“Okay, new topic. What’s everyone’s guilty pleasure TV show? Mine’sLove Island,” Bianca said.
Chapter Twenty-One
Guilt was a funny thing. It had a way of settling in at the most inconvenient times, like earlier that evening when she’d handed out lavender bouquets to everyone but Lyra. And then again when Vivian had cornered her after the ceremony to remind her that the producers didn’t like unpredictability. And again, when Bianca and Louise had bid her goodnight with smiles so big and hopeful that Alexis’s legs felt heavier than a box of books as she walked along the courtyard steps back to the villa.
She wished she could say she had experienced the same amount of guilt last season, but that would be lying. Back then she’d been so ruthlessly driven to get to that final ceremony as a damn winner that her conscience had been more of a background hum than an actual voice telling her what to do. But this time around, it was eating her alive.
And now, while she was in bed staring at the chandelier hanging from the ceiling, she wondered just how much guilt someone could take before it killed a person. Or at least maimed them.
Alexis couldn’t sleep. She counted the dangling crystal teardrops that sparkled in the dusty yellow light from the bedside lamp. There were ten in total. Ten sparkly glass drops that kept her more awake than she would’ve liked. She probably would have more success counting sheep. But after another minute of trying, she gave up falling asleep altogether. There was just no way her mind could shut off with the elephant sitting on her chest.
A second later she propelled herself to her feet and threw on a light robe before she padded barefoot down to the pool. Thegarden was deserted, and the house was quiet. It was just the way she wanted it.
Alexis sank into one of the lounge chairs and stared up at the sky. It glittered above her in an unbroken sheet of stars that stretched out in every direction.
“Are you alright?”
Alexis nearly leaped out of the chair. “Jesus,” she muttered, pressing a hand to her chest like she needed to keep her heart from vaulting straight out. “Birdie, you can’t just sneak up on people like that.”
“Sorry,” Birdie said. But she didn’t look even a little sorry. She was grinning as she walked over to the lounge chair beside Alexis and sank into it. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Alexis glanced back at the villa. All the lights were out except for a faint glow in the living room. The light was coming from a lamp beside the sofa that Alexis had ignored on her way out. Thankfully, the extra light didn’t reach the pool. Out here under the stars, the only light came from the blue wash of the pool, and even that wasn’t strong enough for anyone to notice her sitting outside at first glance. Birdie would’ve had to walk out to the edge of the deck to spot her. She would’ve had to step onto the grass for Alexis to notice her, which she hadn’t. But then again, she was so deep inside her own head, someone would have to throw her a rescue rope.
“How did you know I was out here?” Alexis asked, kind of liking the idea of Birdie wondering where Alexis was when they weren’t together.
Had she been thinking about Alexis while she lay in bed, hand between her legs? Had she even gone as far as to creep to Alexis’s bedroom and knock softly on the door? She hoped the answer was yes, because frankly, if Alexis wasn’t so riddled with guilt, if she didn’t feel so bad about all the lying and was scaredVivian would suddenly appear out of thin air to scold them, she would’ve gone looking for Birdie herself.
“I didn’t,” Birdie admitted.
Alexis was left with a disappointment-sized hole in her heart with the answer.
“I was in the kitchen. By the way, there’s a whole confectionery in the fridge: macarons, chocolate truffles, mini eclairs. I assume it’s for breakfast tomorrow?” She raised her brows as if Alexis had something to do with it and then flourished a hand in the air. “Anyway, I heard the sliding door open and close. I’m glad it was you. I was going to try to find you anyway.”
Just like that, the disappointment fizzled out like a firecracker, and Alexis tried not to grin too obviously. “You were?” she asked, sounding way too needy for her own good. She cleared her throat, but really, who was she kidding? Birdie had seen her hunched over on the edge of the bath, feeling like a shell of herself. She’d seen Alexis furious. Heard her laugh. Felt her shudder beneath her touch. Birdie had seen more of her than anyone else had in a long time. So what if she sounded needy. So what if she was thrilled someone had come looking for her at midnight.
Funny, I barely recognize myself, Alexis thought. Weeks ago, she’d been ready to send Birdie home faster than you could say final ceremony. She had been so furious that the world was small enough for two people to cross paths again that she couldn’t see straight. And now she wanted Birdie here. Right here.
Birdie nodded. “Thought you might like some company.” She stretched her hand across the tiny gap between the lounge chairs and waited patiently for Alexis to slip her hand into hers, which she did.
“Tonight’s ceremony was brutal,” Birdie said, rubbing her thumb over the soft web of Alexis’s hand. “I honestly didn’t think Lyra was the type of person to cry. She always seemed so indestructible, you know?”
Alexis nodded and then shuddered at the memory. Big crocodile tears had streamed down Lyra’s face. Vivian had offered her a tissue on the way out, and Alexis had heard her sniffle and blow her nose. What had caught Alexis off guard was how surprised Lyra had seemed when she didn’t get a lavender bouquet. It was as if she hadn’t expected it at all, and Alexis had found herself wondering if she’d done the right thing. Frankly, she was still doubting her choice. Maybe Louise should’ve gone next. Or Bianca. It wasn’t like she had connected with either of them.
Then it hit her, as sudden and sharp as a lightning strike in a cornfield. The truth she’d been circling around popped right up in her face. Alexis was prepared to send Bianca and Louise home without a second thought. But not Birdie. No, she didn’t want to say goodbye to Birdie. She couldn’t possibly imagine not seeing her in the morning. Birdie always stood in front of the open fridge, staring at the yogurt cups, as she tried to decide between raspberry and banana. She couldn’t picture not catching her eye across the room or watching her on the sofa with her legs tucked under her, reading a French version ofHouse & Garden, or hearing her laugh from the deck.
She couldn’t imagine Birdie going home because she couldn’t imagine being away from her, which meant Birdie was the one. She deserved that final lavender bouquet. Every stupid rule Alexis had set herself about clean slates, about redemption arcs, or whatever else she’d promised to chase this season, didn’t matter.
This wasn’t a fling. It wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t some game. It was as real as the sunlight spilling through the blindsat seven a.m., as true as the way Birdie’s head tilted when she laughed, as honest as the soft thrum of her hand finding Alexis’s palm.
“I’m going to come clean tomorrow,” Alexis said, staring straight ahead at the pool. The blue light spilled over the surface, liquid and endless, reflecting a kind of calm that sank through her chest. There was a calm that settled through her entire body as if someone was laying a hand gently at the base of her neck and telling her that everything happened as it was meant to.
And maybe she’d known that all along. Maybe ever since Birdie had brought it up after that night they’d made love in the shower. Maybe even before that.
“I’m going to tell everyone about us,” she said, turning slowly to face Birdie. “About what we’ve been doing. And then, I’m going to give you that final bouquet.”
“You are?” Birdie’s voice cracked. She yanked her hand away so quickly it was as if Alexis’s hand had caught on fire. But then she scrambled to find Alexis’s fingers again and kissed her knuckles. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pull back. I’m just surprised. The other night when I brought it up, you said—”
“I know what I said,” Alexis interrupted. “And I take it back. I take it all back.”
