“Prob’ly good idea,” I said, my words blending together. Daniel paid our tab and tucked his arm through mine as we left the bar. I let him take some of my weight because it turned out that last drink had in fact been a terrible idea, and I swayed more than walked back to my place.
“So what is the lovely Margot doing these days?” I asked, like it was perfectly ordinary to discuss her. Like it didn’t hurt me to say her name, to know she filled the space in Daniel’s life I believed was mine even though it wasn’t. “She wanted to be a professor, didn’t she? Is she teaching or something?” I was trying hard to be coherent, but it was a battle I wasn’t winning.
Daniel shook his head, used his free hand to pull his collar up higher against the chill. “You’ll never believe it, but she’s an interior designer now. Does some TV work, too.”
“Shut up!” I slapped his arm but missed and lost my balance. Daniel put a firm hand on mine, which was clutching his arm for support. “You’re kidding. Television, eh?”
He laughed, took a step back so we were side by side again, and I had mostly regained my balance. “I told you it was unbelievable.”
“But...but...she used a sleeping bag instead of sheets when we were at school! Hated having her picture taken. She always used to hold her hands in front of her face during photos, said smiling on demand was demeaning.”
“I know.” Daniel let out an even bigger laugh this time. “That was a long time ago.” He smiled at me, and a flutter filled my belly. I couldn’t stop staring at him, the feelings inside me swirling and growing, at least in part thanks to all those drinks.
“You should see how many accent pillows are on our bed now. It takes me five minutes to move them every night.” He didn’t sound like he minded, though, and again I was hit with the truth that Daniel had married Margot. He chose her, even though I was the one who used to wear an engagement ring he put there.
The sadness was swift and crushing, and I started walking faster for fear if I didn’t I would sit on the cold sidewalk and cry. “You sound happy,” I said, because it was true, and though it hurt me to know the reality of Daniel’s life now, I was glad for him. Wanted him to be content with his life.
“I am. Life is pretty sweet,” he replied. “Though I could do without the pillows, if I’m being totally honest.” I smiled and tucked my chin into my coat, which allowed me to let my smile drop without him noticing.
Things were quiet between us as we walked the last block to my place, and I slowed as we approached the front steps of the building. “This is me,” I said, pulling my arm out from his.
Daniel looked at the building. “Nice place. I remember when they were building these.” I followed his gaze, appreciated again how much I loved where I lived. It was an old bank that had been converted into four loft town houses, with exposed brick and beams inside and plenty of character on the facade. “Bet it’s great inside.”
I bit my lip, held in the desire to say,You know it is, because even if my mind tried to remind me this wasourplace, Daniel had never stepped into my building. “It is” was all I said instead.
“Thanks for the drinks, and the walk home,” I added, thinking in any other scenario this would be when I invited him up for another glass of something neither of us needed.
“It was nice to hang out,” Daniel replied, sensing none of my conflict, blowing into his gloved hands and jumping a couple of times to stay warm. “We should do it again.”
“We should,” I replied, though I didn’t think that would be the best thing. For me, anyway, because there was too much between us and I could still feel the current connecting me to Daniel. I wondered if he could feel the threads, too. “Well, okay. Good luck with the studying. I hope you aren’t up all night now.”
“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “I’ve got all weekend.” And still, he didn’t leave, as if there was no other place in the world he’d rather be.
I did it without thinking, and it shocked both of us.
He took a quick step back and placed his fingers to his lips (which I had just kissed) and I stammered an apology, suddenly sobered, followed by a quick goodbye before nearly running up the stairs to the front door. But Daniel was right behind me, gently holding my arm, and he turned me to face him before I made it through the door. I was mortified by my lack of judgment, my lack of respect for Matt, Daniel, even Margot.
“Lucy, wait,” Daniel said, his voice gruff. “It’s okay.”
I shook my head, tears close. “It’s not okay.” Even though I couldn’t seem to separate the truth from memory, I was still in charge of my decisions. And I couldn’t blame anyone else for what had led me to kiss my ex-fiancé in front of the condo I shared with my current boyfriend.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, pulling away from Daniel. “I shouldn’t have come out tonight. And I should never have...” I left it at that, because we both knew what I was apologizing for. I looked into his face, saw compassion there and something else.Pity, I thought, which made my insides feel as chilled as my outsides.
“You’re married. I have Matt. Who is sleeping upstairs and has no idea I’m out with you tonight and has been perfect through everything and doesn’t deserve any of this.”
“Please, don’t cry, Lucy,” he said. “What’s really going on with you?”
I let out a sharp laugh, and Daniel looked confused. And then I did the second thing I knew I’d probably regret later—I told him the truth about my memory.
There were a few moments of stunned silence as I stood there, shaking with the cold and adrenaline, as Daniel searched for the right thing to say. “That explains a few things,” he finally offered, and then he smiled that smile of his and I felt like everything might be okay. Soon we were laughing, so hard tears streamed down my face from the release, and I held my stomach as I tried to catch my breath.
“God, I needed that,” I said, taking in a deep breath. The cold air tickled my throat as I gulped in a few desperate breaths, but it felt good.
“So, when you say you remember us being married, you mean you have a memory of the actual wedding? The one that didn’t happen?”
“Yes, I have this very vivid memory of our wedding.”
“No kidding,” Daniel said, eyes widening. “And it feels real? Like, really real?”
