He shook his head and took a step back from her. All the bloodhad drained from his face again, and it was his turn to look sick. “No. No, that’s—”
Eleanor put a hand over her heart and sobbed. “It’s mine. It’smyfault. Everything is. I should have stopped Lloyd. I’m the one who called Henry to come get you. If I hadn’t, things would be different.”
Theo opened his mouth, but his mother held up a hand to silence him. “I had just lost the love of my life—and I almost lost my son along with him. I didn’t have enough tears left to cry for Henry. I already spent them all on you when you were in a coma, thinking you were going to die too and blaming myself for everything that happened. Inevershould have asked those things of you that night. And afterwards, I didn’t have the capacity left to feelanything, much less make space for the grief we’ve both been processing over the last few months.”
She sniffed and wiped at her face again. “I’ve made mistakes, Theo. I’ve madesomany, and God only knows how many I’ve made with you, most of all. I want to make it right. I want to know what I can do to make it right.”
Theo’s chest heaved, and he looked at his mother with such pain, such anguish, his face just as twisted and conflicted as his emotions were. He looked like he wanted to yell, to scream, to cry, to break down right there on the floor of his house, all at once.
Eleanor took a step forward and lifted his massive, trembling right fist in both of hers. He didn’t fight her when she touched him this time. She gently pried open his fingers and slid the set of his keys into his hand.
“I understand if you hate me, Theo. I do. I hatemyself.” She inhaled deeply, gathering herself for whatever she was about to say next. “I just wanted to ask you to come home for our family Christmas party. Please.” Eleanor lifted her eyes to meet her son’s. “You’re all I have. And I’d give anything for you to forgive me.”
Theo stayed silent.
But his eyes grew wide with horror.
“You want me to come to a party?” he finally whispered. “Looking likethis?”
Eleanor shook her head sharply, her own eyes widening as she seemed to realize her mistake. “You…y-you could wear a mask. You could wear a mask, Theo. It’s fine, you don’t have to—”
“Then you want me to cover it up?” He’d somehow gone even paler than before, the edges of his lips completely leached of color, his pallor almost green. “You want me to cover it up because of the way I look. That’s what it is, isn’t it?” he whispered frantically. “I’m an embarrassment. I’m still the family embarrassment, after all these years—after all this time.”
“No. No, that’s not what I—”
“It’s all a lie. The lie of a perfect family. That’s why you want me there, and that’s why you want me to cover my face.”
Eleanor’s own face fell as she watched her son spiral. Her shoulders slumped. Theo looked wild, like he might throw up, like there could be no reasoning with him now. He was beyond hearing.
“I can’t believe you just asked me to do this. There’ll be questions. Everyone will stare at me, they’ll bring up the video, they’re going to look at me with pity, like I’m diseased, like I’m damaged goods. I always have been because of Dad, because of what I do, only now I actuallylooklike it, and I—I—”
His mom closed her eyes and shook her head as she curled his fingers back over the keys she’d just given him.
He finally froze at the feeling of her hands on his.
“Theodore,” she finally said, her voice calm and even. “If you come, I would want you to do what you think is most comfortable.” She gripped his hand tightly in both of hers. “You’re my son. My genius, handsome,incredibleson, scar or no scar. And I love you, no matter what.” When she lifted his injured hand to her mouth andpressed a kiss to it, another tear dropped from her lashes onto his skin. “I’m sorry. And I love you.”
Eleanor let him go, and, with a final swipe of her hands across her cheeks, she dried her tears and turned away from Theo. He stood there, frozen in one spot, swaying on his feet as if it was all he could do to hold himself upright while his mother grabbed her purse from the counter and strode toward the front door, the sound of her stilettos clacking staccato against the ceramic woodgrain tile.
When Eleanor crossed in front of Audrey, she paused and put a hand on her shoulder.
“You’re welcome to come too, sweetie. Anyone Theo cares enough about to have in his home is welcome.” Her eyes darted over toward her son. He hadn’t turned to watch her leave. He stood stock-still with his back to his mother, staring blankly out the window overlooking the view of the East River.
Eleanor turned her attention back to Audrey. “I really would love for you both to come spend Christmas at our family home in Albany. I understand if you have other plans, but I—” Tears lined Eleanor’s eyes again, and she tried desperately to blink them away. “The holiday season was already going to be so hard for us this year without his father. It was always going to be bad without Henry. I don’t want to make things worse, but I would like to ask that you please consider it.”
With one last squeeze on Audrey’s shoulder, Eleanor made her way to the front door.
And left them alone.
When the doorclicked shut and automatically locked with a beep, silence descended around them both like the blade of a guillotine.
The last rays of the sun broke through the city skyline in thedistance, refracting off of millions of windows and glittering across the water, casting everything around them in a soft, golden glow.
Theo hadn’t moved from where he stood in the middle of the floor, trapped between his kitchen and his living room.
He was staring at his father’s neon shop sign.
“Theo?” Audrey whispered, finally taking a step toward him. A tear dropped from one of her eyelashes and she lifted a hand to find her whole face was wet.
