discouraging to have it right back in my face again, tearing at my soul like no time at all had passed.”
“Well, these are unusual circumstances,” Trent said. “What you went through was bound to trigger some of that old baggage. And Colin will understand what you’re feeling! He went through it too. He knows all about feeling humiliated by injuries that weren’t his fault.”
“It’s not that,” Joshua said. “I know he’ll understand. I didn’t want to vomit all that crap onto his lap after the day and night he had. He went through more than I did. At least I knew what was happening. He knewnothing!”
“He knew enough.”
“Don’t say anything to him, Trent.”
“Josh, I won’t. The one who needs to talk to him isyou! Don’t keep him in the dark about this. He’ll notice it anyway and think it’s his fault.” He shot Joshua a sideways glance. “He already blames himself for what happened to you.”
“How could any of this behisfault?”
“Well, according to him, when he let you start driving yourself back and forth to work again, he opened the door to what happened. If hehadn’t...” Trent stopped speaking and shrugged in a gesture of helpless resignation, eyebrows lifted. “And that’s howthatgoes! At least in Colin’s fevered brain.”
Joshua groaned and fell back against his pillow.
“That’s the downside to having delusions of godhood,” Trent teased, winking at Joshua. “Makes you responsible foreverything.”
Joshua snorted out a laugh. “He doesn’t have delusions of godhood. He’s not that egomaniacal.”
“He’s egomaniacalenough,” Trent said, laughing as he got to his feet. “OK, I’m outta here. I’ll check on you tomorrow when I make rounds.” He pointed to the ball in Joshua’s hand. “Don’t forget about using that ball after you get home, twenty times every time you think of it. It’ll keep your arm strong and limber.”
Joshua nodded. “I won’t. Thanks, Trent!”
The moment Trent disappeared into the brightly lit hallway, Joshua grabbed his phone and called Colin.
“Hey, bud,” he said, his voice drowsy. “You OK?”
“Did I wake you?”
“No. I just now laid down. I had a zillion messages on my phone, so I took some time to respond to some of them, then I called Glencoe to give them an update.” Joshua heard him expel a noisy sigh. “Took more time than I thought it would.”
“I wanted to hear your voice,” Joshua stammered. “Needed to hear it.” He could almosthearColin snap to full alertness.
“Josh? Are you OK?”
