“Colin? Am I going to have to testify? I mean...they’ll need me to testify against him, right?”
“I’m going to quoteyounow, Joshua, so listen carefully: You’re a bright guy, and that’s a stupid question.” He peered down at Joshua who had turned away. “Does it trouble you?”
“I don’t look forward to seeing him again.” He glanced up at Colin. “He made me...” His voice trailed off and he grimaced. “I mean he...” He hesitated, then drew in a quick breath. “I didn’t fight him,” Joshua mumbled. “I—I cowered away from him. I was kind of...” he cast a sheepish look into Colin’s eyes, “…a wimp.”
“What are youtalkingabout?” Colin cried out, eyes wide with horror. “He had an assault rifle, Josh! Do you know what that kind of gun does to the human body? It makes a hole the size of a marble going in and a hole the size of a fuckingBOWLING BALLcoming out! You do or say anything hewantsyou to do or say. You do whatever it takes tonotget shotwith that thing!”
Joshua looked up into his husband’s face, blinking in surprise.
“Sorry,” Colin muttered. “Didn’t mean to raise my voice. But, Jesus, Josh! In a situation like that, there are no rules. No limits. You do or say whatever it takes to get you home!” He took Joshua’s hand and pressed it to his lips. “That’s the only thing I care about. That’s the only thing I’llevercare about. Just...comehome!”
Joshua couldn’t help but smile. “I know that. I knew it then too. I remember thinking it.”
Colin gazed down at him, his face grim. “He had the power, Josh. And fighting him for it would have gotten you killed. He had the gun. And as long as he did, you play whatever fucking game he wants to play.”
Joshua nodded, but averted his eyes, gazing past Colin to the window beyond. Ever since regaining consciousness, he’d felt nearly overwhelmed by depression and shame. Those feelings flowed over him in a dark wave that seemed to obliterate the happiness he felt over having survived his ordeal. He fought to suppress the negative feelings, fearful that if he surrendered to them he’d only add to Colin’s anxiety. Plus, he knew at leastpartof this reaction could be attributed to his head injury. For a moment he was silent, then he turned to Colin with a quick smile. “Help me to the bathroom?”
“My pleasure.”
* * *
Joshua insistedthat his husband go home that night and get some rest. Colin had napped a couple times during the day but nonetheless had been up for nearly thirty-six intense, and stress-filled hours.
“Get some sleep,” Joshua told him.
Colin bent over the bed, his brow furrowed. “I don’t like leaving you.”
“Hey, you mademego get some sleep when you were injured,” Joshua reminded him.
Colin scowled down at the white hospital sheets in silence, his face etched with doubt.
“Honey, I’m fine. Adam was just here and said that I’m almost certain to go home tomorrow morning. You’re out on your feet.” He reached with his left hand to caress Colin’s hair. “Please. For me. Get some rest.” Colin nodded, then bent to kiss him. “See you in the morning,” Joshua whispered.
“I’ll be here first thing,” Colin told him, then frowned again as he traced Joshua’s bruised cheekbone with gentle fingertips.
“Colin, go.”
Colin’s upper lip drew back over his teeth, and he hissed out a frustrated breath. But he nodded and kissed Joshua again. “Sleep well, baby. I love you. I’ll call you from home later.”
“I love you too,” Joshua whispered, then watched as Colin strode from the room without looking back. He looked down at his hands, the smile fading from his lips, and blew out a quick sigh.
He would never have told him so, but he was thankful that Colin had gone home to sleep. For Colin’s sake most of all, but also for his own. He hadn’t had a moment alone since this nightmare began to reflect on what he’d experienced. He needed to take a long breath and allow himself to ponder what had happened to him.
His memories were still vague, disjointed snatches. Fragmented images flashed in his mind, imbued with an authenticity he could not deny. Moments in time which were echoed in his many injuries: Page’s foot smashing into his ribcage, his fist pounding on Joshua’s face, and most vividly, the barrel of the assault rifle smashing his skull.
He began to regret having sent his husband away. His eyes burned with tears, and he clenched his teeth against a feeling of sadness so profound that he felt sure his heart would break.
Memories flooded his mind, and he gasped in understanding.This is how I felt as a kid when the old man beat me,Joshua thought.So alone. So filled with self-loathing.He covered his face with his left hand and choked back a sob.Oh, god!he thought.Why did I send Colin away? I need him! I need him so much!
Forgetting that his right arm was injured, he tried to grab his phone. “Goddammit!” he choked out, wincing in pain. He tried to grasp the phone with his left hand, but it was out of reach, and he slammed his fist against the bed railing in frustration.
“Josh? You OK?” A familiar voice asked, and he turned to see Trent Peterson, their good friend and Colin’s physical therapist, striding into the room. “Hey,” Trent said, reaching to touch Joshua’s shoulder. “What’s going on? Where’s Colin? I saw him this morning when I made rounds and I thought he said he was staying here tonight.”
“I sent him home,” Joshua said in a choked-off whisper. “Trent, could you please hand me my phone?”
“What’s wrong, buddy,” Trent asked as he handed Joshua his phone. “Are you in pain? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Joshua turned to face his friend. “You don’t know how right you are, Trent.” He drew in a long breath. “A ghost is exactly what I’ve seen.”
