“It’s just frustrating, Ma. I don’t need you worrying about me. I’m worried enough on my own. I’m thinking about putting in for a transfer.”
“Well, I know you love your career and want to make your daddy proud, but I don’t like how they’re messing with you. At some point in life, you have to learn how to live foryou, not for me, not for your daddy, not even for Miss Bella. You have to find and embrace what makes you happy, baby. Your daddy lived for the badge and died for the very same thing. I can’t lie. I don’t want that for you, Jameela. You have to learn to put you first sometimes. It’s OK to be selfish.”
“I know, Mama, but I can’t do that right now. I have a daughter to think about.”
“Be honest with me, baby. Are you really happy with your career? Can you honestly say you’re ready to go back to all that? I was devastated when I thought I might lose you.”
I sighed. The mention of my dad seemed to instantly put a damper on the mood lately. Sergeant James Sutton was the man who’d taught me how to throw a punch, shoot a gun, and spot a lie in someone’s eyes within a few seconds.
Chasing my dad’s dream had led me straight to the academy right out of high school. I kept a laser focus and became the first black woman in my precinct to make sergeant. Just a couple of years ago, Hale and I conducted an undercover sting that busted up one of the biggest narcotic rings in the city. Back then, as I rode the glory of our takedown, I knew for a fact that my dad would have been so proud of me. Now though, I wasn’t so sure about that.
The six-month job where I pretended to be Tremaine’s girlfriend spilled over into our real lives. We carried on a secret affair for months until I found myself pregnant and scared about my future.
Tremaine promised that whatever came of it, he would be by my side. It wasn’t long before I found that to be furthest from the truth. As soon as our big sting resulted in a promotion to lieutenant for him, he changed his tune.
Tremaine decided that it wouldn’t be a good look to have a baby with a subordinate. All of a sudden, we were no longer on an even playing field. His declaration that he loved me and wanted to protect my career and reputation somehow made just enough sense to make me go along with it. That was until I realized the bastard was never going to be a present figure in my daughter’s life.
He provided for her financially, but other than that, he probably stopped by once every few weeks to see our daughter in person. According to him, he was too busy, and she was too littleto remember him anyway. Knowing how little he cared about getting to know our child put a bitter taste in my mouth.
He claimed to be in love with me, but he refused to go through the necessary steps to allow us to be together publicly. It didn’t take long for me to fall out of lust with him. I couldn’t fuck with a man who refused to be in our child’s life. I didn’t give a damn how fine and charming he was. I just couldn’t do it.
Tremaine was completely absent for the first couple of months of Bella’s life. I barely heard from him aside from him making sure that I knew that I wasn’t to return from maternity leave until he cleared me. He claimed that putting me on an extended leave was for my own good, but I knew it was just a way for him to control me.
Just a few months after going back to work, I was stabbed in the line of duty and forced to go on another Lieutenant Hale ordered leave. At this point, I was completely torn about how to handle the situation. Now that he was forcing my hand, I considered going to internal affairs and telling them what happened.
“I’m definitely sick of this leave,” I grumbled.
“Do you need some money, baby? You know I don’t mind giving you something to tide you over.”
“No, I’m good, Ma. You know I’m just venting,” I lied.
The pay cut was kicking my ass. The days I needed to put Bella in day care were eating me alive. It was better to stay home if I wasn’t working full time. I hated to take her to the precinct with me. I barely wanted to acknowledge having a daughter when I was on the job. The only reason people knew was because of my bump and having to go on leave.
People liked to prey on weaknesses. In my world, that didn’t just include criminals but my coworkers as well. I knew Bella was my number one weakness.
After ending the call with my mom, I finished eating breakfast while watching my girl make a mess of hers. Once she started to feed herself on her own, she refused to let anyone help her. Bella ate what she wanted, but when she started to fingerpaint with her food, I knew she had had enough.
“That’s enough of that, little bit,” I said, laughing as I wiped her face.
She babbled in response, making me laugh a little more. When her face was finally clean, I kissed her cheeks, making her giggle. Times like this made the consequences of my decisions bearable. Quiet mornings with my sweet girl gave me confidence that everything would be all right in the end. The life I was building for me and my girl was still under construction.
I put my girl down to play while I cleaned up the kitchen. As I cleaned, the restlessness snuck in on me out of nowhere. I missed the streets so much, it physically hurt sometimes. Over the years, I had fallen in love with the thrill of the game. I didn’t know when exactly I became addicted to the adrenaline rush that came with following clues that would lead to nabbing a bad guy. One day out of nowhere, I was just hooked.
Closing a case was a reward in itself. I had been sitting on the sidelines for too long. Instead of doing what I loved to do, I was stuck at home doing PT and breathing exercises in my living room in hopes of keeping at least some of my edge. At this point, I was scrolling the want ads for some kind of temporary fix that would scratch my itch until I could go back to work full time.
I wiped the counter down, picking up my car keys to clean under them. As soon as I could, I tossed them to the side, hating what they now represented. My keys were a reminder of yet another thing I needed to take care of. I didn’t have the bandwidth to worry about my car.
My old hoopty had seen better days. For the past week or so, it had been jerking and idling so rough that I hated to driveanywhere. I knew my ride was on its last leg. I just couldn’t afford to do anything about it. I’d taken it to the shop and got a three-thousand-dollar estimate for repairs.
After making a few calls and describing what needed to be done, I heard more of the same. I just didn’t see how I could swing it without getting a loan. I swallowed my pride and asked Hale to help me with the repairs since he was always screaming how I could ask him anytime I needed something. That had yet to be seen or proven.
Me: I need 4 new fuel injectors for my car. I got a quote for 3k for parts and labor from a few places. I only have about $1500. Can you help me with anything?
So far, I hadn’t gotten a response from him. Not that I was surprised. It was only the second time that I had asked for anything aside from the agreed upon amount of money that he gave me for Bella every month: five hundred dollars sent directly to my account on the first of the month like clockwork.
Not that I regretted having my daughter, but I wished that I had had the foresight to dodge that bullet. I sat on the couch watching my baby play with her blocks and couldn’t help but smile.
In spite of it all, she was the reason I was still breathing. Bella was my entire reason for being. I knew that she was also the reason people all of a sudden thought they could decide what I was strong enough to handle.
