And that scared the shit out of him.
But even as he did his best to embrace Zach’s logic, dread sat heavy in his stomach. Knowing something intellectually didn’t magically rewire eight years of terror. He wished that was possible, but no pep talk could flip the magical switch in his gut. His fear was still there, lurking beneath his resolve like a cancer. That part of him still flinched at the thought of holding a tiny, vulnerable bundle and knowing its safety was in his hands. He’d push through it and say yes to conceiving a baby because losing Beck and Heavenly wasn’t an option. And maybe by the time the child actually came, he’d have figured out how to feel what he knew was right.
The surgeon’s desire for kids was hardly surprising. He was on the downhill slide to forty, and he’d been without family for decades. Of course he wanted roots.
Seth had family—his mother and his four younger brothers, whom he’d basically raised—but for years he’d been too mired in the past to care about any sort of future. He’d hooked up and whipped subs and called that a life.
Until Heavenly.
In retrospect, her desire for a family, especially after losing her beloved father, should have been obvious. He felt like a fucking idiot for not realizing it sooner.
Brake lights flashed ahead. Seth cursed as traffic slowed to a crawl. Red and blue lights pulsed in the distance.
“Fuck. No!” He slammed his fist against the steering wheel, craning his neck to see past the sea of stopped vehicles. An overturned semi blocked two lanes. Emergency vehicles crowded the scene.
He glanced at his watch. Thirteen minutes.
“Son of a bitch!” He scanned the area for escape routes, but he was hemmed in on all sides.
Panic seized him.
If he didn’t get there on time, he’d have to watch their happiness from the outside. And how the fuck would that feel, watching the two of them have kids and build their happy life without him?
He’d never realized how terrifying that notion was until now, as it was threatening to slip through his fingers.
Finally, the cars inched forward. A police officer waved traffic through a narrow gap.
Nine minutes left.
Seth weaved between lanes like a madman, cutting off a delivery truck and earning a blare of horns. He ignored them. Nothing mattered except getting home.
The digital clock on his dash mocked him as the minutes slipped away. Eight. Seven. Six.
Fuck!
When Seth finally skidded into their neighborhood, almost turning a corner too fast, he had three minutes to spare. He slammed on the gas, praying no cops were around to witness his flagrant disregard for residential speed limits and his California stop.
The garage door seemed to rise in slow motion. Seth didn’t wait for it to open fully before pulling in, the roof of his SUV clearing the rising door by mere inches. He killed the engine, grabbed his keys, and bolted for the entry.
Two minutes.
Slamming into the house, he tossed his keys on the hall table, not caring when they skittered across the surface and clattered to the floor. He took the stairs two at a time, shedding his suit coat as he climbed.
One minute.
At the top, Seth paused only long enough to draw a deep breath.
This was it. He was about to commit to something that still scared him shitless, betting everything on the hope that his head would catch up to his heart. But what choice did he have? Lose them for certain…or take the leap and pray he could fake it until he felt it?
He shoved the bedroom door open. Instantly, two heads snapped in his direction.
Tissue in hand, Heavenly perched on the edge of the bed, eyes red, face blotchy from crying, clutching the lapels of her silky robe. Beck stood by the window, shirtless, dressed only in sweatpants, shoulders tensed as if ready to defend Heavenly against whatever Seth might say or do. They both looked his way with a mixture of wariness and hope. Chest heaving, he met their stares.
No one spoke.
Seth tossed his suit coat onto a nearby chair, then approached Heavenly, sliding onto his knees beside her and taking her hands. “I’m sorry, angel. I never wanted to hurt you or make you doubt my love.”
She swallowed. Her lips quivered as if she held back more tears. “I know your past is rough. I understand having fears. Even knowing they aren’t logical doesn’t make them any easier to overcome. We all have them. But we’ve all leaned on each other to get beyond them. You just…cut us out.”
