“Honestly it feels as real as all my other memories,” I said. “It’s been somewhat confusing, to say the least.” This last part I added quietly, because I was feeling exposed in a way I wasn’t prepared for.
He exhaled loudly, as if he had been holding his breath. “And the award for the biggest understatement of the night goes to...Lucy Sparks!” He was trying to inject some levity into the moment, but his voice fell flat by the end.
“I didn’t plan on telling you about, you know, all this.” I gestured in circles beside my head. “I know it’s weird, and I’m sorry to lay it all on you tonight.”
“I’m not sure exactly what to say, Lucy.”
I grabbed his arms with vise-grip-like fingers. “Nothing.You don’t need to say a thing. Daniel, you know I don’t expect anything, right?” I shook my head, released his arms when I realized how tightly I was hanging on. “Okay, that didn’t come out the way... Sorry, I meant I don’t want you to do anything.” I groaned and he laughed, which made me feel immensely better. “Like I said, things are a bit of a mess. Can we pretend none of this ever happened?”
“Lucy, stop. It’s okay. It’s not what I was expecting you to say obviously, and I can’t say I totally get what’s happened here, but it’sfine. I’ve forgotten all about it already. Promise.”
“Phew, good,” I said, nodding, trying to act like what had transpired between us was meaningless and insignificant. Which to Daniel it likely was, at least in the long run, but for me...well, it confused me even more and I felt like a million fire ants were crawling under my skin. I shivered violently.
“Are you going to be okay to get upstairs?” he asked. “You’re pretty drunk.”
“Oh, I’m long past drunk,” I said, snort-laughing as I did. I clapped a hand to my mouth, embarrassed by the outburst, but Daniel smiled. “But I’m okay. Hey, thanks again for being so great tonight.”
“Anytime,” he said. “Honestly, anytime.” My chest constricted and I forced myself to key in the door code without looking back at him, to step through the door and have it close behind me, only then turning to wave a final goodbye to Daniel, assuming it would be the last time we saw each other.
29
I took the stairs slowly, pausing on the landings between flights to catch my breath and compose myself before walking through our front door. In part I was relieved. I’d told Daniel the truth and nothing terrible had happened. We said goodbye and all was fine, or at least mostly fine. I was embarrassed and wished I could take it all back—hit the rewind button to when his message arrived and stayed at home instead—but it was done. I survived, like Dr. Kay said I would.
But I was also deeply disappointed. I’m not sure what I hoped might happen, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit to having fantasized about the moment all was revealed. How by some strange mechanism Daniel believed my memory of us being married, or it shook things loose in my brain so everything could return to how it was supposed to be. The memories of Daniel would disappear, and the ones with Matt would take their place and life would make sense again.
I climbed the last flight of stairs, stumbling on the second to last riser and taking an epic fall, banging my chin on the smooth concrete floor when my hands missed their mark and my face took the brunt. My teeth slammed together when my chin hit, and pain reverberated through my skull.Shit.The last thing I needed was to give myself another concussion. I should have much, much less to drink going forward. I pressed a gloved hand to my chin and was glad to see there was no blood.
Getting up with some difficulty, all the layers bundling me from the cold also making it difficult to recover gracefully, I finally found my house keys deep inside my coat pocket. Holding my breath as I slid in the key, I turned it slowly to avoid the noise of the lock disengaging. Opening the door gently, I stepped inside and tiptoed into the living room.
I shouldn’t have bothered being so quiet, and I’m not sure how I didn’t notice the lights on, but there sat Matt, on the couch, arms crossed over his chest. He did not look happy. He also held my phone in his hand.Oh, no.I had forgotten to take my phone with me.
“Why are you up?” was the first thing I thought to say. And based on his expression, the deepening of his frown, it was not the right thing.
“Where were you?” he asked, anger seeping into his words. I knew he had probably been more worried than angry, but now that I was home and he could see I was fine, anger trumped concern.
“I left you a note,” I replied, hearing how lame it sounded as it came out. I pointed to the table and saw the note was still there. “I couldn’t sleep.”
He stood and came toward me, taking stock of my face. “What happened to your chin?”
My hand fluttered to my face, and my fingers—now gloveless—felt a growing lump on my chin. “I slipped on the stairs.”
“Have you been outdrinking?”
I took a step back, busied myself with wrestling off my coat and hanging it on the hook by the door. But all the rum had messed with my balance, and I missed the hook, stumbled and slammed into the brick wall to prevent myself from falling over completely. Matt tried to grab my arm to keep me from falling, but he wasn’t quite fast enough and so the wall caught me instead. “I had a drink.” It was true, Ihadhad a drink. And then a few more.
“Where? By yourself?”
I finally managed to get my coat on the hook and pushed past Matt into the living room, then to the kitchen, where I ran the tap until the water was cold before filling a glass. He followed me. “Why the third degree?” I said, knowing I was only inflaming the situation by not answering his questions directly. I gulped down the cold water, then filled the glass again. “I couldn’t sleep, so I went out for a walk and stopped for a drink.”
Matt didn’t say anything but followed me again as I took my water back to the living room, finally settling on the couch. I was drunk, but I was hoping I could hide exactly how drunk. But that was naive because while I didn’t remember my life with Matt, he knew me inside and out. Hiding things from him wouldn’t work.
“Why are you lying to me?” His eyes narrowed and his tone was harsh. It shook me, how he was looking at me, like he was disgusted by what he saw. So far Matt had mostly been treating me with kid gloves—everyone had—but tonight was going to be different, I could tell. I had pushed the bounds of his patience and understanding too far.
“I’m not lying!” I said. “I went out for a drink.”
“Alone?” Matt asked.
A moment of silence, then, “No.”
