As lovely as this was, lying together in Alexis’s bed with the sky still dark enough outside that they could pretend it wasn’t almost morning, Birdie was waiting for it. The cue. The polite dismissal. She could imagine Alexis clearing her throat, thanking Birdie for the night, and then Birdie would have her slip dress back on and be out the door, pretending she wasn’t deeply disappointed.
Except Alexis didn’t say a word. She simply stayed still with one arm tucked lazily behind her head. Her breathing was slow. Her hair was still wet and wild. Her lips were bright red from all the kissing. Birdie had an irrational urge to lean over and press her face into the curve between Alexis’s collarbone and neck just to see if her head could fit.
And that was the problem.
The longer Alexis didn’t kick her out, the more dangerous the entire thing got. Birdie felt a swelling inside her chest, hotand giddy and terrifying. Like leaning too far back in a chair and knowing she could fall and crack her head open but not stopping anyway.
When she said, “So, are you going to give me the final lavender bouquet?” she wanted to bite her own tongue off.
Birdie stared straight ahead, cheeks burning. She prayed Alexis would laugh it off. Because it was funny, right? But she didn’t laugh. The bachelorette simply turned her head instead. With her cheek resting against the pillow, she glanced at Birdie. Her brows were pulled tight together, and her lips were pressed so thin they were completely lost on her face.
Oh hell, Birdie thought. How could she be so stupid? How could she ask something like that? Maybe Alexis hadn’t thought about that final ceremony yet, or maybe she had, and the answer was no.
“You don’t have to answer,” Birdie said quickly. The urge to melt right into the mattress and seep into the springs was so overwhelming, she could almost feel herself sinking into the very fabric of the sheets.
Alexis wet her lips. “I don’t want to think that far ahead just yet.” She said the words slowly, as if testing the air for danger. And maybe there was danger, because suddenly Birdie was panicking. The room felt so small, and the art on the walls so judgmental. Why did she have to take this perfect night and ruin it with her stupid question? Why couldn’t she just shut her mouth and be quiet? But the answer was no clearer than mud, and she couldn’t help but ask, “What does that mean?”
Alexis exhaled. “We’ve got another two weeks left out here. I don’t want to make any final decisions just yet.”
“I don’t understand,” Birdie said, still unable to stop herself. Self-control was merely a concept. She pushed herself upright. The pillow, which had felt incredibly soft earlier, like a damn cloud, was suddenly the exact shape and firmness ofa rock digging into her lower back. “Are you sleeping with someone else? With one of the other contestants?”
“No, of course not,” Alexis replied, shaking her head. “It’s just…” She trailed off as her eyes focused on a painting of a garden on the other side of the room that looked like green and yellow brushstrokes gone wild.
“I thought you were enjoying this,” Birdie blurted. She felt like that painting. Wild and uncontained. Words spilled out of her, twisting and looping until they had a life of their own. “I thought you liked me. I thought there was something going on between us.”
“I do like you,” Alexis replied, but it wasn’t quick enough. There had been a pause, and Birdie knew a pause usually meant hesitation. Or worse, reconsideration. “And believe me, I love every second of what we’re doing. It’s just...”
Birdie shut her eyes and forced one deep breath in and one out. “Well then, why do you have to think about it?” she asked, her voice tighter than she wanted.
“Because it’s a show,” Alexis said tersely. “And last season I ruined the show. I was the reason it ended prematurely and the reason it got so much backlash. Yes, people loved the drama, and in the end the ratings were fabulous. But ultimately I was the bad guy.”
“It wasn’t entirely your fault.” Birdie had done enough research over the last few days about last season to know Skye had snuck around with one of the contestants. The irony wasn’t lost on her. If it weren’t for Alexis blackmailing Skye to give her the final lei, then the show probably would’ve run its course. No one would’ve known. But even then, Alexis had just been a trigger. Skye was the one who should’ve been honest from the beginning.
“I’m not asking you to come clean and tell everyone what we’ve been doing,” Birdie said when Alexis said nothing. “I just want to know where your head is at?”
“Well, my head is in this moment,” Alexis pointed to the sheet covering her naked body. “Right now, not at the final ceremony. I can’t even think about the final ceremony, Birdie. I’m just not there yet.”
It wasn’t the answer Birdie wanted to hear. In fact, it was the opposite. She kicked at the blanket until it tangled around her ankles.
“Okay,” she said. “That’s fine.” But it wasn’t. Birdie hated how much her chest hurt. She hated that she’d asked. She hated even more that Alexis’s non-answer felt like an answer. “Just forget I even asked. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Birdie, where are you going?”
“I can’t stay here,” she said, already scooping up her dress. She slipped it on, adjusted the straps Alexis had so eloquently tugged down earlier, and raked her fingers through her hair. “I have to get back to my room. Bianca’s probably already noticed I’m not there.”
She turned and headed toward the door. But before she could reach for the handle, Alexis was behind her, pressed to her back. She was warm and solid and still completely naked. Her arms wrapped around Birdie, one curling snugly around her waist, the other grazing over her hip. And Birdie felt herself melt faster than ice cream in a cone in July.
“I like you,” Alexis whispered in her ear. “Which honestly is a shock because I didn’t think I would. I thought I left you behind for good in Portland, and I wasn’t happy to see you here, but that’s all changed. I like you and at the same time I don’t want to be some villain again.”
Birdie pressed her cheek against Alexis’s face. “I like you too,” she said. And she did. She really fucking did. “Maybe I’lljust stay for a minute longer.” She turned and her mouth caught Alexis’s for the umpteenth time tonight.
Chapter Nineteen
Things were finally beginning to feel real now that there were only four contestants left.
Claire had gone home last night, and Isabelle the night before. And somehow, Alexis had blinked, and five days had already come and gone since that vineyard kiss with Birdie.
Five incredibly busy days.
