That terrified me more than having my brain torn apart, than him turning it into mush. The idea that I could forget Yun, forget the things I’d felt over the past months that I’d never experienced before?
For the first time, I really wondered if we’d actually lose this one.
Chapter Forty-Five
Shear
This pressure inside my head made it difficult to think. Mr. Yorn’s voice, always the loudest to me, echoed off the insides of my skull, bouncing around and gaining volume and power each time.
I had never won against him—never.
In my entire life, no matter what I’d done, I’d never managed to get the upper hand with him. Even the times when I got what I wanted, when he seemed to give in, I knew that he’d actually been playing a longer game.
When he let me leave Obsidian, it had been because he’d finished with me there, because he’d wanted to be able to use me later, because he was proving to the Guild that Obsidian was worth financially supporting.
Which meant I had to make a choice now, too. Did I stand up against him and make everyone lose? A fear inside me wondered if my psyche would crack beneath the stress, the pressure he applied with the order. If that happened, would there be anything of me left? What horrors might I commit if I couldn’t control myself anymore?
My eyes burned, the intense feeling of isolation that I’d always lived with worsening. I’d never been with others, not truly, always on the outside forced to watch but not interact. Even as a child, I’d been so horribly different that I’d never had a place, even with my family.
“That’s why I took you in. I’m your family.”Mr. Yorn’s voice floated through my head, nearly as familiar as my own.
I hated it as much as I craved it, the only lifeline I’d had for so long.
“They’re my family, too,” I argued back. Aloud or in my head? I couldn’t tell.
“No, they’re just transient. They’re useful for now. You’re going through this pain right now because of them, because of her, when you don’t need to. Give in, like you know you will, like you always do.”
If I did, the pain would stop. The questions, the fears. All of it, right?
“Shear?”The soft, feminine voice reached past Mr. Yorn’s. It entered my mind, but not in the same way.
Mr. Yorn tore into my brain, stomping around, uncaring. Yun’s voice was gentle, welcomed, soothing.
“I can’t do this,” I whispered back to her. “I’m not strong enough.”
“It’s okay,”she answered, no anger, no censure.“It’s fine, okay? Just do what you need to and take care of them, huh?”I could feel the tears in her voice, the pain, but she didn’t put any of it on me. She didn’t blame me, didn’t curse me, didn’t demand anything.
That helped, like she gave me space, she trusted me.
Not trusted me to do things her way, not trusted me to make the choice she wanted, but accepted my own autonomy to do asIthought best.
It sent a ripple through my mind, one that shook me, that returned me to Obsidian and the horrors there.
I saw Mr. Yorn and those damned gloves, the blank expression, felt the chains dig into my wrists as he’d had me restrained. I heard his promises, his reassurances, but somehow they didn’t stick this time.
He isn’t my lifeline.
It was the first time I truly had dared to think that, to realize it. He was a noose, nothing more, a threat wrapped around my neck before he shoved me off a cliff, telling me he was all that kept me from falling.
And I was done with that.
I sliced the noose myself.
If I fell to my death, I fell, but I wouldn’t dangle anymore, wouldn’t let him control me.
My gaze found Yun, took strength from her. I had something more important, now, something worth the risk.
I shoved Mr. Yorn from my mind, and in doing so, a snap echoed in my head. It hurt, breaking some of that control, sending me into a mental freefall.
